Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

Two People Asked Me If I Was Okay Today.

 When I said healing isn't always consistent, I was talking about nights like these. The nights where reality hits a little too hard in places that are still raw. Nights like this where you stay in bed or chained to the couch because you have no energy. 

 I hate being alone sometimes. And I refuse to seek company from anyone else because it's for the wrong reason. Instead, I would rather wait for this feeling to pass; And it does. But, before that happens, I must admit... I hate it here. I hate the empty spot next to me. I hate the number 10 on my text icon knowing none of them are from you. I hate that when I try to see my future with you, it's no longer a face but, a black shadow. I hate that my dreams are cold sweat nightmares and even in those, I am forgetting the structure of your jawline. 

 But, what I hate most of all... 

 I hate that I have to explain my favorite color to someone else. 

 I hate the fact that no body knows that I like elephants. 

 I hate the fact that no one sees my wild side anymore because, I reserve those parts of me for someone I love. 

 I hate that I have to tell someone new what my favorite book is. 

 I hate that my coffee order will be too picky or hard to learn all over until someone gets used to it. 

 I hate that I will have to talk about a new future once again instead of finally settling with the one I already have planned. 

 I hate the fact that I have to let someone else in. I have to cut open old scars for them to explore. I hate that I have to trust a new friend. I hate that I have to learn how to love someone again.

 I hate that someone new will have to carry my baggage. 

 I hate that my family will have to learn a new name and get familiar with a new face. 

 It'll pass, I tell myself. And it will. But, for now, I have to feel it. And, I can only hope someone notices and tries to pull me out of my thoughts. 

 Two people asked me if I was okay today. 

 No. 

 No, I was not okay today. 

 Today was hard and I lost the battle. 

 But, I thank you for not giving up on me. 

 And I thank you for loving me anyway. 

 And I thank you for staying by my side while I heal.