Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

Day 18.

 You know, you were not what I was looking for. You're not even my type. I didn't want you. I even avoided you to keep myself from falling victim to your boyish charms. I knew you were dangerous. And I knew falling for you would be the start of my never ending personal hell. I had high hopes she would nurture you the way you needed so I wasn't tempted to open my arms to you. I wanted you and her to be forever so I wouldn't be in the hell I'm in right now. 

 But, fate had other plans. 

 Instead, I broke every rule for you. In the famous words of Meredith Grey, "I thought I was done, so all the boys and and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared? Because I was done." I truly felt that. I thought I found my "yellow" or "my one". 

 I still feel that way, for you. 

 You were not what I was looking for. You're rude. You're scatterbrained. You're quite inconsiderate. You're not always truthful. You act tough but, when things get hard, you pull away and become closed off. You think you control every situation and refuse to accept fate that doesn't favor you. You're often shallow. You expect things to just fall in your lap. And you're not vocal about how you feel. 

 And yet, somehow, I fell in love with everything else in between all of your flaws. I fell for the stupid jokes. I fell for sympathy you give when someone is going through a grieving process that you have already experienced. I fell for the stupid laugh you have when you're genuinely content with your gaming system and "bros". I fell for the way you talk and the way you move. I fell in love with the sparkle in your deep blue eyes. 

 Damn it, I tried so hard to not fall for you. I fought so hard. I even tried undergoing more abuse from my previous toxic relationship(s) just so I could avoid feeling the temporary love you give and share. 

 But here's the thing. 

 You're everything I ever wanted in a person. 

 Yes, you're all of what I said you were. But, you're also the most giving person I've ever met. And, unfortunately, I wouldn't undo a single thing I've done with you. I'd repeat the last year and a half over and over again if it meant I got to be with you just one more time. And maybe, just maybe, all of those little do overs would get us a different ending. A happy ending. The ending we dreamed and talked about. 

 I utterly hate and despise you but, I'm also very much intoxicated with your love. 

 I am undeniably in love with you. 

 I hate you for this.