Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

Don't move. There's A Lion Next To You.

 Last night I dreamt of my death. At first, I was scared. I was able to see everyone around me gathered at the hospital. They were getting the news. I saw their pain. I was confused until I realized I was gone and there was no going back. So yes, I was terrified. I didn't stick around to see how their every day lives went on. As soon as I felt afraid, a wave of comfort came over me. A realization hit me. I was free from all burdens. I am no longer wondering how much I meant to someone or... anyone. I was no longer a small fish in this great big ocean. I was no longer sad. I was happy. Genuinely happy. 

 I haven't felt like this in what feels like a long time. To have this feeling associated with death made me question my existence. It made me wonder if I truly belong here. As selfish as it may be, I don't want to know how my death would affect others because, I know how it goes. I've sat in a room with people who lost their loved ones and the words "it doesn't matter anymore, they're gone" have been said. As if that person was never truly part of one's life. So no. I didn't think too much about people missing me when reality, they'll move on in weeks time. 

 It was like a light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel. Almost like coming up for fresh air after drowning for years. I was able to think clearly and remember more than just the nights I laid awake crying, wishing life would end. I was greeted with my brother. I got to see both of my grandmothers who I loved more than anything in the world. I got to see my first love. I saw a few childhood pets. I reunited with a few friends. I didn't want to wake up. I wanted to stay where I was. I was happy. My heart was full. Unfortunately, as perfect as it was, I had to understand that my life had barely just begun. I didn't want to walk away from the only people who ever made me happy. But I knew this wasn't the right time and I would have unfinished business. 

 As much as I didn't want to, I fought hard to walk away. I have a decent life. I had to understand that just because I was depressed and sad, and feeling all this pain right now, doesn't mean my life deserves to come to an end. It's a hard pill to swallow. So walking away from what could have been eternity, I realized what I had waiting for me. 

 I have a big brother who looks over me and has always made sure I was secure. I have a little brother who needs me because he lacks basic parental control. I have a sister who would never look at shopping and eating at this 24/7 diner we go to often, the same away ever again. I have a best friend, a few actually. And they all make sure I'm okay and still alive and I know they would be devastated to find that their hard work wasn't enough. And it is. I have a mother that needs me more than anyone else has ever needed me, so for her, I fight hard. My dad and I don't always get along. We fight 98% of the time but I can't let him lose another kid. 

 So I fight. I fight every day, for people who mean the most to me. And if you ever wondered if you saved me, you did. Because of you, I felt like my life mattered. It matters enough to fight my demons.