Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

I Know What's To Come.

 I have people finding me and people who are friends of friends of people who I didn't want to find me, are coming to the surface. I know my truth will be laid bare and stripped for parts to be twisted and turned. I know my truth will be invalid and I'll be pushed to yet again create another persona for myself and start fresh. 

 I have started over four different times in the last two years. I know that I'm tired of running. I know true love cannot be possibly found on the social media app I use most. I might be stupid, but I am still full of hope. People so badly want to know what happened. I can't risk letting too many people know. What happens when it reaches certain people? My privacy, my peace of mind, and the little amount of confidence I have will be shattered. People are cruel. People enjoy seeing other people fall and break. People will call it karma to make themselves feel better about the bullying they would have done. People forget karma is a one woman team and she doesn't like messy people. 

 I've had to explain my previous relationship to so many people and I'm not explaining anymore of my feelings. Or my love. Or how deeply I can care. You don't control who you fall in love with. It happens in little moments until it's this giant emotion consuming you and you don't remember how you got there.  

 Someone told me today that it's dangerous for two sad people to be lonely together. It scared the hell out of me. Why? Because what if I fall for this person? Then what? I ruin what all he is? I let my demons attack him and then we are both left with some fake friends on each side creating rumors? I would hurt him. I would break his soul. I would be taking away his chance at being happy with someone he has no intimate history with. I'm broken. I'm in pieces and I don't want him to have cuts from putting me back together. 

 I know you're probably thinking "Really? That's it? No time to heal?" But that's just it. Thats what this person means. What if we heal together? My issues are still going to be there because they don't just disappear just because I'm happy. What even is that? But please try to understand what I'm writing. What if after all this, it's for nothing? I would only hurt myself or worse, this other person in the end. The sad truth is that he already makes me feel like its going to be okay. He makes me feel like it's safe to let those walls down, the ones I just put back up. 

 I truly want the best for this person so, unfortunately I'll shut down. I'll turn my feelings off. I'll be here from a distance. I'll support him in everything. I'll love him and our friendship no less. I'd give up something that has so much potential, just so everyone who is involved doesn't get hurt. Too many people are connected. The hard part is that we have said the worst thing you can say to someone. 

 "I love you". 

 Feelings. They're amazing, right?