Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 30

 "Look who finally showed up!" Cristina heckled upon Meredith's arrival. She had been waiting, along with Derek and two very anxious kids for the past 30 minutes and she was starting to get annoyed.

Running feet, a sound that could rival a heard of elephants could be heard echoing down the tile hallway and within seconds Meredith was surrounded by both Ava and Tyler. They were out of control bouncing up and down in excitement.

"Aunt Meredith's here now we can go!" Tyler hollered at her, taking the time to fix his black pirate hat so it would no longer cover his eyes. Placing her bag down at her side, Meredith stepped back to get a better look at the hyper children.

They looked adorable in their costumes and she played dumb when asking them what they were supposd to be. Of course she knew, with the exception of a last minute Hannah Montana costume, all she had heard all month was who was dressing up as what on Halloween.

"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow!" Tyler proudly displayed, stomping his foot to show off his best pirate moves. "Isn't he a little young for Pirates of the Caribbean?" Derek scoffed, stepping into the room and shooting Meredith a sly smile. He enjoyed arguing with Cristina, it was fun to tease someone who could give it right back with no hesitation.

Cristina shot him a glare and pulled Tyler to her so she could fasten on his plastic sword. "Listen McDreamy, if I'm forced to participate in this Holiday I'm making sure he doesn't go as something wussy like Batman or Bob the Builder." "Bob the Builder is for babies Mom!" Tyler corrected, and pulled away from her grasp.

"Hey, Batman is not wussy!" Derek replied, in mock hurt and Meredith narrowed her eyes letting him know she was not in the mood to listen to him antagonize Cristina all night.

He smiled, shooting him an apology with his soft gaze, and then continued to stare at Cristina. "Cristina, you're so sentimental, I love it." He joked, and then let out a groan when Meredith poked him in the side.

"Where's Burk anyway, isn't he usually the poster dad for these kind of thing?" Cristina's face changed immediately from playful to cold and he could tell by the sudden tension in the room he had said that wrong thing.

He watched, as a silent observer as Meredith and Cristina shared some form of silent girl code with their stare, and he felt suddenly left out of the loop. He couldn't recognize what message Meredith's half frown, half look of concern was sending and it bothered him...thinking he was a master at reading his wife.

"This is your first Halloween you've made it to, what would you know?" Cristina suddenly snapped and took hold of Tyler's hand to usher him out the door. The dig hit below the belt, and Derek looked down at the ground knowing it was the truth.

Meredith had brought Ava to Cristina's since she was a baby for Halloween. Living in the woods wasn't really conducive to the age old tradition Meredith had always longed to be a part of.

Derek had been stuck working the first two years, and the year before he had forgotten about the holiday altogether. It wasn't as important to him as it was to her, she got that, not many adults could say they never had the chance to trick or treat. It was the reason she made it such a big deal for her daughter, she had taken her out in the pouring rain the year before just to give her the chance at her first Halloween she'd actually remember. But, it still hurt non the less when Derek had made paper work in his office more important than his daughter's first Halloween.

Thinking back to that first year, she realized Derek had started pulling away from his family then a there, what she had chalked up to hazards of the job, was really step one in his road to indifference.

He sighed, and looked up to meet Meredith's eyes. He had his depressed look on his face, the one that he only used when he felt really awful about something. It took the light right of his eyes and seemed to age him well beyond his years.

He was making an effort then, she knew that. His insistence upon going to the ends of earth to find Ava the perfect costume would have been enough for her. She hadn't expected him to be able to go to her Halloween parade. In past years he had shrugged it off as being too short to get out of a whole surgery for, but this year he had jumped at the chance to go, and it made Meredith's heart race, wishing she could have been there as well.

He had taken a video of it and everything, which he had proudly placed in her locker during his visit to the hospital. She cried, in shock, but she'd never tell him that. He was there, being all perfect and loving every minute of it and she felt the tears invading her ducts again, but turned her head away in order to shake them off. She was still waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering just how far Derek was going to go before he realized he was bored and wanted to be back at the hospital.

The boredom never came though, and as they shuffled along the leaf strewn sidewalk she couldn't help but look at the way his eyes lit up as he watched Ava run from driveway to driveway.

"Are you ok?" He asked, concerned at her sudden sluggishness. They had stopped at the end of a long driveway and watched as Ava and Tyler greeted the woman dressed as a witch at the door.

"Just tired." She replied, and turned to be sure Cristina was still behind them. Cristina had barely spoken a word since leaving the house and Meredith wanted nothing more than to pull her aside and figure out what was going on.

"You can always go back to the house and wait for us, I don't want you over exerting yourself.." He worried and she shrugged it off, annoyed at the suggestion, but no wanting to pick an argument with him.

"I'm fine Derek, just tired. It wasn't exactly the best of days.." Meeting Lexie along with missing Ava's parade had left her in a horrible mood, one she wasn't even willing to get into at that time.

He watched her nose crinkle, a sure sign she was avoiding what was bothering her the most, but as he watched Ava running back to them with a huge grin on his face, he opted to just let it go.

The leaves crunched underneath their feet as they shuffled to the next few houses. Cristina's neighborhood was full of well manicured, gigantic houses. It was the cliche of suburbia. Row upon row of the exact same house, all with street names like "willow bend...and plum tree drive." It made Meredith cringe each time she went, but she kept reminding herself, that it was good for Ava.

Cristina rushed ahead behind Tyler, who was moving at an alarming pace. Meredith tried not to notice the tension her friend was clearly carrying. Children ran around the couple on all sides dressed as ghosts, goblins, and characters from popular shows she never had time to follow with her daughter. The air seemed to hold it's own crisp excitement. Even the moon was full and bright, as if it had waited all year to be at it's best.

Both Meredith and Derek seemed to stop at the exact same time to gawk at the picturesque moon. Their eyes met, the glimmer from the sky reflected in both of their equally impressive orbs and suddenly they felt connected like never before.

"Hey lovebirds, I hate to break this up.." Cristina called back to them, breaking the spell and just like that the connection was lost. "Can you walk any slower?" She remarked dryly, causing Derek to narrow his eyes in her direction.

"Sorry." Meredith responded, stuck between feeling obligation to figure out what was wrong with her friend, and enjoying the moment with her husband. "It's not like I'm carrying two babies in my uterus or anything.." She countered, annoyed with Cristina's lack of sincerity.

"Well...I'm going to take the kids ahead, all the good candy will be gone by the time we get there at this rate." Meredith nodded, watching as Ava and Tyler bounded ahead and Derek just stared at her, not understanding how the two women managed to be friends.

"Explain to me why she is our friend again?" He mumbled, only letting the slightest bit of annoyance show. "She's my best friend Derek."

"She turns everything into a competition Meredith, and what the hell is going on with Preston?" He threw his hands up to prove his point and they started walking again, this time at an even slower pace.

"I don't know. She wont talk about it. And she's Cristina...we understand each other." He stopped walking, causing her to stop and turn to face him in confusion.

"I understand you Meredith. I could be your best friend you know." Meredith laughed, not meaning to, but found how serious he was funny. Though they were facing each other, there was no connection like there had been moments before.

"You are my friend Derek. But, there will always be things we don't understand about each other." She spoke quietly, shying away from him by looking down at the ground. He reached out, and touched her cheek gently, the feel of his cool hands sending shivers down her spine.

With a tilt of his head he asked, "Like what? What is there that you don't understand about me?" He asked gently, he could feel her keeping something back, and his stomach dropped as her eyes came up to meet his.

She didn't want to have this discussion, didn't want tell him that she couldn't understand his absence...that she couldn't figure out why he would pull away from the two people he loved the most.

The intensity in his eyes was telling her he wasn't going to let it go. His gentle features gave her the strength to continue...knowing the topic was something they had never really gotten to the bottom of. She asked the question, with regret, realizing she wasn't sure what the answer would do to her. Realizing...she may not want to know the answer at all.

"I don't understand what would make you choose the hospital over your family. I don't understand what would make you miss this..." She emphasized the scenery around her with her hands. "every year...for three years straight." His eyes turned cloudy, and she could tell that it wasn't what he was expecting her to say.

"You chased me...ended a marriage for me...fought for me...finally had me...and then gave it all up just like that. I sat here every year with Ava. Every year in this same exact spot watching her have the time of her life and you stayed at work...you were willing to just let both of us slip away...and it took me leaving you to see that. That's what I don't understand. That's why Cristina is my best friend, because she was year all those times you weren't."

Meredith wasn't yelling, she wasn't angry, she was done being angry about it along time ago. The anger had been replaced by constant pain. Pain she had tried to subdue under the umbrella of them working things out. She stood there, calm and collected...watching his eyes fill with moisture. She could tell by his crest fallen expression that his heart had just shattered him in two.

She regretted saying it, regretted bringing up the topic at all. They were standing on a picture perfect street, with a million happy families racing by completely oblivious to the emotional turmoil they were going through.

He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He knew it, knew everything she was saying was the truth, but somehow it hurt a million times worse hearing her broken voice saying it.

"I don't..." He choked, stuttered, sniffled...as his mind spun out of control. "I don't understand it myself...I just...I took you for granted." He stepped closer to her, begging her not to run away, not to flee the discussion that so needed to be aired out. They had opened Pandora's box...the box of all boxes and it couldn't be closed now.

She was staring at him, tears threatening to spill down her cheeks any second. She was dreading his explanation. "I just thought you'd always be there...and that things would be ok...I let it happen with Addison...I just...became indifferent towards her."

He watched Meredith's face fall in anguish and she couldn't help the tears that began to cascade down her cheeks. He shook his head, taking her hand in his and forcing her to make eye contact with him.

"That didn't happen with you. You need to understand that. You need to know." He couldn't stand to see her cry...crying because of him. "I never stopped loving you, I never became indifferent...I always worried, always wondered what you were doing."

Meredith looked above him, to the side of him, anywhere but at his eyes. She didn't want to hear it. The horrible thoughts she had managed to push out of her head for the past few years were now being voiced by her husband.

"Please Meredith. Please listen...it took you leaving to wake me up, it was like I had fallen asleep. I got stuck in this pattern...this pattern of repeating the past and I didn't realize it. You had the courage to stand up to me and face it head on...I love you...and if I have to spend the rest of my life making it up to you I will, because those months we spent separated were the worst months of my life."

Tears trickled down his face and he pulled her to him, embracing her the best he could. He just had to hold her, had to have that connection back once again. She was tense, not believing his words, and then finally succumbed to his strong arms wrapped around her.

She loved him, a love so deep that no matter how bad he harmed her she wouldn't stop loving him. It scared her, but as they stood there, in the middle of the sidewalk...she couldn't think of anywhere else she wanted to be.