Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 91

"She doesn't like the water." Remarked Meredith as Derek held a naked, screaming Ella in his arms. The babies were too small for a real bath, so Meredith used a warm, wet cloth to clean the tiny infant.

"No, no, I don't think she does." Ella's wet body squirmed in his arms making him extremely uncomfortable. The baby had never moved that much, he had never really seen her that active and he worried he would drop her.

When Ava was an infant, he had worried at first over holding her. But, compared to the twins, Ava had been a giant. Ella and Caroline seemed so much more fragile than Ava ever had been.

"I'm almost done, El." Meredith cooed, but the baby paid no attention. Her skin had turned bright red and her tiny limbs flailed wildly.

Frowning, Derek couldn't bare to see the baby so upset. "Okay, Mer, she's done, she's getting too upset." Finding a small towel, he carefully wrapped Ella inside it and then clutched her against his chest. The small hand towel covered her entire body, and he still couldn't get over the weightlessness of the baby in his arms.

"Ava never liked baths either, do you remember?" Meredith asked, eyeing Derek with a smile on her face. It was adorable watching him cuddle Ella to his chest like she was the most precious thing in the world. The site made her heart flutter.

"Ava still doesn't like baths." Derek winked while unconsciously rocking Ella back and forth.

"Not when you bath her anyway."

"Hmm...I guess Ella will be the same way." He replied in a fake upset voice. Looking down at the baby in his arms, it was impossible to be really upset.

"Let's wash Caroline before it gets too late." It had taken longer than they had anticipated to wash Ella. It had been a long time since either of them bathed an infant and it had seemed much easier on a full term infant.

Derek had gotten more comfortable with holding Ella and even seemed somewhat relaxed as he supported her with one hand and rubbed his finger over her head with the other. Meredith could have sworn she heard him sigh with contentment.

"That means I have to put her down." He replied, in a deflated voice. He didn't want to put her down, he never wanted to put either of them down. Already, he was finding it hard to balance his love and need for both.

Rolling her eyes, Meredith found it hard not to laugh. "Unless you want Caroline to stay dirty and smelly..." It was nice to be able to tease him, it was a far cry from the pain she had felt just hours before.

"Alright, get her diaper ready, I don't want her to be cold." It took just as long to get the baby dry and back into her doll sized diaper. Meredith would have remarked on his slow movements, but she was being just as slow. Neither could handle inflicting any harm on the infant, even if it was accidentally.

Ella was no longer crying by the time Derek placed her back in her incubator. Her eyes were open, staring at him in wonder. Their eyes locked, and he found himself unable to look away. "I really just can't imagine life without them already." He whispered, just loud enough for Meredith to hear.

"Neither can I." Replied Meredith, taking a moment to stare down at both girls. While Ella was wide awake, Caroline was sound asleep. It seemed already that they were complete opposites.

"How did she sleep through that screaming?" Derek wondered, watching her small chest rise and fall. Since coming off the respirator she had gained more weight and had no further problems breathing.

"I dunno, I guess she's used to it by now." Meredith was more confident in holding the girls, perhaps it was her natural mothering instinct, she wasn't sure, but Derek usually preferred it be her who lifted the babies out of their incubator.

"Come here little one." Derek watched Meredith in awe, the same way she had watched him as Meredith lifted the smaller baby into her arms. Caroline didn't even stir and seemed to mold right into her mother's chest.

Realizing he was just standing there doing nothing, Derek grabbed a clean wash cloth and dipped it into the bowl of warm water. "Do you wanna hold her and I'll wash?" On any other day, Meredith would have argued that he was just too scared to hold the smaller baby, but, she was far to happy with Caroline in her arms to let her go.

"Yeah, that'll work." It didn't take as much time as it had with Ella. Caroline barely flinched as the warm water cleaned her skin. While Derek gently stroked her back with the soft cloth, Meredith ran a hand over her downy hair.

Letting her hand travel to Caroline's soft spot reminded Meredith of the pain she had felt earlier. Her soft spot was swollen, indicating fluid on the brain. That's what Addison had told Derek, it's what he had hidden from her and just thinking of it caused her to panic a little.

She was fine though. The babies' CT had come back clean, they were lucky. So very lucky that Meredith couldn't find it in herself to stay mad at Derek, not when her perfectly healthy daughter rested in her arms.

"What are you thinking about?" His voice broke the silence, and she hadn't even realized he had almost completely finished washing the baby. Kissing Caroline's soft head, she almost didn't want to reply and disturb the calm that was surrounding her. The baby inhaled a deep, shaky breath and stirred for the first time. Her eyes grazed open, as if she just needed to get a peak of her mother, before falling back to sleep.


Meredith was too mesmerized to reply at first, but finally, she took her gaze off of her daughter and focused on Derek who had a smile on his face. "I was thinking how I'm not so mad at you anymore."

Draping a small towel over the babies' body, he let his hand rest on her small back. "Funny....I thought you forgave me before we even left the on call room."

"Nope. I forgave you, but I was still mad."

"Oh...well...I'm glad you're not."

"Me too." Was all Meredith replied, because once again she was focused on the identical baby staring at her from inside the incubator. "I think she feels left out." Derek gave her a confused look, until he followed her gaze to Ella and understood what she meant.

Ella was just staring back at them, watching with rapt attention. He actually wasn't even sure how far she could actually see. Addison had said their sight was most likely underdeveloped, but it seemed as if she was staring right at them.

"I don't think she can feel left out yet..." He responded in a teasing tone, but Meredith's face was sad, telling him she believed it. "You want me to pick her up?" He asked, and didn't wait before he responded again. "Okay, I'll pick her up." He didn't even pause to look at the satisfied look he knew would be on his wife's face.

Derek hesitated at first, as he went to lift her. He still didn't know exactly the best way to do it, and he wished it could come as easily to him as it came to Meredith. Looking back at his wife, her small nod assured him he would be okay.

Taking in a deep breath he lifted Ella and had her against his chest before the baby even knew what had happened. Ella let out a piercing cry at first, and he tensed up terrified he had done something to hurt her. Inspecting her closer though, Derek realized she had just been startled, because her face was relaxed and no more cries came from her little mouth.

"She wasn't expecting that." Remarked Meredith, feeling like she already knew what was gong on in her daughter's head. Her body rocked back and forth slowly, lulling Caroling into an even deeper sleep.

"You're okay, Ella, daddy's got you." Ella's head moved frantically from side to side trying desperately to burrow out a comfortable spot against his chest. With surprising confidence, Derek shifted her body lower, so that her head was just above his breast bone, and she stopped moving at once.

Both Meredith and Derek stood in silence, each watching the other's baby. "Is she asleep?" Derek wondered, not feeling Ella move at all, but not able to see for himself without shifting her body again. Tilting her head, Meredith shook her head no.

"Nope, she's just...watching. She's nosy." Derek was happy with that, he was glad his chest could provide comfort.

"Caroline's still asleep, maybe we'll actually have a kid that likes to sleep."

"Don't jinx it, Derek." Meredith told him with wide eyes. She still wasn't sure what they were going to do once the babies were at home with them, but she refused to dwell on it then.

Something caught Meredith's attention, a flash of blond through the scrub room window, and Meredith turned to see Izzie watching them. Following her gaze once again, Derek nodded to Izzie, silently telling her something Meredith didn't understand.

"I told her she could come see the girls." Derek explained, reading the puzzled expression on Meredith's face.

Turning back to Izzie she smiled, and then crinkled her nose at Derek. "Oh...so...you talked to Izzie? You actually...talked without yelling?" Derek chuckled at her question, though he really couldn't believe it himself.

"Well, she paged me after you tried to get her to bring you home...at first I yelled." He admitted, but it didn't surprise Meredith and she rolled her eyes. "But, once I realize she had your best interest at heart, it was kind of hard to stay mad."

"Hmm...we seem to have that in common today."

"I know." He whispered, but then made soft noises into Ella's ear as she started to burrow her head around his chest again.

"You're just not comfortable." Meredith teased, enjoying the way Derek went out of his way to make Ella content.

"I don't have the boobs. That's what it is."

"She doesn't even know what they are yet."

"Oh trust me, once she knows...she'll never give them up. I won't be good enough then." He half teased, but a part of him knew it was true. Meredith hadn't breastfed Ava, Derek never had to contend with Meredith's natural advantage.

Looking at his crest fallen expression, Meredith moved as close as she could, and kissed his cheek lightly. "Don't worry, Derek, how about I just pump the milk, and we can bottle feed them with it?" Turning to her, he was somewhat stunned, and didn't really know what to say in return.

"But...I thought you had your heart set on breastfeeding?" He was confused and felt kind of bad, like he had guilt tripped her into changing her mind. Meredith chuckled, realizing they had never actually discussed it at great length. It was amazing how many topics took a back burner with the babies in the NICU.

"I thought it would be good because of the nutrients the milk provides. And...Addison said because they are so small it would really be good for them. But, do I actually want two kids fighting over my boobs all day long? No...no, I don't."

"Are you sure? I don't want you to give it up because of me."

"I'm sure." She told him, looking down at Ella who, thanks to her burrowing, was now facing Meredith and Caroline. "Maybe sometimes I will, but I want you to be a part of it too. It wouldn't be fair if I got to hog them all the time. Not to mention...I'd feel too bad, if I ended up feeding one and left the other hungry."

"Okay, we can do it together." He told her, sharing a smile as their gazes locked.

"Plus this way, Ava can feed them, you know she'll want to."

"Hmmm.....and we can leave them with your friends and escape to our bedroom without having to worry they'll starve."

Rolling her eyes, she stifled a giggle as Izzie walked over to join them. "You're ridiculous." Meredith teased, but the smile on his face told her he wasn't offended in the least.