Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

Oh, Father.

 You don't love me. 

 You love me when I am on my best behavior. 

 You love me when I am generous with my time and effort.

 You love me when I haven't made any mistakes in awhile. 

 You love me when I don't talk back. 

 You love me when I don't argue. 

 You love me when I don't try to explain my side of things. 

 You love me when I don't have an attitude. 

 You love me when I choose a smile over crying. 

 You love me when I do as I am told. 

 You love me when I sit next to you and only speak when spoken to. 

 You love me when I apologize and don't demand one in return. 

 You love me when I complete a favor for you with no complaints. 

 You love me when I don't spill your dirty little secrets. 

 You love me when I allow you to play victim. 

 You love me when I just accept things the way they are instead of trying to make them right. 

 You love me when it works best for you. 

 You love me when it's easy. 

 You love me when you feel guilty. 

 You love me on your time. 

 But, by loving me in all of these ways, you don't love me. 

 You don't love me when I am a screaming, crying, hysterical mess. 

 You don't love me when I need space. 

 You don't love me when I try to tell you that you are approaching me the wrong way. 

 You don't love me when I need constant reassurance. 

 You don't love me when I say "no."

 You don't love me when I finally scream because I have had enough disrespect. 

 You don't love me if I can't bottle up my feelings for the sake of your life. 

 I am so tired of being loved if that's the only form of love I am destined to have. I am so tired of being here because it seems like I am nothing more than a verbal punching bag for a family that I have done everything that has been asked of me. 

 You are mad because I finally told you no and drove away. 

 I am mad because you are casting me out of your life just because you are afraid to be alone.