Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

You Decided.

 I think it hurts the most knowing it's almost six months and we are back to being strangers. You have no idea what's going on in my life. You're gone and I have to pick up the pieces and that's unfair. I don't want to believe people. I don't want to listen to their opinions and I don't want them to be right. Everyday it gets harder. It gets harder to look at our messages and seeing you don't care enough to even read them anymore. I can't decide if I want to be angry at you or forgive you. 

 Angry because, you decided you were going to stop trying. You decided you were done. You decided that I was not worth your effort anymore. You decided you were done. You decided I would no longer fit in your life. Forgive you? Because of you I'm starting to see what I deserve and its not this. I'm starting to understand that if someone wanted to, they would. Never in a million years did I think you of all people would turn on me the way you did. I'm realizing that I love too hard and maybe even too deeply for this childish game of Who Can Go Longer Without Talking... I hate that I have to force myself to forgive you so I can be selfish and put myself first. This is something I never wanted to do. Not to you. I hope this will be worth it. I hope it'll be worth it when you look back and see everything I did for you, everything I was willing to do for you, and all the love I gave you. 

 I hope its everything you wanted to achieve. You made me love you. You made me let you in. You made me care and have feelings for you. You let me tell you all of my secrets  and darkest moments. You let me tell you everything about myself that only my closest friends and family knew. I let you get close to my family and I believed you when you looked me in the eyes and told me you loved me. 

 We had everything planned out. Everything from meeting, having kids, to getting married, to buying a house together. We planned a whole life with each other and suddenly that wasn't enough for you. It will haunt me knowing that I can never love again without feeling scared or insecure. I'm afraid to let anyone get close because what if I'm no longer good enough? Just like I was suddenly no longer good enough for you. What if I'm too clingy or emotional or five levels higher in love than they are? I'm scared to find love in someone or anything else, out of fear of it being taken away in just one night. 

 And I hope you're okay knowing that. I hope you get a good nights sleep. I hope you laugh and smile every day. I hope you're happy. I hope you're happy because, you hurt me in the process of figuring out your bullshit.