Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

I'm Fine.

 That's what I'm supposed to say. No one wants to know how long the nights are. No one is going to offer a dry pillow after I've been crying all night. No one is going to say the right words because all they want is for me to move on with my life already. But here's the truth. 

 I'm not okay. I'm fine. You know... the fine that triggers any and all sadness. the fine that keeps my thoughts on repeat. The fine that comes with crippling anxiety and you're afraid to see what comes next in your future. The fine that makes you wonder about yourself, and you know what happens when you open that door. You question everything from your good intentions (that have questionable actions) to the very innocence of your heart. You start to think that maybe you deserve this downhill spiral so you learn a thing or two and toughen up. 

 The kind of fine that make you pull yourself away. The kind of fine that starts an eating disorder because your mind focuses on other things instead of basic human needs. The kind of fine that creates shaky hands and trembling voices. The kind of fine that throws off your trying sleeping schedule. The kind of fine that makes you miss a time that being fine didn't scare you because you knew you were mentally safe because you did, in fact, feel fine. The kind of fine that makes you wonder if you're even strong enough to fight to survive. The kind of fine that doesn't stop the crying but instead, starts it. I do not want to be fine. 

 I want to be able to sleep for the recommended time and feel refreshed. I don't want to wake up with sore eyes from crying. I don't want to fight with myself to get out of bed. I want to enjoy my coffee with a healthy balanced breakfast instead of taking Adderall and Zoloft with a pumpkin spice latte without any food. I want to finish my classes without closing my laptop 20 minutes in. I want to drive with good vibes music playing and I want to feel free from my inner demons. I want to smile without forcing myself because it's starting to get difficult. I want to be happy. I want to find beauty in everything including me. I want a love that isn't limited to just what meets the eye and I want to be someone who survives. I want to beat my depression. I want to be honest with my loved ones. 

 But for now? I'm fine.