Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

Day 30.

 I'm doing it. 

 I'm laughing more. 

 I finally figured out how to smile again. 

 The drinking became less as the days went on. The smoking finally became less of a need and more of the occasional want. 

 I no longer needed sleeping pills to get some rest. 

 I no longer felt alone. 

 I'm talking to people and I think I'm okay. 

 For the last two months, I have been down. I have been in a constant state of depression and I've been manic. My heart is broken but, I am healing. With healing, comes confusion. 

 I don't think I am ready to move on but, the thought does cross my mind. 

 My entire life, I have stretched myself beyond what I could handle, for people. I never get the same thing back. I know I will never get these last few months back but, I wanted him to know I waited. I tried. I'm finally getting better and it hurts knowing he has no part in it. 

 When I needed him most, he chose to push me aside and continue to have conversations with other people. I think that's why I will be able to move on, in time. I could never do that to him. I would have never done that to him. 

 I wish him good things. I wish him well. I wish him happiness because, I'm finally getting a small piece of mine back. 

 The next person will have big shoes to fill... I won't lie. 

 But, so many people have tried forcing it. People have tried telling me lies about him, make me hate him. He is not a mean person. He goes through his dark times just like anyone else. 

 But, I have to draw the line here. I don't think I could lose it again without going off the deep end. 

 So, I'm doing it.