Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 57

"Daddy, can we get lots of gooey cheese on the pizza?" Ava asked, while batting her long eyelashes at Derek from across the table.

"It already has cheese on it." He reminded her.

"I want more...lots more." Watching his own blue eyes mirrored in his daughter's he couldn't help but nod his head in agreement. The room around him bustled with screaming hyper kids refusing to eat their dinner. The chaos made it hard for him to concentrate on the important information he needed to tell his daughter. Derek wiped the sticky red and white checkered table cloth with a napkin trying not to make a disgusted face as Ava colored oblivious to the world around her.

Pizza Hut was the last place he wanted to take his daughter for dinner, but she had gone with Molly and Laura and now, like her mother, had a strange fascination with all things bad for you. Knowing he had to break the news about Meredith staying in the hospital, he had reluctantly given in. A pang of nervousness shot through him and he tried not to let negative thoughts overtake him.

She looked so happy and content with the world, he didn't want to worry her, he didn't want her to wonder if her mother would ever come home. He was sure if he didn't act worried, she wouldn't either...but the worries were constantly on his mind...and he wasn't sure he could even pretend otherwise. Besides his idiotic behavior in the past year, her life had been worry free. He didn't want to let her know the horrors of the world yet. She shouldn't have to know that the world wasn't always perfect at the age of 4.

Figuring out how to tell Ava was bothering him as well. How do you tell a young child their mother won't be home for awhile without creating mass hysteria? He certainly didn't know. No one he asked knew including Meredith....or the ever popular google search engine. He was screwed, he was sure of it. If google didn't even have answers how could he come up with the right one.

Things had gone ok so far. Ava had spent the night at Cristina's. She was used to Derek dropping her off at school and sometimes picking her up. Nothing was ever routine in regards to who would be home with her on what night, so she didn't question going to her aunts, nor did she wonder why Meredith wasn't joining them for dinner. Being surgeons and parents wasn't always the easiest, but they made it work and Ava never seemed adversely affected by their strange hours.

Ava's night away had given him and Meredith ample time to figure out how to tell Ava. Meredith suggested sugarcoating around it until he brought Ava to actually see for herself. He thought that might work, until his daughter had wrapped her tiny arms around him lovingly and whispered "I love you daddy" into his ear. That was his undoing. He couldn't stomach lying to her. Even sugarcoating the facts was too much for him to handle. He didn't want to see her innocent face hurt in any way, and he decided right then and there he was going to explain it to her at dinner. Explaining would work...along with some wooing...which is where Pizza Hut came in.

Yes, Derek Shepherd had a plan. He would woo his daughter with pizza...and then explain it to her...she would understand, she was smart for her age, and if she didn't....well...then there would be more wooing...talking...but definitely wooing.

"Daddy...she's here." Ava told him sternly and he was shaken from his thoughts to see his daughter looking at him concerned. She was giving him a typical Meredith look. Her slightly annoyed but more worried squint of the eyes and it amused him to no end. Realizing the waitress was there he followed his daughter's gaze to the young woman and tried to smile as he gave his order. Her strong perfume overwhelmed his senses, almost making him cough as his lungs constricted.

"You have such a cute daughter." The woman nearly purred and twirled a strand of her poorly dyed blond hair. Any other time he would have noticed the woman's flirting, but his mind was elsewhere and he gave her a friendly smile. He was always friendly, probably a little too friendly to women. He wasn't the type to flirt, but at times his niceness could be taken the wrong way. Luckily, Meredith had never questioned him about it. She'd tease, and he'd reassure her just in case, but she never seemed bothered by it, making him realize what a unique woman she really was. It was almost like she had undying faith in him. Though she had lost trust in him over so many things, she had never once during his time away from home accused or even thought he would cheat, and that meant a lot to him.

"What's her name?"

"Ava" He replied, with pride and smiled at his daughter as she went back to her coloring.

"It must be so hard being a single dad, I don't know how you do it." He was caught momentarily off guard by the comment and then chuckled in response.

"Oh no...no I'm married. My wife is just..."

"At work!" Ava chimed in. "She cuts people then sews em up like this.." Ava made a stitching motion with her purple crayon and Derek made a mental note not to let her spend too much time with Cristina. The woman standing before them looked slightly appalled and then disappointed at the prospect of a wife. She left without further commenting, leaving Derek to wonder how exactly his daughter acted like such a magnet. He was sure, that if Mark knew how women flocked over kids he would have invested in one a long time ago.

The internal battle over what to say began to rage in his mind as he sat watching her color. He was going to wait until after she ate, but the anxiousness was eating away at him one thought at a time. Finally taking a deep breath he placed his hand over hers stopping her from coloring. She frowned at him in reply and tried to pull her hand out from under his, but he stayed firm.

"Ava, I need to talk to you."

"Is that lady your new girlfriend?" He looked at her in confusion and then realized she was talking about the waitress.

"My new...no, Ava. I'm married to mommy. Daddies and mommies that are married don't have girlfriends." He didn't really get where her question came from, but realized he need to set the record straight before it got repeated.

"Andrew's daddy has a new girlfriend. His mommy called him a ass..."

"Ava!" He interrupted covering her mouth abruptly before she could even get the rest out. Glancing at the tables around him he checked to make sure it had gone unnoticed. Her eyes reflected nothing but fear and he instantly softened his tone. "We can't say that word ok? It's not a nice word at all." She nodded shyly, still afraid she was getting in trouble.

"You mad daddy?" She asked in a small voice that till the day he died would break his heart.

"No, you just can't say that word. And, maybe Andrew's daddy does have a girlfriend...but I don't. Unless mommy can be my girlfriend." He joked and grinned as her eyes lit up.

"Mommy can be! Then you can get flowers, and candy...and kiss.." He had to laugh at how adult she sounded. She had really started pronouncing words well. Gone was the baby speech and slight lisp. He missed it, but at the same time found it exciting that they could now have real conversations.

"I bet mommy would like that." He let her go back to coloring. Forgetting all about what he was supposed to be telling her. He had gotten distracted and he needed to find a way back onto the topic. Though she sounded older when she talked, she definitely was still a preschooler and her attention span wasn't able to stay on one topic for long.

"And you can do loooovvveee things." His smile faltered at her knack for never forgetting anything. Love things would haunt him forever, luckily she had no concept of what those things actually were. That would be the next battle he was sure. They had yet to discuss where the twins came from...and he wanted to keep it that way for awhile.

"Yes...well we can tell mommy that later. We're going to go visit her."

"At work!?" She gasped in the dramatic way only children could. Letting out a sigh he avoided her gaze as he thought about what to say. There was no easy way around it. She was going to know something wasn't right as soon as she saw Meredith in a hospital bed as a patient. Her eyes were sparkling with excitement. Visiting them at work was usually a special occasion. He didn't want that sparkle to fade, but he saw no other way around it.

"Well...no. Honey, you know how mommy has two babies in her belly?" Ava just stared at him, looking at him as if to say 'Duh, tell me something I don't know.' But, at least she was listening. He almost lost his nerve, but kept going knowing he had to get it over with. "Well, they are in her belly so they can grow."

"Yea, them lives in there." She agreed with a gentle shake of her head. "They sleep and eat and Aunt Addie says they play."

"Yes...well they need to stay in there longer to eat and sleep and play..." He sounded ridiculous saying it, but he was glad Addison had clued her in on at least half of the babies existence. He really did have a great group of friends that acted as resident parents whenever they could. It was something special, not everyone could say their ex-wife helped raise their daughter.

"Then they are born." She told him seriously, and he wondered just how much Addison had told her.

"Yes, but before they are born they have to get big and strong...in mommy's belly...so mommy has to stay in the hospital for awhile to make sure the babies can grow." He watched his daughter, waiting for her response expectantly. She seemed to be thinking it over, and he wondered if she understood. When she still didn't say anything he added, "Mommy isn't going come home for awhile...she's going to live at the hospital until the babies are born." Her eyes filled with sudden worry and he sighed realizing he had been too forward.

"Forever and ever?" Her devastated reply shook him.

"No." He soothed. "Just for a little, until the babies come. So I'm going to tuck you in every night and get you ready for school in the morning." Tears were making there way to her blue eyes and he stroked the side of her cheek with his hand in comfort.

"But...I'll miss her." Her tiny voice trembled and it sent stabbing pains through his heart.

"I'll miss her too. But every day after school we'll go visit her. We can have dinner with her, and she can kiss you goodnight." His attempt at sounding optimistic fell flat when the tears finally spilled down Ava's rosy cheeks.

"But...she's my mommy."

"I know. As soon as the babies come she will come home with us. I promise."

"What if she gets sad? She'll miss me very much." He had to laugh at her view of the world. Meredith was sad, and she would miss Ava, but he wasn't sure how much he should admit to the girl. He didn't want to scare her.

"Mommy will miss you very, very much, so that's why we're going to visit her every day. That will make her happy." Ava's spirit seemed to have been lifted by his idea.

"Can we bring her pizza?"

"Um...sure we can." She'd like that, he knew, and it humored him that she knew her mother well enough to know food would cheer her up. "And...ice cream?" Ava wondered, hoping to get some for herself.

"You know, I bet we can get some after dinner and bring it to her tonight. Would that be fun?" She shot him a toothy grin and he knew he had won her over, at least for that night.

"Maybe mommy needs toys too." The pizza came as she was talking, but she didn't even look at it as she continued to list things Meredith would need. "I'll bring my crayons and dolls...and maybe I should give mommy Casey.." The idea that his daughter would give up her favorite stuffed Unicorn warmed his heart.

"I think that would be perfect. Won't you miss Casey?" He questioned, making sure it was really what she wanted to do.

"No, mommy needs her. Casey makes me feel better." The certainty in her eyes was unmistakable and he wished that as an adult he could have such certainty. He wished a toy would comfort him into thinking everything would work out. Above all else, a part of him hoped that the toy could bring some peace to Meredith, even if it was just the simple scent from their daughter.

Derek placed pizza on her plate and watched her inhale it not even caring that it was hot. He hadn't even touched his own. He was lost in his thought once again wondering just how things would work out. Her calm voice brought him out of his thoughts for the second time that day.

"She'll be ok daddy. I know." She assured with an innocent smile as if she knew something he didn't. He couldn't suppress his own smile, and finally dug into his pizza, momentarily forgetting it was one of his least favorite foods.