Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

Vacation.

 I took a break. A step back, if you will. 

 I told everyone I was on vacation. And, while I got to enjoy long drives with sunset views with the windows down and wind blowing through my hair, hotel stays, and exploring new book stores... I also stayed home. I slept. I ate three meals a day with whatever snack I wanted in between. I read books until my eyes were so heavy, I couldn't see straight anymore. I watched TV shows that pulled at every emotion I possess. I cooked savory meals I have never made before. I ordered take out without caring how much money I spent. I laughed a little louder. I smiled without forcing it. I simply did whatever the fuck I wanted to do. 

 Yes. I was on vacation. I took trips all over my world. I started with everything I was insecure about and I found reasons to love those flaws. I sat alone with my thoughts. All of them. Starting with the bad ones. 

 And, as each day passed, I found myself sitting there with happy thoughts, happy memories that have been locked away by my depression for years. I silenced the scared, screaming five year old little girl inside of me by telling my story on how I am a survivor. 

 I gave my depression its final moments and then told myself that I cannot keep giving it the dark energy it craves. I counted to 100. In those seconds, I let the worst of it get to me. I cried, I screamed. I thought about selfish acts that I could do in the moment. But, when I got to 100, I stopped. I took a deep breath. I dissected those emotions and thoughts and, I turned them around. 

 I found myself manifesting more self love, self improvement, self care, self respect, better self esteem and less of love, attraction, or lust. 

 I am four months in to being with myself. I refuse to love another human who won't even return half of what I bring to the table; And I bring a whole damn feast. 

 In all this time, I learned who I was. I became perfectly happy with who I am and I refuse to change, yet again, for anyone else. 

 I'm crazy, loud, random, wild, yet very quiet, adventurous in ways you would never imagine, and more importantly, I am fucking independent. 

 I am so proud of who I am becoming. 

 So, yes. I was on vacation.