Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

Please Understand.

 When things were left the way they were, please understand it wasn't because I stopped loving you. It's not because I stopped caring. It's not because I'm ready to give up. Its not that I'm easily over you and what we shared. It's not because there is someone else, and there isn't. It's not because I hate you. It's not because you have awaken the three year old little girl inside of me, screaming at the top of her lungs for you to stay because no one else has. It's not because you're holding me back. It's not because my love is going to waste. It's not because I'm getting the heat for you being gone by ex's and old friends. It's not that I find it kind of funny, strange, and sad. It's not that I have lost all of my feelings for you. It's not because I'm slowly letting myself turn cold. It's not because deep down I always thought you'd walk away. It's not because I was talked into it. It's not because I wanted to be desperate enough to take advantage of someone else. It's not because of me falling out of love with you as I'm really starting to think that's impossible. 

 I did it because I was mad at you. I did it because I was afraid of you never coming back and I beat you to it. I did it because I miss who you once were and I thought that maybe if I put my foot down, you'd see that the fight is slowly starting to calm. I did it because I wanted you to care. I did it because you promised you'd never leave and that you'd be here no matter what. I did it because you were different from the rest. I did it because I miss who you used to be. I did it because I'm upset that I can't hear your voice say "I love you" one more time. I did it because I'm scared I'll never get to see you look at me the way you used to, anymore. I did it because I'm terrified of not knowing if you're okay. I did it because you left me no choice when you didn't even say "goodbye". I did it because I have hope that one day, I'll look down at my phone and it won't be another useless conversation I won't remember in ten years. 

 I didn't fall out of love with you. I was mad at you. I was angry. I'm starting to think I'll always love you and that I'll wait for as long as I can because I have that piece of hope that you'll come back. I have faith that once you get everything you're working for, I'll finally be able to fit into your life again. It's easier to hold on to this idea of you than to unlove you. As I'm sure that is something I couldn't let myself go through. You are my one. I didn't think it was possible to fall in love the way I did with you. I've only ever been in love once and you manage to take me to a deeper place. 

 So, no.  

 I didn't do it because I stopped loving you. I did it because, I was mad at you. I still have hope for us. I'm still fighting. Even if you have decided not to for now.