Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 29

The rainy October weather let no light into the office in the late afternoon and Derek had to adjust his eyes once he stepped in. His office was small, more of a large closet than an office. There was room for his desk, and a small plush love seat and nothing else. It was Ok with him though, he didn't need much.

He noticed someone sitting in the corner on the couch, without turning on the light he could tell exactly who it was. Her body created a dark shadow where light should have been. He used to find her there, in the early years of their marriage. It was the one place she could hide where no one but him would find her. It was safe, and comforting, and she usually used it to catch a good nap. But he noticed, she was anything but sleeping.

Her body was rigid, unrelaxed and sitting completely upright. He could only see the side of her face, so he knew her eyes weren't on him. "Meredith?" he asked, knowing who it was. His words seemed to evaporate into the walls of the small room.

She made no movement, or recognition what so ever that she had heard him. He stared at her for a second, listening for any sign that she had fallen asleep. Her breaths weren't even, but rapid...bordering on erratic.

Reaching for the light switch he flipped it on, suddenly overwhelming the small space with light. He moved closer to her, and stopped once he was able to clearly make out her features.

"Meredith!" He tried again, his voice laced with uncertainty. She was staring off into space, lost in her own thoughts and it took him moving almost directly into her line of vision to get her to focus her eyes on him.

He sucked in a breath, at the watery pools that made contact with his. He could tell by her puffy eyes she had been crying. They were filled with so many emotions he didn't even know where to begin trying to figure out which one was the immediate concern.

Her body shivered, as if realizing she was back in the present and broke the eye contact with him. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end as a worried thought crept over him.

He summoned her back to him, calling her name softly, and then urgently, begging her to look up at him. After a few seconds she did, and what he saw in her eyes that time was anger.

It dawned on him suddenly that she must have met Lexie, or found about her from someone other than himself. She had been fine when he saw her before...a little agitated, but nothing that would warrant such emotion.

He sat down next to her, intent on getting her to speak to him. "You found out about your sister didn't you?" He tried placing his hand in hers, to offer some sort of comfort but she tensed even more and he pulled away afraid to upset her.

"She's not my sister." It was the first time she had spoken since he walked in. It wasn't the coldness of her voice that bothered him, it was how broken she sounded. This wasn't the year for sisterly bonding, he wanted to kill Mark for being stupid enough to let her transfer into Seattle Grace. He dug his nails into his pant leg, but tried to stop the bad mood he could feel coming on in order to help his wife.

"She's not my sister, she's just my father's real daughter...the one who you paged for your craniotomy." Derek's face paled and he let her words sink in, creating an awkward silence.

His palms began to sweat, and he rubbed them against his scrub pants. She was still not looking at him, and he turned towards her practically falling out of the seat to get a look at her face.

"Meredith...please look at me." He asked, not wanted to talk to the side of her any longer. She didn't move, and he wasn't sure if she hadn't heard him, or if she was ignoring him.

He began to speak anyway, suddenly feeling like it was going to turn into a lot more than her sister being at the hospital. He hadn't meant for her to find out before he could tell her...he hadn't even meant to page Lexie at all...his seemingly nice act for the day was kicking him in the ass.

"Ok...well if you aren't going to talk than I'm going to...if that's OK." He didn't expect her to respond. Instead he began to speak, deciding to start from earlier in the day and hoping she wouldn't stay mad at him. He wouldn't care if she was mad, she had a right to be, he should have told her as soon as he found out. But her being mad meant she'd bottle up the emotions that so clearly were trying to make their way to the surface, and that he knew would end in disaster.

He sighed, resting his hand on his unshaven chin. "Mark told me this morning she was transferring here. He didn't know she was your...Lexie when he signed off on it. He just found out this morning when she introduced herself."

He could tell Meredith was listening, her breath had evened and she was sitting incredibly still, like she was on edge over what he was about to tell her. "I tried looking for you all morning, and then when I found you...you were rushing off and I didn't want to tell you in the middle of the hallway..in front of that intern, I knew it would upset you so I waited."

He expected her to put her two sense in and question his wear abouts for the rest of the day that he had failed to tell her...but she didn't. He lowered his voice, speaking much more softly, and moved as close to her as he could.

"I didn't page her for my surgery Meredith. The nurse paged her by accident...and once she was there I felt too bad to send her away...she seemed like she had gotten that a lot today...I didn't want to be an ass.."

Meredith suddenly turned and gave him a cold stare. "Why do you even care what she feels? You don't even know her and suddenly she's your best friend?" He looked up into her angry face and couldn't help but feel relief at the fact that she was actually talking to him.

Was she jealous of the fact that he scrubbed in with her sister? He didn't understand...and he tried not to let on to the fact that his mind was racing in circles trying to figure out why that upset her so much. He knew having Lexie there wasn't going to be easy, but he never dreamed it would end up affecting them as a couple.

"Meredith.." He started again, but this time pulled his hand into hers, grabbing it so she couldn't pull away. With his other hand he swiped a small hair behind her ears lovingly.

"I am not friends with her, I barely even know her...but in the back of my mind I knew she was your sister...and I felt sort of obligated to protect her. That's all, you have nothing to be jealous over."

She looked away, and tried to scoot further from him, but there was no room left on the small seat. She tried to bite back the tears, not wanting to cry, not wanting to be such an emotional wreck. Her shoulders shook anyway, with the force of her fighting it and finally she couldn't ignore the trickle of wetness that ran down her cheeks.

It was her quivering body he noticed first, and by the time he realized what was happening she was full out sobbing and all he could do was watch before his mind caught up and he moved to hold her.

She hadn't cried in a long time. He joked about her crying...and knew that if he said the wrong thing and caught her in one of her "baby moods" that she probably would cry...but this was a first.

"You're Ok Meredith." He whispered into her ear and in response she just shook her head and continued to cry. He rubbed small circles around her back the best he could in the awkward position on the seat they were in. He wasn't sure what else to do. He had no idea what she thinking, but he kicked himself for even allowing Lexie anywhere near him.

"She..." Meredith tried to make out words but they were too muffled by his shirt, so he pulled away. "Shhh...calm down so you can talk." He realized that he had a lot of patience. A break down like this would probably annoy the shit out of most people, but he was used to it, she kept everything wound so tight that when she actually allowed the flood gates to open it was usually monumental.

Meredith took a deep breath, attempting to calm herself down. The tears continued to fall freely, but she was able to sit still and look at him. With a smile, and a tilt of his head he wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks, wanting to just kiss each one away.

"She had everything...my dad...the perfect childhood...it's not fair she should have this too...she can't just come and take away my life..." Her voice broke and he could tell she was getting upset again.

Derek face softened in silent understanding. It finally clicked, it wasn't jealousy...at all and he couldn't help but sigh and pull her back into his arms to fight the ache that was rising up his chest.

"She may have had everything you didn't as a child, but you have it all now Meredith. You have the family...and I know we're not perfect...but she can't ever take that away." He kissed her forehead, trying his best to comfort her.

For the first time all day Meredith felt safe and loved, being in his arms did that to her. She grasped onto his arm, squeezing his bicep, not wanting to let him go...thinking if she could just hold him a little longer all the pain would go away.

"I love you." He whispered and she sniffled, finally able to get her emotions in check. She wasn't sure how she got so lucky, or how she ever once thought of letting Derek Shepherd go.

They sat in a comfortable silence for awhile, content just to listen to each other breathe.