Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 89

"I'm glad to see you two could keep your hands off of each other long enough to get here." Teased Addison as she greeted them at the entrance to the NICU. Derek laughed, but Meredith blushed a deep shade of crimson. Putting his arm around her he kissed her cheek.

"No, don't worry...there were no hands involved." His whisper was loud enough for his ex-wife to hear and she rolled her eyes. Elbowing him playfully, Meredith moved out of his grasp to be closer to Addison.

"How are they today?" Meredith already knew the answer to the question. Both her and Derek were talking to Addison constantly about the babies' condition, but she had to ask anyway. Her mind reasoned that something could have happened since the last time she had talked to her.

If Addison minded the constant questions, she didn't let on that she did, and responded reassuringly. "They are doing great. Especially Caroline, the swelling seems to be going down and I think it will resolve itself. I'll order another CT later if it hasn't."

Noticing Derek's widening eyes, Addison realized her mistake and couldn't recover fast enough, because Meredith was already frowning in confusion.

"Swelling? Where? You didn't mention any swelling." Both her forehead and nose were crinkled in concern. Derek shared a nervous look with Addison, one that Meredith didn't understand and suddenly she felt extremely left out.

"Derek, what's going on?" She continued, her voice dripping with fear. There was something he wasn't saying....and it worried her. Expecting Addison to answer, Meredith instead watched her friend share another look with Derek and Meredith felt her annoyance rising up to the surface.

Sighing, Derek stepped closer to her and smiled in her direction, but Meredith would not allow herself to be taken in by his charm. "Meredith..." He started, knowing she wasn't about to let him finish.

"No. No...you're keeping something from me..and I want to know. Now." He tried putting his hand on her arm but she shrugged him off of her. Seeing a problem was about to arise, Addison stepped in front of Meredith and spoke to her.

"The nurses last night noticed a bit of swelling around Caroline's fontanel spot." Addison spoke rather hesitantly, knowing Meredith was not going to like what she was being told. It took Meredith a minute to process what her friend had said, but once she had, her face broke back into lines of worry.

"That's...that's bad..." She mumbled, before Addison could stop her.

Addison put her hand on Meredith's shoulder, stopping her friend's mind from diagnosing her daughter with every condition possible. Meredith did not shrug off Addison's hand like she had Derek's.

Softening her voice, Addison went on, "They called me at home and I came in early this morning. I was worried about.."

"Fluid in her brain." Meredith interrupted, her whole body going suddenly rigid with fear.

"It's not uncommon for babies this young to have brain bleeds. We've been monitoring both of them for them since they were born, so I ordered another CT this morning." The whole time Derek had not said a word, he had been standing, watching Meredith's reaction to the news he already knew.

"She...had a CT this morning? How..." Meredith was so confused she couldn't even get her thoughts together. How had she not known? Both her and Derek had talked to Addison twice before even getting to the hospital. But then, her mind shifted, realizing there would be results from the test, and she had to know what they said.

"What did it show?" Meredith asked suddenly, her stomach twisted in an anxious ball of nerves and made her feel dizzy.

Noticing her face had gone pale, Addison asked, "Are you okay? Do you need to sit down?"

"No I don't need to sit down." Snapped Meredith, overcome by anger and fear. They were keeping information from her like a child and she wouldn't stand for it any longer. "I need you to tell me about my baby." Turning to Derek, she noticed for the first time that his face was not full of worry and fear.

In a moment of clarity...she realized that Derek already knew the information. He had known all day. Reading his features, Meredith knew instantly the results of the scan. Her nostrils flared in anger, and she turned to face Addison effectively ignoring her husband.

"They came back negative." She stated, knowing for sure it was true. If her baby had to have brain surgery to fix a bleed, Derek would be beside himself. As soon as her thoughts turned back to Derek, the anger rose into her faster than she could tell it to stop.

Turning, so that she could face him but still see Addison, she fixed her gaze on him and saw his apology already written across his face. "You knew." Meredith started calmly. "You knew this morning that Addison was concerned..." As her own statement ran through her head, she realized even further the lies she had been told.

"You let me sleep late so I wouldn't find out about the CT?" She spat, once again not in the form of a question. Derek's eyes reflected the guilt he was feeling, and she knew it was true. Shaking her head, she could no longer keep her voice even.

"Why would you lie to me? How could you do that? You let me sleep all morning when I could have been here with her...holding her...comforting her...how is it that it's my baby in there and I'm the one in the dark?" Meredith had no control over the words that she was nearly spitting in his direction. They flew right out of her mouth and she paid no attention to who around her heard them.

Feeling bad, Addison took Meredith's pause as a way into the conversation. "Meredith...it's okay." Whipping her head around to the redhead, Meredith glared at her.

"Where do you get off telling me it's okay? You are supposed to be my friend...my doctor...THEIR doctor..."

" I know this is hard, but Derek just thought that under the circumstances...that it would be easier if we waited until we knew for sure before telling you. He didn't want you to worry." Addison knew by the way Meredith's eyes widened that standing up for Derek had not been the best idea.

"And what circumstances are those?" Meredith asked in a challenging tone first to Addison, and then to Derek as she looked back at him. "Go on, Derek. Enlighten me. What...poor, sad, hormonal Meredith can't handle bad news? She might cry...or be sad...so she doesn't get to know?"

"That's not it..." Derek finally spoke up, interrupting her. He hadn't meant to upset her, he hadn't meant for things to spiral so out of control. She was in pain the night before...he just wanted her to get the rest she needed and worrying until there was reason to worry would not have helped.

"It is it!" Meredith cut in, not letting him even finish what he was about to say. "I've dealt with horrible news before Derek...I've had more bad news than anyone..so don't even try saying you wanted to protect me. I can protect myself." Underneath Meredith's anger, was pain...deep, unrelenting pain. She couldn't believe he would keep something like that from her. And, even though it had turned out okay, he had still hid something...and that took the trust she had for him and broke it in half.

"What else have I been kept in the dark about? How many other tests and things have been done on my children without my knowledge?" She felt like screaming she was so frustrated, but instead she used her words to hurt him. She wanted him to feel the pain that was burning throughout her body.

"I can not trust you." She spat, then turning to Addison, added, "Or you." Her words stunned Addison, but they stunned Derek even more.

"Meredith, please just listen. I wanted to wait until we knew more, that's all. I was going to tell you, and then everything turned out negative so I forgot." He was almost pleading with her, wanting her to understand he hadn't done it to be cruel or hide anything. But, he knew just by the pain in her eyes that nothing he said would make a difference at that time.

Derek tried putting a hand on her arm once again, but she backed away, not letting him get near her. "Do not touch me." She commanded with her hands in the air. "Since I'm so broken and fragile I'll just go and let you two come up with more ways to keep secrets from me." She told him. Her anger dissolved at once and it allowed the pain to make its way over her body more fully than before.

She wanted to see her babies...to just race into the room and leave both Derek and Addison behind, but she couldn't. Her anger and pain would not go away so quickly, and she couldn't fathom walking into the NICU so upset. Her daughters didn't need her horrible mood, so instead of walking through the door she turned on her heels and stepped away from both of them.

She couldn't look at him...she couldn't look at her...she just needed to go... to get away from the pair who even years later, still managed to hurt her. "Don't leave..." She heard Derek say, in an anguished voice, but she didn't bother to listen. Tears were seconds away from invading her eyes and she wasn't about to show them how weak she really felt.

Slowly, but with determination and force, she walked down the hallway, not given either of them another glance. Watching her go, Derek felt rage fill his system and he turned from Addison and kicked the wall behind him. "Dammit."

Letting out her own stream of curses, Addison stepped closer to him. "Well, are you just going to let her walk away?" Derek couldn't believe his ex-wife had the audacity to ask him that and the cold stare he sent her way showed it.

"What do you expect me to do? She obviously needs a few minutes to cool off before I chase after her..." He snapped, shaking his head at his own stupidity. Instead of spending a quiet afternoon with her girls, Meredith was angry and upset, it was not how the day was supposed to have gone.

For her part, Addison felt just as stupid. She had clearly been experiencing some form of psychosis when she agreed to hide Caroline's condition from Meredith. "So, you're just going to let her be upset and mad alone?"

"For a few minutes...yes." He nodded his head, but Addison just rolled her eyes.

"And...what if she goes home?"

"She would not...." Derek trailed off, pondering the idea, and then shook his head brushing it off. "She couldn't go home. We came in my car...she can't drive yet...no, she'll stay here." He was sure of himself, until he noticed Addison's arched eye brow.

"You think she could leave?" Asked Derek incredulously.

"I think....she has friends who would drive her home and away from you in a second." Sighing, Derek's shoulders slumped as his confidence deflated all at once. "I really messed up here." He acknowledged, after several minutes of silence.

"We both did. But honestly, Derek, I thought you had told her...you said you would tell her after she woke up! I can't believe I even let you talk me into thinking this was a good idea. Never again, Derek. I'm not your friend here...I'm not your ex-wife...I'm your babies' doctor...I can't be partial to one of you like this." Her voice was stern and commanding, and she put her hands to her belly in a silent apology to her growing son.

"I'm sorry."

"I'll just chalk it up to you losing your mind. You're going to need a lot more than 'I'm sorry' with her...you know that, right? God...I'm going to need a lot more than that too...." Addison was deep in thought, realizing she was in just as much trouble as him. "But, at least I saved her life..so she can't really hate me forever...so you better go find her and fix this."

"I don't know where to look first."

"She couldn't have gone far with the pain she's been in lately." Addison told him in an exasperated tone. She found it exhausting that Derek could still drive her crazy even years after their divorce.

Watching him walk away, she felt bad suddenly. He looked so sad and depressed, nothing like the confident man who usually strode the hospital corridors. But, remembering what had just gone on, she shook off her sympathetic feelings.

"Idiot." Was all she mumbled, before stepping back into the NICU.