Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

At My Worst.

 Don't ever let anyone shame you for how you heal. 

 Someone told me I was being mean when I explained how cautious I am of new people earning my time. They claimed to be half joking but, it made me wonder why I would want to be any other way. 

 I have diluted who I was as a person for people to like me, that's me being nice. I am still nice, I just know now, that I need to be more guarded. People like me get taken advantage of and used. 

 I have been patient and I have been kind and I have been understanding. It got me hurt in the end, and no one cared. Being open and nice was me giving a loaded gun to someone I trusted. They shot me. 

 I would like you to understand that there is a difference between being mean and being guarded. 

 I am not mean spirited. I am not vengeful... though I deserve to be. I pray other people get the help and guidance they need during their hard times. I am not mean on purpose and while I would like to apologize for hurting anyone's feelings, this is where my sympathy stops. 

 I am guarded. But, by all means, talk to me. Get to know me. I am an open book. I have told you everything you needed to know about me so far. You are going to continue to know more about me, entry after entry. You are welcome to my story any time, as many times as you'd like. However, if anything I say in regards to my healing or my heart, offends you... You are the problem. Not me. 

 I used to drop everything for everyone. I would lay myself bare for anyone who needed me to. It took so much pain to finally learn a hard lesson. Not everyone cares the way I do and in order to finally understand that, I had to be burned enough times to realize that fire does not represent passion.

 It's rather quite dangerous. 

 People assume I am mean, cold hearted, and blunt. I would rather have that image instead of who I really am. People cannot take advantage of you if they have nothing to use you for. 

 I am wild and free and I am the girl who reads books in coffee shops. I'm obsessed with boho aesthetics. I'm the one flying down the highway with windows down and music blaring. I am the one who is in love with nature and in my story, I am the main character. To me, I am Heather. 

 Why would I give any of that up for someone who will never see the spontaneous, energetic, beautiful hearted, down to earth girl that I really am? If someone is not willing to dive deep and get to know my heart, they don't deserve its love. 

 If you want to call that mean... then yes. I am a mean, cold hearted bitch.