Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

Naked.

 Today was a bad day. 

 No, seriously. I actually counted how many times I stopped, cried, wiped my tears, and kept going. 

 If you are curious, not that you asked, it was six times. 

 I feel fine. I'm happy for everyone else around me. I congratulate you on your happy relationships, baby news, and beautiful winter weddings. 

 But, I cannot help but envy you. I am the bad guy for that. 

 I feel like I will never be fully happy again because, everything inside of me, emotionally, is fleeting. I'm now begging the reflection in the mirror to stop being so damn hurt. Life is way too short for such sorrow to live long inside of me. Yet... it never runs out. 

 I shouldn't but, I blame my almost lover. 

 I have never experienced pain quite like this. 

 I can't let anyone in, the walls are too high, and I'm finding things that seem true and beautiful in their own way, to be a lie. 

 The usual "I love you" or "You're a blessing to us" or "You're my sister and I will always be here for you" ... All lies. And, why wouldn't they be? 

 I'm drained. I'm exhausted. Truth be told, I am tired of being completely naked and transparent for people who won't cover me up in a time of need. 

 I guess looking back, this is a rollercoaster. I hit a very low point today. 

 I am learning that it's okay. 

 My friends tell me that it's okay. 

 You would even tell me that it's okay. 

 But, I really need to get better. I really want to believe truth within "I love you" and I miss the power of a pinky promise. 

 I am so fucking sad. 

 Please hear me. 

 I am so fucking sad. 

 Stop making jokes. Stop sugarcoating my situation, my depression. 

 Help me. Pull me out of this train wreck. 

 I am so fucking sad. 

 If this makes it's way to you... 

 Come back, I need you.