Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 106

Walking into her house weeks later, Meredith followed the sound of high pitched giggles through the hallway and into the family room. Once there, she wasn't surprised to find Derek and Ava curled up together on the soda.

Stepping closer to her family, she frowned when she realized her daughter was sound asleep against Derek's side. The happy sounds weren't coming from her, but from the flat screen TV across the room.

Following Derek's gaze, she turned her attention to the TV and smiled when she saw a two year old Ava racing across the screen. Her hair was much lighter and she still had cute little rolls of baby fat peaking out beneath her stocking clad legs.

"This was the first Christmas we spent in New York." Derek said, acknowledging her presence with a gentle smile.

"I remember." Meredith said fondly. Sitting her bag down, she shrugged off her tan jacket not even caring when it landed on the floor.

"How was your surgery?" Wondered Derek with furrowed brows. Her shift had lasted several hours longer than it should have. Even in the dark, he could see the exhaustion in her eyes.

"Long." She sighed, and sat down beside Ava. Both of their attentions were drawn back to the TV as Ava's face closed in on the camera.

"I a good runner!" The toddler exclaimed, and then squealed as her older cousins started chasing her again.

"She did nothing but run that entire night."

"And then she fell asleep under your mother's dining room table." Meredith added in amusement. It was hard to believe the video was over two years old. So much about their lives had changed since then, and yet, so much had remained the same. "Where did you find these?" She asked as she turned towards her husband. They had hours and hours of video of Ava as a baby and toddler, but rarely watched any of it.

"Ava found them in my office. We've been watching them all night."

"You must have worn her out." Meredith adjusted Ava's t-shirt so that it covered her entire back.

"I sent Randi home once I got home and Ava was pretty upset. I'm glad we found the videos. She loved them."

"She'd watch herself all day if she could." Teased Meredith. "Wonder where she gets that from?"

"Hmm...not from me!" He teased knowing it was true, but laughing at Meredith's eyeroll anyway.
The TV got really blurry for a second. Whoever had been holding the camera had started moving it too fast and then just like that, the image cleared and Ava was front and center again. This time, it wasn't Christmas, but a ballet recital. At least a dozen toddlers dressed in various tutus lined the stage, but Ava was the only one actually doing the moves.

"I forgot about that recital!" Meredith exclaimed with a smile. "She was the only one who actually performed."

"She gets that from me too." Derek responded with fake arrogance. "I'm a natural performer."

"You who won't even dance in public." She chided. Meredith was exhausted, and knew she had to get up or she would fall asleep. "How long have the babies been asleep?" She was already calculating in her head if it was even worth going to sleep before their feeding. Both babies were doing exceptionally well with sleeping through the night. They woke up at least twice to be fed, and they seemed to be eerily in sync with not waking up at the same exact time. It helped both of their parents out, who often were much too exhausted to deal with both of them screaming at once.

"They both fell asleep around seven after I fed them."

"Which means...they'll be up soon."

"Sorry, I can stay up and take the first feeding if you want to get some sleep."

"Not that's okay." She argued, making her voice higher to try and hide how tired she was. "I'll take this one up to bed and then relax a little with you." Meredith bent over and lifted Ava into her arms before Derek had the chance to even process what she had said.

"I can take her." He offered, partially getting up.

"I've already got her, it's okay." Ava was definitely not the tiny toddler they were watching on the TV. She was heavy and easily dwarfed Meredith's small frame, but Derek let her go. She wasn't pregnant, or still recovering from surgery, he had no excuse to use.

Listening to Meredith slowly make her way up the steps, Derek turned the volume up on the TV and watched as the screen went blurry once again, and a new scene popped up. They had used the same DVD to film several different things.

This time, the time jump was much greater. Ava's dance recital had been when she was 2 and a half. The scene before him showed a much older Ava. Her hair was long and still blond, but dirty blond. She was dressed in princess outfit and was pretending to fly like a fairy through their kitchen.

"Smile for the camera, Ava." Meredith's voice called out.

"Okay!" Facing her mother, Ava gave the camera a cheesy smile and then continued to making flying motions with her arms. "I'm a fairy princess today."

"You are. And what day is it today?" The camera left Ava for a second, and panned to the kitchen that was decorated with pink balloons and other decorations.

"You're not looking at me, mommy!" Ava pouted, and Meredith's giggle could be heard as the camera moved back to the little girl. "It my birthday party!" The excitement was evident in Ava's voice and she bounced up and down in anticipation. "My party's gonna start soon!"

"It is. We just have to finish setting up."

"This is my castle cake. Take a picture of it, mommy!" Meredith did as she was told, and the camera zoomed in on a giant pink and purple cake shaped like a castle.

It was as if Derek had been sucked into the TV. His attention was focused completely on the little girl in front of him. It was clear to him that it was Ava's fourth birthday party. The fact that he hadn't been there had weighed heavy on his chest all year. Derek didn't even know Meredith had filmed it.

Leaning forward, he felt like he was actually a part of the scene unfolding before him. The images skipped ahead to Ava surrounded by dozens of colorful packages. She didn't tear them apart as most kids did, but took her time examining each and every package. Someone else was holding the camera, because Meredith was sitting beside Ava beaming as the girl held up her Operation board game.

"Now I can be a real doctor!" Ava said proudly.

"It doesn't even have real instruments!" Cristina declared. She was obviously the one holding the camera. Ava just shrugged off the comment and sat the game by her side. Despite the painful ache that was spreading through his chest, Derek smiled like he was seeing his daughter for the first time.

His smile quickly faded however, when the screen blurred and then changed completely. Ava was at the head of their dining room table. Kids and adults were jam packed into the room. Her castle cake was lit and everyone was singing Happy Birthday, except Ava wasn't paying attention at all. All traces of happiness were gone from the girl's face and instead, her bottom lip trembled. She blew out the candles and then looked around the room expectantly. She didn't find what she was looking for and all at once she broke down completely.

"You're okay, this is the fun part." Meredith assured her and Derek assumed she had placed the camera down on the table because a loud rustling could be heard. Only the cake could be seen from the angle, but it hadn't been turned off, and he could still hear everything.

Ava's cries were much louder then they had been before. Her words were all jumbled together in a series of hysterical sobs, but finally, she said something clear, and the tightening in Derek's chest felt suffocating.

"I...I wished for my daddy to come and he's not here." Ava's cries echoed through the room as she repeated it several times and then the camera blurred, and went dark. With shaky hands, he used the remote to fast forward. There had to be more. There had to be more video of Ava having the time of her life, but there wasn't. Letting the remote fall to the floor, he felt the dark and debilitating feelings of guilt clenching at his gut once again.

Leaning forward onto his elbows, he rested his head in his hands and took fist fulls of his curly hair. He still didn't understand how he had done that to his daughter. He couldn't fathom the thought of putting her through so much pain, but he did. He had done it without even giving it a second thought. Lost in his world of self loathing, he didn't hear Meredith venture back down the steps. Derek didn't even notice she was there at all until the sofa dipped down as she sat beside him.

"I'm sorry." She said hesitantly, knowing by his defeated posture that he was upset. "I forgot that was on there." If he was surprised by her presence he didn't let on that he was. Instead, he sat with his head still in his hands for several minutes before he lifted his head up and cleared his throat.

"I just don't know how I could have done that to her." He mumbled with a shake of his head Derek didn't look at her, but she knew what emotions she would see in his blue eyes.

"Derek..." Meredith started in a sympathetic voice. But Derek interrupted her.

"Don't tell me it's okay. It's not okay." Finally, he lifted his head to face her. "I should have been here." He said seriously. The expression on his face was even worse than what she had imagined. He was torturing himself. Drowning in so much self loathing that Meredith didn't know how to help him.

Averting his gaze, they sat in silence once again. It would be all too easy to let him wallow in his guilt the entire night. They had talked about it a lot during the year. Each and every time she told him it was okay. It clearly hadn't worked. Even though she wasn't sure it would work again, she had to do something. Letting his guilt ridden mind tear at his soul was not going to help them at all.

"Everyone makes mistakes." Meredith told him, trying not to be offending by the incredulous snort he let out. "I'm serious, Derek." She ignored him. He had to listen, he had no choice as long as he sat there. "You made a mistake. Well...a few mistakes really...probably more than most husbands make...but, so what? You made up for them. You've changed. We're still married. That's gotta mean you did something right....right?" Knowing the kids were asleep, it took all her strength not to raise her voice.

Derek didn't say anything for awhile. He was still miserable and every once and awhile he would let out a disgruntled sigh. Meredith had no choice but to wait it out. Ella and Caroline would be up soon, and she kept looking over at the bright lights of the monitor to see if any sounds came out of it.

What seemed like an hour later, Derek finally lifted his head and sat up straight so that his back was resting against the sofa. Running his hand over the rough stubble against his cheek, he looked towards Meredith. His forehead was still furrowed into lines of unease. He smiled slightly, but it was a sad smile, with tiny wrinkles forming near his mouth and eyes.

"I'm just going to have to make her party this year the best party she's ever had." Instead of sadness, there was determination in his eyes and that made Meredith feel better.

"Well, she's only had four birthdays and I doubt she remembers three of them...so that won't be hard to do."

"I'm serious, Meredith." Replied Derek with a nod of his head. "It has to be the best. Whatever she wants, I'll do." Crinkling her forehead, Meredith shot him a look of concern.

"You don't need to go over board. She'll only be five. She'll be happy with balloons and a cake."

"She's been planning this party in her head for months. It has to be special." He was so serious about it that Meredith didn't bother to argue. If planning Ava's perfect party would in his head make up for her last one she would let him do it.

"Aright." She mumbled, throwing her hands into the air in exasperation. "Don't come crying to me when she wants a full fireworks display and a Mercedes for her sixteenth." Derek rolled his eyes at her, but somehow, he could definitely see his daughter wanting a custom Mercedes with bright pink paint.

The baby monitor started to crackle and then the unmistakable sound of whimpering could be heard. "I bet that's Cara." Meredith said as she got up. "I'm gonna go get her before she wakes up Ella." Derek didn't seem to have heard her though, it was clear he was lost in party planning mode. "Derek?"

"Okay. I'll be up in a minute." He absentmindedly replied.

"You know, I'm pretty sure Ava will just be glad to have you there. I don't think it matters what else there is." Derek looked up at Meredith with a thankful smile, but it only lasted a second.

"You know that whale thing she was talking about? Do you think there is a place that will bring a real whale...in a tank or something?" He blurted out the question as Meredith was leaving the room and she started laughing, until she turned around and realized he was serious.

"No. I don't." She said with her hands in the air. "And even if you could, the answer would be no. No whales...no large, smelly, zoo animals and absolutely no creepy clowns that are gonna try and feel me up." Derek gave her a questioning frown, but she turned and left the room. "It's a long story...I had some very crappy birthdays...so no clowns." She ranted all the way up the steps until he could barely hear her.

Derek didn't care though. All he knew, was the he was on a mission to plan the best birthday party ever. He made a mental note to look into the whale thing and then headed up to help Meredith.