Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

I tried.

 When I started writing, I had no idea what I would write about. 

 Usually, my entries are random. They're about my life and my experiences. They're also my thoughts and feelings. It's your occasional advice column. They're not in order and they are not special. Yet, I still find myself struggling to get something out every few days. 

 Something that has been on my mind lately is, what my last words would be. 

 If something happened to me, what would be my last and final words? 

 Who would be receiving my words? My love? My mother? My best friend? My brothers? Who? 

 What is something I could say to everyone that would make them celebrate my life, instead of mourning a loss? 

 Moments pass and it comes to me. 

 "I tried." 

 I tried to be the best I could be while living in the moment. 

 I tried to be the best girlfriend, sister, friend, daughter. 

 I tried meeting your standards. 

 I tried loving you the most, during hard times. 

 I tried to never leave you stranded. 

 I tried to succeed and be everything you needed me to be. 

 I tried to be the person you wanted me to be. 

 I tried. 

 I want you to think about it. What would you say? It's all fun and games to laugh it off and joke about how your demons will finally be gone but, do you ever think about who you would be leaving behind? Do you ever think about how they will remember you? 

 Death always seems so peaceful to me until I realize who I could be leaving. It's a warm place until I look at the faces who loved me most when I didn't even love myself... and just like that, death seems cold and bitter. 

 So, if I had to choose my last words, they would be "I tried." 

 I can only hope they know just how much I wanted to live up to their expectations of me.