Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 59

Meredith awoke to a pair of soft lips nibbling at her earlobe. She moaned unconsciously and the lips traveled lower to graze her neck, planting tiny kisses every few centimeters. Her eyes drifted shut, sinking deeper into her hospital stay induced haze. The sensations the lips were creating were sending shivers up her spine, but she couldn't pull herself out of the groggy land that was just between waking and sleeping.

Suddenly the soft lips were replaced with sharp teeth that bit down on her earlobe. Her eyes popped open in a flash and her groggy eyes met a pair of husky blue ones. Trying to move in confusion, she found she was stuck under Ava. Before she could clear her head the lips started their assault on her neck again and she tried to lean out of the way. Finally, the hazy confusion disappeared completely and she was able to focus on the body leaning over her.

With the hand that wasn't currently asleep, she pushed the warm body off of her. "Derek!" She argued in an agitated tone.

"Hmm...Meredith." He hummed letting the words roll off the back of his throat and tried to lean in again. Opening her eyes fully she looked up at Derek, and then down to the child sound asleep at her side. With her hand she wiped the wet saliva off her neck and glared at the man inching his way closer.

"If you want to keep your manhood intact I suggest you don't come any closer..." She warned and wiped the saliva off her wet neck in disgust.

"Oh, is that a threat Dr. Shepherd?" He whispered, and leaned in anyway to nip at her lips.

Meredith pursed her lips shut in response and shook her head to ward him off. "Derek!!"

"Ok, ok..." He surrendered, but not before using his tongue to lick the outside of her ear.

"Are you kidding me?" She questioned in complete astonishment and she saw him glance at Ava's sleeping form before replying, "You know, there was a time you enjoyed being woken up that way..."

"There was a time you weren't a complete idiot!" She told him in a hushed tone. He just smiled at her in amusement and sat back down in the chair beside her.

"I must be loosing my touch..."

"Seriously Derek? What were you thinking kissing me like that with Ava right here?"

"I was thinking of those cute little moans you were making in your sleep...you must have been having a damn good dream..." The wicked grin wouldn't leave his face even after she sent him a glare and she threw out an antagonizing reply, knowing the reaction it would get.

"It was a good dream. In fact, Mark was doing those same things to me in the dream...only he didn't have clothes on." Like she expected, his grin fell immediately and she smirked in triumph.

"Mark huh? That wasn't nice." He nearly pouted and she smiled even wider.

"Well, you deserved it. Ava is right here Derek!" Clearing his throat he pretended to be deep in thought.

"Hmmm...I don't remember that being a problem that night in the hallway...in fact...you didn't seem to care at all when you practically threw me against the wall to..." She interrupted him before he could even get the rest out.

"Don't even say it Derek!" She replied, pointing a finger in his face.

"Mer..."

"Don't 'Mer' me!" He was trying his best not to laugh at how serious she was being, while trying not to disturb the girl at her side.

"Meredith, she's dead out...she wouldn't even notice the kissing..."

"Oh no, I know all your moves Derek Shepherd. It'll start with kissing...and then it'll be petting...and rubbing...and before you know it we're giving our own sex education lesson to our 4 year old."

"Sex? Who said anything about sex? It seems like you're the one wanting the sex...having dreams and all." He teased back knowing full well he had been intentionally kissing all her favorite spots.

"I already told you the dreams weren't about you..." She sent in a confident tone, though there was amusement in her eyes.

"Uh huh...I'd believe you if you weren't such a bad liar."

"You're not getting sex for a really long time...you realize that right?" All joking aside, the realization dawned on her that being on long term bed rest was going to leave her with a very unfulfilled husband. His face softened, noticing the worry lines appearing on her brow.

"I kind of figured that, I'm not 17 I think I can handle it." He teased, but it didn't change her worried expression. "What is it?" She didn't reply, and avoided his gaze, telling him her thoughts had taken a detour somewhere along the way. "Hey, talk to me." He urged, running his palm softly across her face.

With a sigh she finally focused her eyes on his. "It's silly, forget it." She told him, but he wasn't buying it and ran his thumb over her bottom lip. "Obviously it's something." He insisted in a voice that told her he wasn't going to give up. With a sigh she finally gave in, averting her gaze once again so she wouldn't have to look at him.

"Who knows how long I'll be in here...and even after the babies are born...it's just...." She trailed off still not comfortable telling him and he took her hand in his to reassure her. He really had no idea what was going through her head, but he was listening patiently, waiting for her to tell him on her own time. "I don't really think sex will be an option for awhile..."

He hadn't really thought about it, sex was actually the least of his worries. "Meredith, I promise you, sex will be the last thing on my mind...I wasn't trying to seduce you...I just...wanted to kiss you."

"You say that now, but what happens two months from now when you're sexually frustrated?" He wasn't sure what she was insinuating, and he arched an eyebrow in her direction.
"Sex is amazing...I like the sex...but I can go without it for two months...we've gone longer than that..."

"Not recently." She argued and he knew she was right, but he still wasn't sure what she was so worried about.

"Usually you're the one who can't handle it..." He teased, but once again she didn't crack a smile.

"I'm serious Derek."

With a sigh he scooted his chair closer. "Meredith, I don't really understand. You have nothing to worry about...I'll be fine. We'll have the babies, and Ava...and lots of things to distract us."

"That's what worries me, what's going to catch your eye while we're sexless." She said it with determination, but kept her gaze down at her daughter. Suddenly the conversation took a complete turn as he realized she was insinuating he'd go elsewhere. He had no idea where it had come from and he took his hand from hers to run his fingers through his hair.

"You think I'd cheat on you?" He hissed in disbelief, keeping his voice low as he watched Ava stir and then settle back into sleep. Letting out a puff of air she tried to hide the ashamed look on her face. She didn't honestly think he'd cheat...but the fear of the unknown weren't letting rational thought take over.

"Where is this coming from? I've never...I would never...Meredith seriously?" He was shaken up by her comment and frustration began to set in.

"Never mind...I told you it was silly..."

"Silly? Where would I find the time to go anywhere else? Not to mention the thought would never cross my mind..."

"I'm sorry, just forget it." She told him in a dejected tone and he took a deep breath trying to steady his breathing. The thoughts weaving their way through his brain were dangerous.
She had reasons not to trust him in certain areas. He could handle that...he could even learn to live with himself for it. But, not trusting him to stay faithful was a whole other issue all together. To the best of his knowledge there had never been doubts in her mind before about his fidelity.

She looked so fragile laying in the bed, it hurt him to see her that way. He had to consciously push her accusation aside so he could get to the bottom of it. He knew it would be impossible if they started to fight. Changing his posture all together he sat up and used his hand to cup her chin, forcibly turning her head to him in the process.

Her eyes were swimming with uncertainty as he said, "Can you explain this to me? I'm not really getting it. I'm not going to cheat on you Meredith." She tried to keep avoiding his gaze but his eyes penetrated hers making it almost impossible.

"I'm not saying you would."

"Then what are you saying?" He smiled, trying his best not to start an argument.

"I just...I'm here all fat and hideous and stuck in this bed. It could be weeks...or months...then once they're born I'm going to be miserable and in pain and probably not want sex anytime in the near future...you'll be...."

"Taking a lot of cold showers." He joked, but then tilted his head to flash her a smile. "Is this a Meredith worry? Or a hormone induced worry? Because if I recall...there was no sex after Ava for...well...a long time and you never questioned it before. In fact I think your words were something like...'there will be no sex ever again' during your labor with Ava."

"I was in labor for 12 hours Derek." She defended trying not to smile at his smirk.

"That's true...I remember..my hand remembers, I think I still have a bruise.."

"You're a baby. I think my vagina is still bruised." She snapped at him causing him to smile even more.

"It's not, I've checked." She glared at him, but it could only last a second before her own smile appeared.

"In all seriousness Meredith, the sex...well...I love the sex...but it's not going to be a problem. I have a feeling we'll both be too tired for sex anyway." She looked at him, not really believing, but shook her head in an agreeing nod. "You don't believe me?"

With a sigh she ran began to run her fingers through Ava's hair, but Derek stilled her movements by taking her small hand in his. "We could not have sex for the rest of our lives...and I wouldn't go elsewhere."

"The rest of our lives?"

"Yes. I'm not married to you for the sex. This is us, our future, we're here building the family we wanted and if it takes away from our sex life...then so be it. I'll be happy with you no matter what." She wanted to believe him, believing him would make things so much easier. But the doubts just wouldn't leave. Being a patient in the hospital was slowly leaving her mind void of all rational thoughts.

"What if you're not?" She asked softly, and he squeezed her hand before replying, trying to let her know he was interested in what she was saying and not frustrated.

"What if I'm not happy?" Her silent nod sent tingles of emotion running straight through him. "I'm happy with you Meredith. I love you. You and Ava and our babies...you're everything. I'd be nothing without you." Though his words were poignant, he still swore he saw flashes of doubt in her eyes and he kept talking, trying to reassure her. "I know I wasn't around. I wasn't around and I should have been...I won't make that mistake again. I'm in this forever, and sex or no sex, I'm not going anywhere."

Her glassy green eyes were lost in his for what seemed like hours. Her eyes were reading his emotions, getting an idea of what was really going on in his head. Instead of annoyance and flattery, all she saw were glimmers of love, deep intense love that reflected in a little twinkle each time the light caught his eyes. "I'm sorry...I'm just a mess of emotions." He shook his head, letting her know there was no explanation necessary.

She was doing so well from the blow they had been dealt. She wasn't avoiding or severely depressed. It gave him hope, knowing that she wasn't going to completely shut down on him. "Don't apologize. It's my fault for ever putting the doubt in your mind...but you need to know that'd I'd never cheat on you." He said it with such emotion that her eyes teared up just listening to him.

"I know." Using his other hand to wipe a stray tear off her cheek he took the time to gaze at her lovingly. They sat there in silence, each dealing with their own internal worries and fears, but relishing in the fact that together...everything felt right.

"Derek?" She asked, breaking the silence.

"Hmmm?"

"Mark said..."

"Oh god...no good question ever starts with 'Mark said.'" He interrupted in a teasing manner. She rolled her eyes and continued anyway.

"He said you most likely check out asses all day long."

"Mark's an idiot. You actually listened to him?"

"I told him you didn't...and he said you used to in college...I mean...it's ok if you do...I can't stop you...him and Addison have this 'look but don't touch' policy...and I mean...I'm wondering if...well..."

"You're starting to ramble Mer...." He smirked in amusement. He loved the way 'Mer' just rolled of his tongue. She hadn't noticed he said it or she probably would have hit him for his recent pet name obsession.

"Well, I just....I don't want to have that same policy."

"You don't want me to look?" He knew what she meant, but it was much more fun to hear her say it out loud. She had never been overly jealous, or possessive...he was hoping it was a hormonal thing and not a lack of trust issue. Whatever the reason, he couldn't help but feel extremely turned on by it. It was definitely a side of her he could get used to seeing.

"No...I really don't. Do you want to look!?"

"No!" He laughed at her assuming the worst out of him. "I have no interest in any ass unless it is yours. I'm not a horny teenager like Mark, I don't feel the need to check out the staff all day long. Besides, I have you, what do I need to even be looking for?"

"That's a good answer Derek." She smiled and titled her head so she could be even closer to him. Without second thought he kicked off his shoes and moved to join her in bed. "Derek, this is a really small bed for 3..." She whined as he climbed up and tried to shuffle her and Ava over.

"Oh please, it'll be fine." He couldn't really hold Meredith, since she was laying flat on her back with Ava to her left, but he moved as close as he could and attempted to curl into her side like Ava. "I just need to hold you for awhile." He told her, and she gave in, knowing deep down that it's all she wanted as well.

"You know, you saw Mark naked, so that means I get one free look of anyone I want right?" He whispered into her ear, teasing her with his words and then his tongue as it grazed her earlobe. Her giggle made his eyes light up and she had to put her hand over her mouth to prevent waking the girl at her side.

"Oh and who would you look at?"

"I'm pretty sure I'll use my free look to get a peak at you next time you're in the shower." Her snort told him she was about to start laughing again.

"I usually shower right after lunch...around 1ish." She suddenly told him rather seriously.

"Hmm...well it just so happens I may not have a surgery tomorrow...around 1ish..."

"It's a date then."

"It is." He agreed and shifted his legs so he could lay them over top of hers. "You want to know something?" The comfort of the room was making them both groggy and he could tell her eyes were drifting shut as each minute passed. "I don't even think about other women. I know they exist, I know they probably flirt with me like crazy...but...it's like I have blinders on. You consume my thoughts...it's kind of scary actually. I don't need anyone else but you, I don't want anyone else but you and that's how it's going to stay." He felt her sigh at the truth in his words.

"Me either." She whispered back and it wasn't long before he heard her breaths even out. In the quiet room, while the rest of the hospital bustled around them, they were secluded and completely comfortable in their make shift home.