Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

I Don't Believe You.

 I used to think my issues with relationships were because of my ex. I blamed everything on my ex's. 

 I thought it was my choice in people. I thought it was my choice in men. I thought I had a taste for the toxicity and the abuse. I thought it was normal. 

 I thought it was okay to be yelled at 24/7. I thought it was okay to be a verbal punching bag. I thought it was okay for someone to gaslight me. I even thought it was okay for someone to lie to me multiple times, even about their identity. 

 I have dated very sour men. I have talked to men with very high, very sensitive egos. 

 And I thought, for the longest time, it was me. 

 I thought I was an issue for all these men. 

 I thought it was the way I cared. I care too much, often. I care because I want someone to care for me in ways I have never felt. 

 I love deeply and dive too quickly because, I am eager for someone to know that I love them. Even if the situation is dangerous. 

 I know it's bad. I know this is unhealthy. I know this screams out that I am the attention seeker. 

 I will admit it. I am. 

 I have never had the attention. I crave it. 

 I am not desperate enough to stay where I am not wanted, thank god. But, I will try to stay where I feel comfortable. Even if the place is filthy, covered with love bombs, gaslighting, and abuse. 

 I used to think it was my choice in men. I was wrong. 

 You blow me off. 

 You don't talk to me unless it's for a favor. 

 You take her side, not mine. 

 You don't listen to my voice of reason. 

 "You are a swing set and I am the kid that falls."

 I think with each passing day, something will change. I keep thinking that after 22 years, you will finally see me. 

 You chose a new life without me in it. 

 I think it hurts knowing I have cried to more boys about you than the amount of times I have cried to you about boys. 

 Because of you, I know no other love besides the kind that keeps me in a loop. 

 What's worse is that I cannot cut the rope to you. 

 I still hope that you change. 

 I still hurt because of your choices. 

 But, I am happy you enjoy your new family.