Is Forever Enough?

Chapter 98

"Are you sure you're alright, Meredith?" Derek asked the next afternoon. Meredith had been acting strange all day. She wasn't ignoring him, but there was a coldness in her voice that he couldn't quite place.

As promised, Addison had taken Ava shopping, so Meredith and Derek had used the time to catch up on household chores.

Nothing he did seemed right and Meredith had snapped at him the entire day. He had tried to think of something he could have done to make her angry, but his mind kept coming up blank. Each time he asked her about it, she denied that anything was wrong at all. It had quickly started to drive him crazy.

"I'm fine, Derek, I just don't feel like having the nanny discussion today." Meredith told him in the same cold tone she had used all day.

Rocking a cranky Ella in his arms, he watched as Meredith haphazardly folded Ava's clothes. The laundry had been piling up. Neither of them had anticipated how much more laundry two infants would add to the mix.

"I know you don't feel like talking about it, but we really have to."

"Why Derek? Why do we have to figure it out today? I have four weeks until I go back to work."

"Yes...but I'd like us to have someone lined up soon. That way, they can help us out while we are home and we can get to know them."

Meredith wouldn't look at him. It was really starting to bother him because he had no idea what he had done. Ava ran into the nursery and it kept him from asking Meredith again.

"Daddy! I forgot to show you what Aunt Addison got me!" Glancing at his wife, he sighed and let the subject drop while Ava was in the room.

"I thought Aunt Addison wasn't going to buy you anything?" He teased, knowing that would never happen.

"She said it was our secret!"

"I bet she did." Ella began to whimper in his arms and he moved her to his chest and focused on what Ava was holding up.

"They're ballet shows...and they're sparkly!"

"Ohhh...Aunt Addie bought you shoes...what a surprise." He looked towards Meredith to share in his joke but, she simply rolled her eyes.

"Do you like them, mommy? I picked them out! Aunt Addison said they are big girl shoes."

"I do love them." Meredith replied with the most excitement she had used all day. Derek's face fell as he realized she was clearly upset with him...and not life in general.

Putting Ava's folded clothes into the laundry basket, Meredith smiled at her daughter. "They will match the pink dress Santa gave you for Christmas." Ava beamed, knowing exactly which outfit Meredith was talking about.

"I'm gonna put them on right now!" Ava plopped down on the floor and kicked off her boots. "These are so pretty and they fit me! They're not for babies!"

"No, they're not." Derek agreed, still hoping Meredith would look at him. Ella quieted against his chest and he was thankful, because she had been miserable all day.

"Daddy, put her down so we can play." Turning around, Derek stared at his daughter who was standing with her hands on her hips. Her sparkly shoes were hitting the light at every angle, creating different glimmers of light all over the room. Ella lifted her head, struggling to see each reflection, but her neck muscles weren't strong enough to keep her head up.

Caroline began to whimper from her crib and Derek didn't have time to even glance at her before Meredith had scooped her up.

"I can't put her down, princess, she's very cranky today." Ava stared back and fourth between her parents before sticking out her bottom lip.

"You said we could play hide and seek when I got home." Looking at Meredith, he sighed when she just shrugged her shoulders at him.

Meredith must have been able to see the frustration on his face, because she suddenly spoke up before Derek could respond. "Daddy can't put Ella down right now, but why don't you go hide and he will come find you?" Ava was more that happy with the idea. "Okay, I have the best hiding spot ever! You'll never find me!"

"Alright." Chuckled Derek, watching her bolt out of the room.

"She is really good at the hiding thing." Meredith remarked, and he stared at her in shock. It was the first time she had spoken to him with a normal inflection to her voice all day.

"She gets it from her mother." Joked Derek and he was rewarded with a smile. But, just as soon as it started, the smile had vanished. A tinge of sadness crept into her eyes like she had suddenly remembered what was bothering her.

Tilting his head in concern, he decided to ask one more time. She was clearly hiding something, and he wasn't going to feel at ease until he knew what it was.

Breaking their gaze, Meredith sat down in the rocking chair. Caroline was facing Derek and leaning against Meredith's chest.

"Nothing is wrong. Can you stop asking now? I'm just not in the mood to discuss nannies."

"Its not just the nanny thing. You've been acting like you're mad at me all day. Did I do something? Did I forget something?" Meredith didn't respond at first and he started making circles around the room. His mind was trying to come up with something he had done, but once again, he couldn't come up with anything.

Meredith opened her mouth to speak, but then thought better of it and closed it. A few minutes later she spoke, "I'm just still not sold on the nanny thing. I think we should look into daycare like we did with Ava." Stopping his movements, Derek realized she was changing the subject, but he let her do it. If she was finally willing to have a civil conversation with him, he wasn't about to ruin it.

"I've thought about daycare and I just don't see how it will work. Ava's going to start at her new school in the fall, which means we'll be taking them to different places. We have enough trouble picking up and dropping off Ava as it is."

"I know, but I am just not fully comfortable with having a complete stranger in our house and with the girls all day. That's a lot of trust to put in someone." Ella started to cry again, and Derek changed positions and turned her so that she was facing Meredith and Caroline. There was a big distance between them, he was pretty sure the babies' eye sight wasn't clear enough to see that far yet, so he stepped closer.

"That's why I want to start now. We can take our time interviewing, and whoever we decide on can come help us during the day until we go back to work." Meredith was thinking about it, he could tell, but something was still keeping her from agreeing.

"Well, we still have awhile to talk about it."

"I go back to work in three weeks, Meredith, that's going to fly by." He tried hard to keep his tone light, but her behavior was really starting to frustrate him. "I bet you're just counting down the days too." She mumbled, but he had heard her loud and clear.

"What the hell does that mean?" He asked in exasperation. "Are you going to tell me what I did to make you so mad? Because, you know damn well I want to be here." Derek was tired, and annoyed, and didn't feel bad about the anger in his tone. She wasn't making any sense. She hadn't been moody like that since she was pregnant, and he knew for sure she wasn't pregnant.

"Nothing, just forget it." Meredith had spent the night reeling in the sad thought that Derek no longer desired her. Those thoughts combined with lack of sleep, had turned to anger, but she was too humiliated to explain. What if she brought it up and he admitted he wasn't physically attracted to her anymore? What would she do? Where would that put them?

The rational side of her brain told her it was unlikely, but the low self-esteem part told her it may be true. "Forget it?" He snapped. "You want me to just pretend like you're not mad at me?" Meredith wouldn't look at him, instead, she stared down at the baby in her lap. Several minutes went by, and the pair was plunged into an awkward silence.

Realizing she wasn't going to say anymore, he shook his head in disbelief. Ella arched her back and her tiny body went rigid in his arms. His frustration was making the baby uncomfortable. "Fine." Derek mumbled, and turned away from her. He wanted to walk out of the room, he wanted to walk away in anger, but they didn't do that anymore, so...he stayed in the nursery.

Several more minutes went by in silence. The only noises were the impatient whines Ella was letting out. Suddenly, a thought dawned on him and he turned back towards his wife. "Shit." He spat, bouncing Ella. Meredith didn't reply, but stared at him in confusion. "I forgot to find Ava."

"Oh..." Meredith had forgotten as well.

"Do you think she'll just give up and come out?" He asked, looking around the room and trying to think of what to do.

"No, she'll stay hidden until you find her."

"Shit." He groaned again as Ella began to whimper more loudly. "Can you just...take her?" He asked, hurriedly placing the baby in Meredith's arms before she could even reply.

"Yeah, sure." She mumbled. He didn't look even at her before he left the room. Meredith let out a sigh once she was sure his form had disappeared out into the hallway. Caroline made a gasping noise and reached for Ella's arm. With her tiny fist, she held onto her sisters arm for dear life. Meredith wondered if the girls were clinging to each other due to the tension that had been present in the room.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, kissing each of them on their downy brown haired heads. "Daddy's mad now." She explained, pretending like the girls could understand. "But, he's not mad at you...he loves you so much." Taking in a whiff of their baby scent, Meredith shook her head. She hadn't meant to start a fight with Derek...or...maybe she had, but at least it wasn't intentional. She wasn't sure what she had been trying to do, but, she had been mad, and upset, and knew she'd have to talk to Derek about it eventually.

Meredith could hear her husband downstairs opening doors and calling out for Ava. Before she knew it, the house was silent. Minutes passed before she even knew it, and the next thing she heard, was Derek calling out to her.

"Meredith!" Something was wrong, she could tell by the way he called out her name. There was a sense of urgency to his tone that made her heart beat faster.

"Yeah?" She asked, and tried to get up out of the rocking chair. It was hard to get good leverage with both babies in her arms and she gave up in a huff.

"I can't find her." Derek breathed, appearing out of nowhere. He had run up the steps, and was struggling to catch his breath. "I've looked everywhere." If Derek's face wasn't broken out into lines of worry, Meredith would have laughed.

"Did you check all her usual spots?"

"I checked everywhere."

"Even under your desk in the office?"

"Yes."

"And...the little cubby in the mud room?" Derek just shook his head at her words.

"Yes, I've checked the entire house...I have no idea where she could be." If Meredith had been alone, she wouldn't have worried. Ava was the master of hide and seek. The girl seemed to find every nook and cranny of their house. But, Derek seemed more than concerened, and that alone made her worry.

Any tension or uneasiness that had been between them earlier had vanished over their shared concern for their daughter's safety. Feeling the fear begin to kick in, Meredith said, "Sometimes she likes to hide under our bed...or in the back of my closet..." She told him, and he left the room to continue searching without saying anything.

Meredith wanted to help, she needed to help. Rationally she knew Ava had to be in the house somewhere...but, she couldn't shake the sinking feeling that was slowly creeping into her stomach. She didn't know what to do with the babies in her arms. It was important that someone stayed close enough to be able to hear the apnea monitors if they went off.

"Did you find her?" Meredith called out after she had finally managed to get up and out of the chair. The bigger the babies got, the harder it was to hold both of them at once, so she shifted them in her arms to make them more comfortable.

"No." Derek replied, his form appearing in the doorway once again. "Where could she be?" He was growing more desperate and concerned.

"I don't know, but I'll help you." Meredith told him, trying to remain calm, even though she was anything but. "Take Caroline with you, I can't look and hold both of them." Meeting her in the center of the room, Derek gently lifted the smaller of the two babies out of Meredith arms.

"I'll put her in the swing while I search downstairs again...maybe I missed something." He didn't wait for her to respond again, instead he left Meredith to wonder where their daughter could be.

"Ava, come out. You win. Mommy and Daddy can't find you!" Meredith called as she walked out into the hallway.

Listening for any sign of the girl, she frowned when all she heard was Derek downstairs. After checking every possible hiding spot upstairs, Meredith began to really worry. Ella was unhappy in her arms. The baby was getting hungry, but Meredith realized...Ella would have to wait.

"Did you find her?" Meredith asked in concern as she carefully made her way down the steps. She didn't have to wait for a reply because Derek walked into the foyer seconds later with Ava in his arms. "You found her...where was she?" She asked, this time in relief.

"The garage." Derek replied unhappily. He narrowed his eyes at Ava, but the girl just narrowed them right back.

"I was the best hider ever, mommy! Daddy couldn't even find me!"

"The garage?" Meredith scrunched up her nose. "Ava, what were you doing in the garage?"

"Hiding!"

"We hide in the house." Derek told her sternly. He had only gone to the garage to get a flashlight. He wouldn't never have thought to check there otherwise, and that thought made him nervous.

"I was in the house." Ava argued, not understanding what the problem was.

"But the garage is dangerous." Derek glanced towards Meredith for help.

"And...it's cold." Meredith added in, understanding his look. "What if we hadn't have been able to find you? That would be so sad." Ava frowned at her words.

"It would be sad, so no more garage. You hide in the house from now on." Derek told her, refusing to give in to the pouty look Ava was giving him. Ella had finally had enough of waiting, and her whimpering turned into full blown cries. Her face was bright red and her fists were clinched in rage.

"What's wrong with her?" Ava asked with wide eyes.

"She's hungry again." Sighed Meredith. "Caroline will be too I'm sure." She said, not meaning for it to come out so annoyed. Meredith was tired, and cranky...and sad...and seemed to have finally reached her limit for the day. She realized in that moment, that she...no, they, needed help. They were both far too exhausted and overwhelmed to continue doing it alone.

"I'll get their bottles." Derek told her softly. All feelings of anger towards his wife had vanished at seeing her so run down. He went to go into the kitchen, but only made it halfway before Meredith called out to him.

"Derek?" There was something desperate in her tone of voice that he didn't recognize. It made him stop and turn around.

"Yeah?" He asked, with furrowed brows. Sighing, Meredith swallowed her pride and said in a low voice, "Find the best nanny agency in Seattle...and then we can start interviewing." He didn't know what to say at first, he certainly hadn't been expecting that.

Instead of gloating in his victory, he smiled softly and nodded his head. "Okay. Addison was really happy with the agency she went through, I'll call her."

"Alright." Meredith agreed, and smiled back at him. Her compliance was like a truce, and effectively put an end to the fight she had started.