Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

You Broke My Heart.

  So many things are racing through my mind, Everything from how our last kiss went to how your actions are currently affecting me. I'm distracted by little things, they remind me of you. I've deleted our pictures (you should probably try to keep count of how many times I do this.) I've deleted our songs. I'm really sad over the fact I couldn't keep any of these memories alive, much less for myself. 

 I wasn't allowed to keep our memories because, they gave me false hope. Hope that we could be that again. 

 That happy. 

 That in love. 

 I'm probably the bitch for making this about me. Those who are currently getting most of you, probably think I'm selfish. But, I have no idea what's going on. My third eye is clouded. It keeps telling me you're going to come back when the time is right but, your actions tell me to move on. So, what am I to do? 

 Out of boredom, I was going through my notes. Where I completely forgot that I have written every paragraph for you. That's how you know this was serious for me. The notes app holds every unspoken word for a person. The paragraphs are still living in my phone. And the list of 101 reasons as to why I love you. All I can think about is, maybe I should send that list again? My feelings haven't changed nor drifted, even when so many people are telling me that they should. 

 A sigh... 

 Lately, I've been passing out with cartoons playing because it reminds me of how we used to cuddle up and fall asleep to them. I've had to remove Family Guy from "My stuff" on Hulu. I've even marked it as "not interested" so it wouldn't randomly play. 

 I refuse to listen to the radio. The universe has a funny way making Kane Brown really popular lately. I can't stand his voice because, all of his songs were our songs. And Lee Brice? Forget it! 

 I didn't expect this to happen. I used to think what it would be like if you left me. I tried preparing for it and, to be honest, it never seemed realistic. You made so many promises that we would figure it out. And now I'm not able to move on because, all that's replaying in my mind is "if we stop talking, its not over. I will come back to you." Is that even still true? 

 I dread every Wednesday. I dread the weekly fight of "today would've been date night, what would we have watched? what would be decided for dinner?" It's a curse, really. Everything I do, reminds me of you. 

 I've loved, okay? I'm not some fragile little girl not getting her way and I'm not on a war path with myself over a boy. I've loved. And I have been hurt. But for some reason, it's never been like this. 

 You were my right person, wrong time, L. And despite everything, I'm still here. I'm still waiting for you. It's been barely over a month (I think) and I'm still fighting. For you. For us. For what we once had. It's destroying me but, I'd rather go through hell than to give up on what we could be. 

  *Nine months and ten days later, I can tell you that there is such a thing as "wrong person, right time." Going over the old entries I have, I'm seeing that this was a life lesson I needed. I needed to learn how to be alone.