Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

Mind Over Matter.

 I will admit that moving on has not been the easiest thing to do. It had so many up's and down's and, there were times I felt like I wasn't getting any better. I hear that's the biggest sign that you are progressing well. I have fixed myself just to break down many, many, many times. I have tried to seek comfort within people, things, places, anything that could take my mind off of the fact that I am a stranger to you, now. I often wonder how that feels for you because, it didn't feel real to me up until this point. In a sick way, I have to thank you. Since you have left me, I have traveled more. I have opened my heart more to friends and less to lovers. I have found peace within dating myself and I know how to be content with being alone. Like, really alone. Something I was not able to do much of, before dating you. 

 I have to wonder how this all feels for you. I am not blind or stupid, what we had was real. It was fun while it was alive and in some part of me, it'll always remain good memories. I have sent you over a hundred text messages. I have sent you a dozen voice messages. I have called you a thousand times. And, if I could, I probably would've written you a novel in letter form and sent it your way. And I guess, technically, I did write a novel about you; Well, I wrote a novel on how you made me feel; Broken. 

 I have my days, again, as stated before, where it feels like I go no where and I'm just running in place. It feels like this hole in my heart or the pit in my stomach is never filled and some days, I don't want it to be. But then, there are the days. Oh, the days where adrenaline is running through my veins and wind is blowing through my hair and it's like life has me by the hand and it's everything I've been needing it to be. 

 I often wonder how it is for you. Because, I know you felt it too and maybe you were someone who wanted to love but didn't know how to. And that's my fault for thinking I could teach someone who barely loved themselves, to love someone else. Someone like me. 

 In two months, it'll be a year since we last spoke. I hope she's good to you, but not like I was. Because, let's face it. I bring more to the table than both of you combined. I hope she's at least decent enough to love you on the days you don't need her love. 

 It's taken me all this time, but I did it. I used to think I was crazy but, I'm not. I just know what I deserve. I truly hope you are happy in this life you have chosen for yourself. I want to see you happy. I want to see you healthy. Just not with me. I don't hate you. I just don't love you anymore. 

 And to be released from those chains, is such sweet freedom.