Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 53

"You're so lucky you're pregnant Meredith...I really can't wait till I am." Izzie gushed in the cafeteria a week later. The days were passing by slowly, much too slowly for Meredith's liking. She needed it to be February 8th, she was sure she wasn't going to be able to handle her expanding body until then.

"Lucky? Trust me...I don't feel lucky...I look like a beached whale...and today...I feel like I got hit by a truck...it's definitely not luck..." Replied Meredith, trying not to let Izzie's excitement annoy her any more than usual.

"You'll feel better once they shift down, you said the same thing about Ava. As soon as she shifted you were happier."

"I'm having pregnancy amnesia...that's how women keep getting pregnant...we forget how horrible it really is." She was overreacting, she knew, but there was nothing Izzie could say to make her feel less miserable. She paid no attention to Izzie's eye roll.

"I'll feel lucky...I know that. After 3 months of trying you'd think I'd be pregnant by now." Meredith noticed the hint of sadness that crept into her friend's voice. She knew they had been trying to get pregnant...everyone knew...even her 4 year old...but she didn't realize it was so hard for them. She felt the need to comfort her friend, even though she was so not in a friendly mood.

"It takes awhile sometimes...I wasn't exactly trying to get pregnant...so I can't tell you much...but it took Addison awhile...maybe she could give you some advice?"

"I don't think I want to get any helpful baby making tips from Addison." Meredith sighed, not really knowing what else to say.

"If you're stressing about it...that's probably why you haven't gotten pregnant...you just need to relax and let it happen." The words sounded stupid once she had said them. She really couldn't sympathize with Izzie. Ava wasn't planned, though...they hadn't been using condoms every time..so maybe she was...Meredith smiled a bit, realizing that Ava had been a semi-subconscious desire on both of their levels.

Izzie trampled on her thoughts as she continued talking. "How can I not be anxious? I can't wait to have a baby...I can't wait hold it and love it...and name it....even before...just the look on Alex's face when I tell him I'm pregnant...it will be the perfect memory."

"The look?" The cafeteria had filled up, a downside to eating lunch at a normal lunch time. Meredith had to raise her voice just to be heard over the hum drum of the atrium.

"You know...the look most guys get when you tell them you're pregnant. It's that shit eating grin...they're so proud that their boys made it to an egg. It's an ego trip...you know?"

Meredith just nodded in response, not really knowing but pretending she got it anyway. "Then, it changed into pure happiness and love...they picture a little miniature them running around..." Looking at Meredith's dumbstruck expression she added, "Didn't Derek have that when you told him?"

"Um...I didn't exactly tell him about the twins...if you remember..." The subject stung and Izzie shook her head in an apology, realizing it was a bad subject.

"Well, what about Ava?"

"Oh, you mean me screaming it at him in the middle of the Plaza Hotel?" Izzie chuckled at the memory, it was classic Meredith and Derek. Even at Addison and Mark's wedding they had managed to become the center of attention.

"He still had the face though...didn't he?"

Meredith didn't reply right away. Her memories were pulling her away, she tried to focus on Izzie who was staring at her confused, but the scene around her was blurring, given way to a long forgotten memory...

The ballroom of the Plaza Hotel in New York City was gorgeous, one of the best in the city. The bride looked equally stunning in her free flowing, Vera Wang wedding dress. Though it was her second wedding, there was no expense spared. It wasn't the ballroom Meredith was busy looking at, instead it was the back of her husband's head as she chased after him. The lobby of the hotel was just as nice, but she had no memory of it. All she could clearly see in her mind was Derek in his black Armani suit walking away from her.

He was angry at her, pissed actually. If he were a cartoon there would have been waves of smoke bellowing out of his ears. He hadn't been that mad at her in so long that she had almost forgotten what it was like. Wedged into her memory was the ivory silk dress she wore with the painful heels that dug into her feet as she tried to make up for his long strides.

"Derek, just stop!" She called, drawing the attention of those mingling in the luxurious lobby. To her surprise he actually did and whipped around to face her with such intensity that she took a slight step back. She would never forget the anger in his eyes. They bore into her, making her feel guilty even though she had done nothing wrong. He was overreacting, she knew that...and he would know it too if he just let her explain...but she couldn't help but feel bad anyway.

Her resolve was quickly crumbling under his penetrating gaze. "Why should I? So you can lie to me some more?" He spat, clinching his fists in anger. She didn't know what to say, she was going to tell him the next day....tell him that he was going to be a father...it was supposed to be special.

"Derek, I didn't lie! I went to the doctor, it's not a big deal." His forehead crinkled in response.

"You didn't care to mention it? Something is wrong with you...there's been something wrong for weeks...do you think I don't notice how pale you are? How sick you've been every day? And all I get is an 'I'm fine.' It's not enough! You're my wife Meredith...I deserve to know these things." His voice was seething, and each word hit her like a slap in the face.

"I'm not sick Derek. I was going to tell you I went, after all this.." She motioned with her hands to describe the wedding craze of the century happening around them. His fingers ran through his dark curls unable to keep still. The anger hadn't subsided, but his voice went softer, not liking the looks people were sending them.

"It's not good enough. If you start keeping secrets now we'll never last Meredith..." She was struck by his words, tears stung at her eyes, but she refused to cry, because he wasn't getting it. He was brainless...actually brainless. The symptoms had been there. She had each and every classic symptom down to the afternoon morning sickness and hormones galore. She had done a home pregnancy test...she'd even left the box in the kitchen trash can for him to notice, but he still hadn't noticed.

It wasn't his fault he was freaking out....she should have told him, but how could she have done it without ruining the surprise? It made sense to her, but the anger in his voice still made her want to cry.

"It's not like that Derek, you're not listening to me!"

"I am listening! You still don't get it...you didn't trust me...I have worked my ass off to gain your trust and yet...you're still keeping things from me. How does that work Meredith?" She didn't have an answer to give him. Her heart literally hurt and all excitement about telling him about the baby had vanished. She had no desire to tell him, she wanted to run away instead...catch the next plane back to Seattle and forget it ever happened.

He grew frustrated with her lack of response and let out a huge angry sigh before turning and storming away. She watched him go...and it didn't click that he was really walking away. He was leaving...getting as far away from her as he could and she realized that if she didn't do something to stop him in that moment, he may not come back.

Taking two confident steps in his direction she called his name once more. It came out strong, but with a heartbreaking pleading tone to it. He slowed, but didn't come to a complete stop, but at least she knew he was listening. She caught up slowly, but was still a good ten feet away from him. "Derek." She begged, completely worn down. He stopped, giving them each time to catch their breath.

He was still turned away from her, but he listened as she began to speak. "I was going to tell you, tomorrow...I really was. It was...supposed to be a surprise...this isn't how I wanted you to find out..." He turned finally to face her, still taking in deep gulps of air.

"A surprise?" He bit out in reply. She just nodded in response and he clinched his fists again still frustrated. He took a half step, intent on turning and walking away, but her voice stopped him dead in his tracks. He couldn't move, he was frozen in place.

"I'm pregnant." Her words hung in the air and his face was stoic for several minutes. It scared her, she had never once questioned his reaction...she knew he'd be happy...but his unwavering features made her think otherwise.

"You're.....what?" It was the only thing he could finally get out. She was upset, he could tell, but his mind just couldn't wrap around her words.

"Derek...we're having a baby." She whispered, her voice breaking with uncertainty. The words finally seemed to register and she saw an instant sparkle in his eyes.

"Can you say that again?"

"We are having a baby..." She paused between each word letting him take them each in. Before she had even finished the word baby he was bridging the gap between them and pulling her close.

"A baby?" She nodded, unable to reply from the raw emotion running through her. He let his arms fall to his sides so that he could pull away and see her. Happiness was reflecting in both of their eyes and the overjoyed face she'd never forget was staring her in the face. It warmed her heart, it made her whole, the grin he had spreading from ear to ear was all she needed. It wasn't the perfect setting...or mood...but seeing his face was enough.

Her memories began to fade after that. She remembered him taking her back to their hotel room and ravaging her body for hours. She remembered the way he apologized over and over for jumping to conclusions...but what she remembered most was the shit eating grin he had on his face that day...and several days after that.

"Meredith...Earth to Meredith.." Izzie's voice called out to her making the memory fade away. The images of Derek's happy face blurred back into the familiar hospital surroundings around her.

Shaking her head Meredith replied, "Sorry...I was thinking.."

"About the face?" Izzie asked hopefully and Meredith just nodded still lost in the blur of images that had barely left her mind. They were clinging to her, wrapping around the edges of her mind.

Cristina sat down with a huff, interrupting Izzie's attempt to get the story out of Meredith. "Why is it that every patient in this hospital has no need for surgeons today? Am I just cursed? I need a surgery, God owes me a surgery!"

Meredith didn't bother responding, she didn't really care enough to. Cristina had been on edge lately, always complaining about surgery or the lack there of. Meredith had a million more important things to think about then surgery. She hadn't been in one all day actually, and she didn't even mind. Standing for 6 hours with two babies inside of her wasn't the least bit comfortable.

Trying to avoid Izzie's baby talk and Cristina's surgery talk, Meredith looked around the room, eager to find a distraction. There was no one around she knew, and even if she saw someone she knew she averted her eyes so she didn't have to engage in any more conversation. Just as she was about to look back at Cristina a familiar face entered the cafeteria that she recognized instantly. She smiled, and gave an awkward wave forgetting about the company she was in.

Izzie and Cristina noticed her look and turned in the direction she was staring at.

"Oh my god...is that...?"

"Yes...it's George.." Cristina said carelessly. Izzie was staring with an uneasy look on her face. Meredith watched as Izzie and George shared an unreadable look from across the room. He seemed like he was going to come to their table, and then, staring at Izzie...he changed his mind and walked away.

"What is he doing here?" Izzie asked, still dumbfounded, and staring off into the direction George had walked.

"He works here...obviously.." Replied Cristina.

"What...since when? What about California? Did you know he was here Meredith?" Izzie looked at her with suspicion. Meredith didn't seem surprised at all, and Izzie had a feeling there was something going on.

"Um..."

"Of course she knew!" Blurted Cristina. "How do you think he was able to transfer here in the first place?" Izzie glared at Cristina, and looked at Meredith with disdain.

"How could you do that without telling me?"

"Izzie...I thought you knew.."

"How the hell would I know?"

"I don't...know...I thought he would have gone to visit you like he visited me.." Meredith defended, realizing Izzie was getting worked up.

"He came to see you? When was this!? He's been here all this time?"

"Yeah...well...he came to see me when he got here...awhile ago...I don't know..."

"Great that's just wonderful. You're a real good friend Meredith.."

"Izzie, don't do this.." Meredith told her.

"Yeah...why is it such a big deal? So you didn't part on the best of terms...but deal? You're married now." Cristina replied, but Izzie just shook her head and stood up.

"You know, all you two ever care about is yourselves. Have a nice day." Izzie spat before standing up and practically running out of the cafeteria.

"She's such a drama queen.." Cristina remarked and Meredith let her head hit the table with a thud. The situation was not one she wanted to get herself into, and just one more worry to add to her month.