Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 54

Derek let out an annoyed sigh and shifted over to his side to get into a more comfortable position. Him and Meredith had gone to bed almost an hour earlier, and yet neither of them were asleep. At her insistence, he had not touched her, they had gone to bed on their separate sides. It felt cold without being close to her and it took awhile to get used to the feeling. They always snuggled close, but he was willing to do anything to make her more comfortable.

She moved a great deal during night usually, it was hard to find a comfortable position with the babies inside of her, but she was moving even more than usual. It seemed like each time he dozed off she was changing positions and letting out loud sighs. In his new position he was facing Meredith's back just staring at her head. He couldn't sleep...there was no point, until she fell asleep she'd keep waking him up.

Meredith was pretending she was asleep, but the small movements her legs were making gave her away, not to mention the lack of snores. He watched for several minutes, and found himself slowly drifting off when her shoulders began to shake and his eyes popped wide open. He thought he was imagining things, because every time he was sure her shoulders were shaking, they would stop.

Finally, he heard a muffled sob followed by a sniffle breaking the silence and he knew she was crying. He waited a few seconds, to be sure, and then carefully inched closer to her.

"Meredith?" He whispered her name, causing her to stop moving suddenly. Unable to hold it in she let out a remaining sniffle in response. "I know you're awake.." He was so close he could smell the flowery bubbles that had scented her skin from the bath she had taken hours before.

"I'm fine.." She mumbled into her pillow.

"You're fine?" He bit back with a sigh.

"I am, I'm ok." Meredith cleared her throat and wiped the remaining tears from her eyes. She was determined to keep her strong resolve, even though he saw right through it.

"Right..so it's 2 AM and you're crying...instead of sleeping...not to mention keeping me awake because you're fine?" He asked incredulously. He expected her to reply, or at least argue, but instead she just laid in silence. He could have just given up and tried to sleep, but his heart ached at knowing she was upset. It was as if she was giving him the cold shoulder, only he had done nothing to deserve it, and he didn't understand what was going through her mind.

After several minutes of painful silence he couldn't take it anymore and turned to his bedside table to flip on the light and then rolled back over to her. "I have no idea what's going on...you need to talk to me. You can't just keep stuff bottled up...you're really starting to worry me." He was trying not to sound annoyed, but the late hour mixed with her refusal to talk to him was slowly wearing him down.

"Can you just hold me..." She whispered and he could barely hear her so he had to lean even closer.

"You...what? You're crying because I'm not holding you...?"

"No...I just...forget it.." The dejected tone of her voice broke his heart and he wrapped his arms around her without a second of hesitation. They were both in the center of the bed now, the heat from their joined bodies making the heavy comforter unnecessary.

"You don't have to ask" He mumbled into her ear and snuggled up behind her. She wasn't put off by his touch like she had been earlier and it felt nice to be able to hold her without her body going rigid.

Meredith kept squinting her eyes shut to keep tears from leaking out. She wasn't trying to be difficult, she couldn't control her emotions, they were all over the place making her feel even worse. Knowing she had to say something she replied, "I had to ask tonight." His body was the one to tense up and he pulled away from her just slightly so that he could attempt to see her face. He couldn't tell if she was joking...or serious...or trying to mess with him.

"Seriously? You told me not to touch you! I wasn't going to touch you and get you upset.."

"Please don't get mad..." She pleaded and his breath hitched the same way it had earlier when she had said the same thing. He took his time to think about what he was going to say and then gave up trying to see her and wrapped his arms even tighter around her. She intertwined her hand with his and he squeezed it in return, not sure what else to do to comfort her.

"I'm not getting mad. I'm just shocked...and confused. I thought the hormones were leveling off...now they are worse than ever? I'm starting to think these babies are out to get me." She laughed, despite her being sad, her whole body shook in humor instead of sadness, which made him happy. "Really, it must be my karma...for screwing up so bad."

"I think it is." She responded once her giggles had stopped.

"I'm in trouble then.."

"Yeah, I think you are." They were thrown back into silence and he let his body relax against hers. He wanted to turn off the light, but didn't feel like moving form his comfortable position. He could feel his body drifting off, it was that strange feeling where his body was tuned in to what was around, but his mind had drifted into a split second dream, the kind that only lasts seconds before your body revolts and shakes you back to waking.

"Derek?"

"Hmm?" He mumbled into her shoulder.

"Did you miss me?" His mind cleared through the fog to try and figure out what she was asking.

"Did I miss you when?" She let out a sigh and he felt tiny drops fall onto his hand. She was crying again, silently, and it made his stomach churn. "Shh...you can tell me." He comforted. His warm breath in her arm made her shiver.

"When you spent all your time at the hospital....did you miss me?" He couldn't hide the sharp intake of breath. The lingering doubts would always be in her mind...he couldn't change that. No matter what he did or how hard he tried, only time could make the box that hid her remaining insecurities disappear. He tried not to think about it most of the time. They were going to therapy, and talking, and planning for the future...it was hard to even remember how bad he had messed things up. But, moments like that night, when she was so raw and vulnerable left a dark feeling of dread over his mind and soul.

Tears were prickling his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. He had hurt her, he was still hurting her, and that knowledge left a twinge of self hatred he couldn't control. He didn't deserve to cry, not when she was the one in pain.

"Of course I did." He told her, without a doubt. But it came out forced, because he was struggling to keep his emotions in check and his voice under control. His body was screaming at him to let the sobs out, but his mind was reminding him to stay strong.

"Really?" She questioned, not in a disbelieving tone, but in such a hopeful way that it stabbed straight to his heart.

"I knew something was missing...each extra minute spent in surgery made the hole bigger and bigger...I just didn't realize it was you I was missing." The words hurt her, he could tell. She pulled her hand out of his and laid completely still. Her upper body was slightly tense, willing him to pull away. He couldn't lie to her about it, there was so much about his absence that he didn't understand...and even after weeks of therapy...it still eluded him.

He wasn't going to let her pull away, he knew her mind probably already had, but he had to keep her there in the moment. "I was so caught up in the hustle at work, I forgot the moments like this. God Meredith, I can't even think about not having these moments with you." Derek could tell she was listening, her breath was coming in soft gulps. He took her hand back into his and squeezed it again to bring her back.

"I love you, that never changed. I was just an idiot." To his surprise she squeezed his hand back, and opened her legs so that he could wedge his knee in between them. They were now as close as they could possible get.

"Yes, you were..." She agreed.

"I'm lucky I have you to smack me around once in awhile and keep me in line."

"Next time you'll be bruised beyond repair." She joked, and he was surprised at how fast their conversation had turned light. One of the great things about their relationship was the way they could transition from sad to happy in a matter of seconds.

"There wont be a next time...I can't promise I won't piss you off somehow...especially during the rest of this pregnancy...but there will never be work crazy Derek again...that you can be sure of."

"Ok."

"Ok? So...that's it...everything is ok now? All I had to do was hold you and tell you I missed you?"

"I think so. I'm sorry..."

"Don't be.."

"This week has just been awful, I'm an emotional nut case..." She was frustrated with herself, and sighed.

"You are not."

"Izzie's mad at me..."

"Because I yelled at Alex?"

"No...you yelled at him?" She tried to turn and face him but he squished the side of his face onto hers so that she couldn't move at all.

"Maybe...a little.."

"Derek.."

"If they want to have Ava over, he has to watch what he says. That's all I said. Telling Ava she's an inconvenience...and discussing baby making...that's unacceptable." His words came out muffled because of the position of his face. "Why's Izzie mad at you?" He asked while he grazed his thumb softly over hers.

"I helped George get a job...and didn't tell her he was here..."

"Why is it your job to tell her?"

"I'm her friend...I should have...I just...I thought she knew? How was I supposed to know George was avoiding her?" Derek pulled away from her long enough to reach for the light and comforter, before he was back to his old position.

"Why does she even care? I thought her and Alex were all super happy on their baby making kick."

"I don't know...but I feel bad...she said I was selfish."

"What? You are not, and even if you were...you have every reason to be...you have a lot going on right now...she needs to understand that."

"She doesn't.."

"She's a drama queen." Meredith couldn't contain her giggles.

"That's what Cristina said..."

"Well, her and I agree once a year usually...can we go to bed now?" He wondered out loud. She knew he'd stay up and talk if she needed it, but exhaustion was setting in for both of them.

"We can now that you're here."

"I was always here." The words comforted her, allowing the rhythm of their joined bodies to lull her to sleep.