Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

Is Anyone Listening?

 Ah. Yes. Another sleepless night. It's currently 5:18 in the morning. 

 I am thinking about my ex flings. I am thinking about any relationship I possibly want to pursue. 

 How would I do that? Why would I do that? Do I even want that? Do I need it? Do I need another person who I have to be codependent with? Do I want to suffer the boredom or confrontation about how they do something the right way? My way. The way I want it done. 

 I think the thing that turns me off is the way they expect sex to be overly involved. 

 I don't care about the illegal weapon in your pants. 

 I don't care about the illegal weapon you unattractively but enticingly strap on to your body. 

 I don't care about how you are going to use it. 

 I care about how you are going to treat me when I call you at three in the morning, crying over my ex. 

 It's not the fact that I can't get over him, because I am over him. I am over it. However, I am not over the fact that it happened. 

 What if... oh the "what if's". 

 I am sad that you will do me that way. 

 I care about how you are going to love me because I am not the one who is loved. I am liked. I am cherished. I am adored. I am enjoyable. I am fuckable. 

 I am never loved. 

 I don't care about you rearranging my guts. I do not care about you getting rough with me. I do not care about you getting to know my sweet spots and how to use them against me. 

 I care about what you are going to say when I get a bad case of daddy issues because, my father neglected me for his other family and instead of working on it with me, he throws money at me. 

 What do you say to that? 

 Someone once said "at least he's alive." Excuse me? What the fuck. 

 I don't care about your favorite color. Hold me. Cuddle me. Make me feel secure. 

 The ex's had potential but, its always coming down to sex and I cannot do it anymore. My body is not for you to get off on. 

 I like this one guy. I think about him. I often wonder if he is okay because, we all suffer. But, what can I do to ease his hard times? 

 Why do I even care? He probably has eyes on someone else because, why in the holy fuck would I be someone's everything? 

 Is there even anyone out there at this point? Is anyone even fucking listening to me? 

 It's a cry for help. I am so fucking lonely. 

 Please find me. 

 Help.