Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

Stop Searching.

 The heart knows when the search is over. 

 I used to think that any time I settled for someone, it would be the last time. I would prepare for every new milestone with them. You know, going on the first date, meeting the parents, thinking about weddings and what color dress I would have for my bridesmaids. 

 But, I look back now. I was so blind. I was naive. I was stupid. 

 When you start approaching yourself more, you start to understand that the problem is never just you. Yeah, they make you feel crazy and psychotic but, you're a victim of abuse. 

 It's okay, though. 

 There is a beauty in knowing you were perfectly sane after they try to gaslight you and manipulate your emotions. 

 I have realized that every relationship I have been in, I had doubts. I'm realizing that I will always have doubts. What gets me, though... is that I am always right. I am never wrong, I hate that about myself. For once, I would like to be proven wrong. 

 I can feel the way people move in my life. I have trained myself to know when I will never hear from someone again. I know when they will be back. The sad part is that I let them come back into my life, even when I shouldn't. 

 I know that talking until four in the morning is a phase. I know that two minutes between texts eventually turn into two hours. And hours turn into days. Days turn into weeks. Weeks become months. Months turn that person into a distant memory. 

 I know that "maybe next time." Is code for "I don't really want to." 

 And, I am best friends with the phrase "I just need time." 

 I am a person who refuses to love anymore because, my heart has been ready to settle down so many times in the past, that is just doesn't get up for anyone, anymore. So, it's down. With me. 

 Fortunately for me though, I am not worried about some blonde girl or stalking my ex in his neighborhood. No one left me for prettier or skinner girls. Knowing this is where I found my seed of healing. 

 My heart knew. I needed the series of boys who have self improvement issues and cannot grow the fuck up to save their lives. Knowing this, I will flourish. But, for now, the search is over. It's about me this time. Someone who is willing to put me above all else will see that and show me the spot where they want me in their life. 

 So, my advice, stop searching. Let the dumbass come and find you. Don't let anyone waste anymore of your time. You're going to want all of it in it's glory to give to someone who will actually appreciate it.