Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

Rebuild.

August 11, 2021. 

 I am going over old entries and I have to get this out. 

 I was so broken around this time last year, holy fuck. I just want to shake the girl I used to be and scream "It's not worth it! You're fine! Stop crying, move on!" 

 But, I get it. I get the sleepless nights. I get the battles. I get the addictions. I get it. Everything happened so fast and everything fell apart so easily. But, I made it. I made it to where I can finally breathe. I had to live with myself after the fallout. I had to mend my broken heart over and over and over again. And not just from past lovers. 

 I have lost friends. I have lost family. I have lost myself so many times and I have made a promise to myself that I will never fall that low again. And while it takes every ounce of my being to fight every day, I do it. Because who the fuck else is going to do it? 

 Who has me like I have me? No one. 

 I had to live with my choices. I have had to live with failed friendships, burned bridges, relationships, opportunities, and companionship. 

 It hasn't been easy to remain who I am. Softhearted, caring, loyal. I am tested every day because, every sign looks the same, most days. 

 Do they care? Is it love? Should this be happening? Is this a pattern or meant to be? I hate being in my head. I hate having my heart. I hate my faults. I hate the very thing people love most about me. 

 But, none of it matters. The faults, the hate, the overthinking, the tears, the hurt, the hard times because, I made it here. I have climbed the mountain that I was looking up at thinking there is no way. 

 And, it is true about what they say. The mountain really is a grain of sand, compared to what life has to offer or throw at me now. 

 I have filtered out the fake friends. I have graduated and gone up in life. I found what makes me happy. 

 Books, by the way. In case you were curious. 

 I don't see libraries going out of business soon, that's good news to me. 

 I can love again. I am actively feeling it right now. Though, it's probably a bad time but, it is what it is. 

 The point is, I did it. 

 I am not this broken, sad girl anymore. 

 I am happy to say that this book of hurt and lies and being left behind is finally over for me. Is there going to be a series? Maybe. But, that's not important right now. 

 Right now... I am enjoying the small victories. I am enjoying not crying every five minutes. I am enjoying the love I do get in return. I am enjoying my hobbies and I am taking time to savor them. 

 I changed and I don't care about who got left behind with the version of me that was easy to break. 

 My story is not over but, this one is.