Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

Stability.

 I'm asked "what do you want?" a million times a day. I finally have an answer. 

 As much as I want to say "love, lust, forever" ... none of that is permanent. I mean, hell, my ex promised forever. That lasted six months. I want something much more rich. More valuable. 

 I want stability.

 I want someone to walk into my life, get to know me, see my moods change like the Texas weather, I want to be a tornado next to someone's volcano. I want them to stay. I want them to stay longer than a few months or years. I want something to stick. 

 Right now, I am broke. I don't have stability in my life, at all. I say it's rich because, if you have someone in your life who adores you, even after all of your fucked up issues and messy flaws, you won at this thing called life. You have everything you will ever need. You'll grow with them. Every day will be a new reason to fall head over heels for them. Every milestone will be this new adventure for you. 

 I want that. 

 I have never had anyone come into my life and... stay. 

 Yes, I have siblings. I have a few friends. A great one, even. 

 But, I don't have that one person who you settle down and create life with. I have never been able to be stable and steady. Is that my fault? Maybe. Possibly. I'll admit I have toxic traits. But, is it so much to ask for someone to stay and just talk it out with me instead of walking out of my life? Everyone is a little messed up, you have to decide who is worth sticking around for. 

 I want to be worth it to someone. 

 I don't think I could handle another person coming into my life, meeting my family, my friends, watching me fall and rise, knowing how I like my coffee and what books I adore. I don't want someone knowing my fears and daddy issues if they're going to leave. 

 I want stability. 

 For some reason, it seems to be the one thing I cannot grasp.