Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

So Cold.

 Sometimes I really have to wonder if it is me. I am aware that I have toxic traits. I am aware that I complain too much and need reassurance 24/7. I get that. Maybe I am too needy. But, I can't stop thinking about all the things that have been said to me. 

 "You can't call me a friend, look at what you did to her!" 

 I'm not going to mention names. I am sure this will get around. 

 We were not friends at the time things happened. We stopped being friends because she thought I was out to hurt her and her relationship while I had my own to worry about. She was never a friend to me because if she knew me, she would know that I would never do that to her. 

 It is the fact I begged another woman to not open that door for him. It's the fact I begged another woman to please see why it was so important to not let him lean on her for support. It's the fact that I begged her to please send him back to me with every message he sent her. 

 And then, I was lied to about it. I get why. A friend wanted to protect my feelings. She tried to be private about them getting together but, I knew what his pictures looked like and I'm not stupid. 

 It's been nine months. I am happy. I can laugh. I can smile. I can even admit that it doesn't hurt anymore. Until it does. At night. When that just seems to be when everything comes crashing down. None of you will get it. That man was my best friend. That was my person. That was the man I called for help for two years and it killed me when we didn't talk for months. I knew how it felt to have him ripped away from his friends and this is the thanks I get. It's hard to imagine a person not being in your life when everything for two years and four months was nothing but happy moments. 

 Dating now is so pointless. Because, everyone is lying about their gender. They are catfishing. Or worse, they don't tell you how they're the opposite gender than what they told you until you are two weeks deep and they throw "I love you" in your face. 

 So many of you think it is easy to move on and you think the ones who actually suffer are being dramatic or just won't get over it. 

 I am over it but, fuck.. there are times where I wish I could turn back the clock to beg him to get rid of her. Because, maybe had I been a little more toxic, since it seems to be his type, he would still be here. 

 One day he is going to be ready to settle down and not deal with the fighting or jealousy and he is going to want someone who will actually care for him. All that I ask is that when that time comes, the universe deprives him of it. 

 Just like he deprived me of my happiness.