Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

Not For You.

 I went to go text you today. I had the urge to call you and tell you how you were right and there's no one else like you and I've been so miserable and I am ready for us to fix things. I wanted to completely break down in your arms. I wanted to explain all the hurt I have felt in the last 10 months. 

 I had a feeling when I woke up today that if I reached out to you, things would be different. I would actually get a reply. I almost went into my iCloud to recover our old texts and photos because, there is a 30 day wait time before its actually gone. Today, I almost logged on to the old version of the stupid game we used to play on just so I could read the conversations all over again. I almost wanted to feel close to you again, today. 

 Today I almost wanted to find your social media just to check in. Today my heart is so heavy for you because, I know the downhill I am currently spiraling down from is because I know you're no longer coming back. Today I realized that I hadn't had alcohol or nicotine in months. I have been sober and clean from self harm. Or, so I thought. I think I am okay until I realize that my body doesn't even know how to feel hungry anymore and my heart cannot tell the difference between trauma bond and someone being genuine. 

 Today I just wanted to break. It feels like all I can do lately is break. Breaking to you was something I did so easily. You held me, always. You never let the phone ring past three times. You never tried to belittle any of my issues. You never put anyone above me, until you did. 

 I wanted to come to you today, until I realized you were no longer mine to go to. You are no longer available for me to break on. I now have to be strong or become desperate. These days I feel so love starved, I will take anything. My actions and choices clearly tell you that. They don't warn you about days like today. 

 They don't tell you that missing a ghost who isn't even a ghost is a real thing. I am not crazy. 

 They don't guide you away from those who see a broken person and decide that taking advantage of them is better than leaving them alone. 

 Some days I feel like I cannot do this without you. 

 Most days I do it without you. 

 But, days like today, I forgot that you were not mine. 

 Today, I forgot that I blocked your number and I am proud of that because, I didn't unblock it, no matter how much I cried for you. 

 Today, I did not go searching for our stupid FaceTime photos. Today, I forgot that I clicked the "delete" button in the "recently deleted" album. It's gone forever now. 

 Today, I forgot that you calmly and openly put a knife in my back and left me to figure it out on my own. You did so without any kind of reason. I deserved a reason. 

And, if I ever get that reason, I would tell you that you are so full of shit because, I did everything for you. 

 Today, I fell down. But, not for you. 

 I fell down because, I missed being someone's person. 

 I fell down because I missed being wanted. 

 Today I realized your memory doesn't make me miss you. 

 Instead, it makes me miss having a home.