Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 72

Meredith's eyes had drearily fluttered open when Derek had finally made it to her room. She had tried her best to stay awake, but the pain medication had kicked in making her drift off into what Derek hoped was a peaceful sleep. He stayed in the room anyway, making himself comfortable in the familiar chair by her bed. The room was silent. After Addison's check up, Meredith no longer needed the heart monitor. He knew she'd most likely be moved back to her old room by the end of the night.

A low rumbling pierced Derek's ears and it took him a whole minute to realize it was actually the low growl of his stomach. A glance at the well used cell phone in his pocket told him it was past dinner time. With a frown, he tried to remember the last time he had eaten, but the attempt was futile. All memories before his abrupt departure from the earlier surgery he had performed were lost.

Meredith's eyes fluttered open momentarily, locking on him instantly. They shared an intense look, one that said more than words could, but before either could speak, her eyes were fluttering closed again as she succumbed to the pain medication. He felt more relaxed in the knowledge that she had seen him sitting there. He hoped, that somewhere in her subconscious it would register and bring comfort to her.

All thoughts of food were gone suddenly, and he let out an overwhelmed sigh. He had passed Mark on the way to Meredith's room and once again turned down the use of his office. But, as the minutes passed with nothing to do but let his mind wander like a freight train bound for destruction, his eyes grew droopy. Derek hadn't slept much the night before, he had been up early for surgery...he wondered if maybe he should have taken Mark up on his offer.

Derek must have shut his eyes for longer than he thought, because when they opened again, they felt heavy. They stung like they hadn't had moisture in days and he could feel some crust around the corner of his eye balls. He must have fell asleep at some point. Sitting up, so that he was no longer leaning his head against the back, he looked to Meredith, only to be met with her cold, green eyes that were intently fixed on him.

The last time he had seen her on pain medication she was hyper, high as a kite and hilarious. He had expected the same reaction. It wasn't her fixed gaze that worried him. No, it was the lack of sparkle in her eyes. Her eyes, which usually held everything she was feeling like a crystal ball, were emotionless. Not in recent memory could he remember a time she had looked at him that way.

Wiping his eyes to rid them of the crust build up, he smiled lightly, but it was met with no reaction. The woman beside him just stared into his eyes, not reacting in any way. A chill ran up his spine. "Meredith?" He whispered gently, but was met with nothing. She made no reaction to her name. If he didn't know better, he'd think she wasn't alive at all.

Taking her hand in his, he gave it a squeeze and then shuddered when she didn't squeeze back. It was as if something had come and sucked her soul out of her body. A hard shell remained, that looked like his wife, but her behavior wasn't his wife at all.

"Meredith?" He tried again, this time with a hint of desperation in his voice. He wanted to wave a hand in front of her face, but the gesture seemed to insensitive. "Are you okay? Talk to me, Meredith." A few more minutes went by with nothing. No facial expressions. No words. Not even a deep breath. Meredith blinked occasionally, letting him know she was indeed alive, but that was it.

Just when he was about to stand up and physically shake her, Meredith's eyes closed, and then, as if opening for the first time, they widened considerably. Even though she was staring directly at him, her eyes couldn't focus on him, and they darted around the room frantically. It was like déjà vu for Derek. For a moment, he was too stunned to do anything. It felt like he had been transported back to the first time she had woken up just hours earlier.

Snapping out of his trance just as she began to flail her arms, he cupped her cheek and scooted his chair as close as he could. "Meredith, it's me. I'm right here." He knew, without having to ask, that it was him her green orbs were searching for. He watched as her eyes focused on his, finally registering that it was him right in front of her. He cocked his head to the left slightly and gave her a small smile of reassurance.

"You're here." Whispered Meredith in a voice so small and broken that he thought he would start to cry just from hearing it. He managed to hide his emotion by clearing his throat.

"Of course I'm here. I've been here for awhile." His face was still cupping her cheek, stroking it with the same feather light touches he had used with the babies. The eyes that had been cold just moments before were filled to the brim with emotion. It took his breath away. It actually hurt Derek to see her in so much pain, but he kept his gaze on her, refusing to look away.

"You weren't here earlier." His brow furrowed in confusion. Did she not remember waking up the first time? He hoped not, he couldn't imagine having to tell her about the babies all over again. His hand left her cheek in order to travel to her forearm.

"I was here when you woke up. Do you remember?" She was silent, but nodded her head yes. He couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief.

"It doesn't matter." She responded quietly, leaving him completely confused. Taking his hand off of her altogether, he let his confusion show with two distinct lines across his forehead.

"What do you mean? Of course it matters. I was here."

"No. No, it doesn't." She shook her head forcefully and tried to turn her head away from him. Reaching over he took her head in his hands and gently kept it still. The cold tone of her voice worried him.

"Mer...are you okay?" He didn't mean to whisper, but he was afraid to use his normal voice. Meredith's face was filled with anguish. Her eyes were glossy and filled with tears that were just waiting to fall.

"No." She told him honestly, and then used her hands to weakly try and pry his off of her face. "Just go, Derek. You don't have to be here. It's stupid."

Not wanting to upset her further, he released the hold on her head, but didn't leave her side. He didn't understand what she was talking about and the emotion she was displaying on her face was slowly breaking his heart. Noticing the IV drip in her arm, it reminded him that she was on medication. He kept that in mind as he tried to process what was happening.

"Of course I have to be here."

"No, no, you don't" Her words were kind of slurred, but still authoritative. Lifting one hand he thought about touching her again. He needed to feel her, he wanted to hold her, but he ran his hand through his curls instead. Derek's hair was messy, with pieces going in all directions, a result of him running nervous hands through it all day. There was no way he was leaving her now, no matter how much she yelled at him. He had done what she asked, and now he wanted nothing more than to be with his wife.

"What's going on, Meredith? I'm not leaving." Derek insisted, and scooted his chair closer to make his point. Hot tears were gliding down her cheeks. Even in the dim light of the room he could see them and his face softened immediately. Meredith didn't respond right away. Her eyes stayed focus on the ceiling despite the fact that his gaze had never left hers. Tears came more quickly, but she still didn't look at it.

Letting out a sigh, he waited it out. There was nothing else he could do. Normal Meredith wasn't pushable. But this wasn't even normal Meredith. This was hormonal, upset, and highly medicated Meredith. He was shocked she was making sense at all. "I'm a failure, Derek. You don't really want to be here, so just go." Her words were like shards of glass piercing the thick tension of the room.

"What?" He nearly stuttered in disbelief. He tried to tell himself not to even listen to what she was saying. She would remember nothing the next day, but his curiosity out weighed all rational thought. He couldn't even imagine what thoughts were rolling through her mind. High or not, they were still her real thoughts. 'Maybe the drugs just made her more able to say them out loud.' He thought to himself before shaking his head again.

"Meredith, look at me." He told her gently. Bringing his hand back up to her cheek, she flinched at his touch and he choked back a sob. It was breaking his heart to see her so upset and know that he could do nothing to help her.

Her head was shaking in his hand as sobs started to wrack her tiny body. "No, I failed, Derek. I failed, and you should just take Ava and get as far away from me as you can. I'm a horrible mother." Her words were strung together in rapid pace, making it hard for him to understand. But, once her words sunk in, he almost wished they hadn't.

His heart was breaking with each word she uttered, but he listened to her anyway, fighting the gut wrenching feeling that had settled in his stomach. Though he felt his own sobs rising steadily up his throat, he maintained a calm exterior and stroked the side of her face in a circular motion. "I couldn't keep them safe. I couldn't save them. You don't have to forgive me, just leave now. I'll understand, I won't even try to come after you." His brow was furrowed in confusion as what she said started to click in his mind.

She was blaming herself. The realization hit him square in the chest. Nothing about the babies' premature birth had been her fault. In fact, it had been out of her control basically from the day she was placed on bed rest. He never would have put the blame on her. It was he who had put her under so much stress so early in her pregnancy anyway. If it was anyone's fault, it was his. But, the doctor in him knew better then to pass blame anywhere. Under normal circumstances, she would know better too. He was sure of it.

Derek had to stop her menacing thoughts, but he wasn't sure how to do it. She was no longer just mumbling, just crying. Meredith was on the verge of hysterics and he felt completely helpless. "Meredith..." He started, with all intentions of arguing with her, but ended up letting her name trail off his lips. She wasn't even thinking clearly, arguing would not help at all. If she really did feel like it was her fault, he could argue with her the next day, when she would at least be able to listen to reason.

"I love you." He told her with as much meaning as he could muster. His throat was burning from the cries he was warding off. His voice seemed to get through to her somehow. Her eyes lit up. It was so small of a change that a person that didn't know her well wouldn't even notice. Her gaze shifted to him and their eyes met for a few seconds, but in that brief time he saw her fears clearly reflecting back to him.

With the pads of his thumb he stroked her face lovingly, comforting her with the small motion she would allow. He whispered "Shhhh" every now and then, but for the most part he remained silent and let his comforting eyes do the talking. He didn't know how long he watched her, but after awhile her eyes lids turned heavy and fluttered closed. The tears had stopped, so he used his other hand to wipe the remnants away.

The movement allowed him to admire her porcelain features. Even in pain, he recognized her beauty. Leaning over her, he placed a soft kiss on her lips, allowing the tingling sensation to rush through his body. Meredith's eyes opened slightly, just enough to make out his features before closing again. "Don't leave, Derek." She told him, in the bossy way that he couldn't get enough of.

"I won't. I promise."

"Just stay right here." She mumbled, her voice showing no trace of the anguish it had held only moments before.

"I'll be right here." He reassured, and took her small hand in his. She squeezed it softly, and then let out a content sigh as she floated back into her medication induced dreams. Despite the horrors of the day, with her hand in his, Derek was able to find his own peaceful sleep.