Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 78

Meredith wasn't sure if it was just her imagination or wishful thinking, but as she sat staring at her tiny babies, she could have sworn they looked bigger. The warm nod Addison sent in her direction assured Meredith that it wasn't just her mind playing tricks on her.

"Ella's gained five ounces." Addison told her and continued to make notes on the chart in her hands. Meredith was too busy admiring Ella to reply right away. Noticing the silence, the older doctor tilted her head so that she could see over her reading glasses. "Meredith, you okay?" Addison asked as she closed the chart and held it against her chest.

"Yeah. I am." Meredith replied with only a slight hesitation. For once, she actually was okay. All the worries in the world seemed to evaporate the moment she entered the NICU. It had the reverse affect on most people, including her husband, but there was just something about being with her daughter's that made everything seem better.

Still, when she allowed her mind to wander to the incubators around her, she couldn't escape the pain that swelled inside of her. Her girls were premature. But, some of the babies in that room were what they called micro-preemies. Some were so premature that the statistics for their survival were less than ten percent. Even as a doctor, Meredith couldn't fathom that.

"5 ounces...that's good right?"

"Oh yeah. She's a porker that's for sure." Addison teased and Meredith giggled, but her eyes never left the incubator. Her hand was inside, stroking the baby's foot and Ella responded to it with tiny kicks.

"I'll be thankful for the day I can refer to them as porkers." Meredith mumbled and knew she spoke for Derek as well.

Addison was still listening, but had moved over to Caroline's incubator. "Has she gained as much as Ella?" Asked Meredith hopefully...but she knew by the way her friend hesitated that she had not.

Hope was not something Meredith was accustomed to. Hope was usually associated with disappointment, in her life at least. Perhaps it was the babies that Cristina swore made her toxic, or maybe it was the look of pure fear she saw in Derek's eyes every time he entered the NICU. Whatever the reason, she realized right then and there that she was hopeful...and for the sake of her premature daughters, she refused to give that feeling up.

Addison was scanning the chart, and frowned slightly before looking at her friend. "She's gained two ounces. Not as much as her sister." The news was disappointing, and all that hope she had mustered up flickered like a flame about to be extinguished.

Taking a deep breath, she withdrew her hand out of Ella's incubator and shifted so that it could be inside Caroline's. The second her index finger gently stroked the babies fist, Caroline had latched on. With the tiniest of fingers she squeezed with all she had.

The candle that had wavered so unsteadily had come back strong. Hope was restored.

Taking Meredith's silence as the beginning of a Meredith break down, Addison folded up her wire rimmed glasses and reached a comforting hand to Meredith's shoulder.

"Meredith...I don't want you to get alarmed. She's smaller, she's still on the respirator. I fully expect her weight to come up once she's breathing on her own."

"Okay." Whispered Meredith, and Addison was stunned into silence. Looking around she had to do a double take to be sure she was talking to the right person.

"Okay? I was expecting a freak out of some kind..."

"That's the second time I've heard that today." Retorted Meredith, allowing her gaze to leave Caroline's for a second so she could smile at Addison.

"Okay. I'll chalk it up to the hormones." Addison paused and thought for a minute before replying. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it...and opened it again. "I mean this in the nicest way possible...but I have to say I expected you to be falling apart at the seams over all this. I misjudged you Meredith."

Meredith let out a breath in return, and looked up at her friend. Her eyes were tearful, but nothing she couldn't control. "I honestly didn't expect me to feel this way either.." She half mumbled, in a low voice.

"It's just...they're here you know? And...they're perfect. I'm scared to death. But, they need me now. They need me to be here, smiling and encouraging and....hoping. " Meredith's words came out raspy, but filled with energy.

Addison, who was fighting her own batch of hormones found herself teary eyed and looked away. She hadn't admitted to anyone how deeply the babies were affecting her. She had already dropped several other cases just so she could focus solely on the twins. During it all, she had worried for Meredith the most...and Meredith's bravery amazed her.

Realizing they would both end up in tears, Addison cleared her throat and pulled her white lab coat more tightly around her expanding belly. "How's Derek taking it all?" Derek was building it all up, holding all his emotions inside to be strong for Meredith. Addison could see it, and she hoped Meredith could as well.

"He's....not fine." Meredith replied honestly.

"I didn't think so."

"He's trying to be strong for me. I know it."

"I was hoping you would."

Meredith's cheeks curved into a smile at that. "We know him too well."

"Please, even Ava can read him like a book."

Addison's comment made Meredith laugh, but once the small giggles had died down, she let out a sigh. "He's afraid. God...he'll never admit this. But, I think he's scared of this room. He's afraid he'll hurt them....or break them...and he's afraid he'll upset me in the process of having that fear."

Meredith's statement couldn't have been more true. Even though it was Derek who had first touched them...the thought of injuring them weighed solely on his mind. "They're not as fragile as they seem. Figure...from the ultra sounds we took. Ella was squishing her sister half the time...and Caroline's okay."

"I know...I mean he's operated on preemies...he knows...but...." Meredith trailed off allowing Addison to finish for her. "He's Derek."

"That he is." Both girls let silence over take them at that point. It was comfortable though. Addison went back to her charts and Meredith kept her gaze trained on the tiny fingers that were still wrapped around hers.

"Oh my god...." Addison exclaimed in a loud whisper that caused Meredith to look up. "Is that Nancy?" She asked with excitement before putting down the charts so she could embrace the woman in a hug.

Turning in her chair, Meredith looked back to see Addison's fiery hair clashing with Nancy's brown hair as the two woman shared a greeting. They had just seen each other a week before at New Year's...but it seemed like too long for the friends who lived almost a whole continent apart.

The hug ended, and Nancy's eyes met Meredith's. Following Nancy's gaze, Addison's smile faltered and she stepped away from her ex-sister in law. The excitement had worn off, and she suddenly realized what the arrival of Nancy meant for Derek and Meredith.

Nancy smiled at her sister in law. Her lips were still tightly closed and even though it looked extremely forced, there was no doubt it was a smile. Meredith did the same, barely looking her over before returning her attention back to her daughter's. Though the hope for her babies' future was holding strong...the hope for the rest of the day flickered...and then finally burnt out.