Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

I hate Being Right All The Time.

 Those who have access to my personal life, my love life, those who know my story, my chapters, the characters will understand me when I talk about feeling the pain at three in the morning. They understand why I started writing. They feel what I feel. They know these hours. These hours of waiting for something, anything other than silence. They know this is torture. 

 I hate being right all the time. It hurts that I am never wrong. It hurts that I have yet to meet someone who looks me in the eyes and proves me wrong. 

 Nobody stays. 

 I am confused all the time. I am not the girl you dump your burdens on and then just walk away. Excuse me? Hello?  You get me to care. You get me to notice you. You get me to worry and hope that you are okay. You get me hooked. You are the introduction of a glorified horror story and I am about to dive into you. And, you just... leave? 

 I am not that girl. 

 I have heard the excuses. 

 "I had depression. I couldn't handle a situationship at the time." 

 Excuse me? You're an adult. Secondly, that's not my problem. You cannot sit here and make me feel like I'm the reason your life is falling apart. You do not get to sit here and leave me for two months and then just come back with "Hey sweetheart." 

 I am not the girl. 

 I care deeply. I get involved way too quickly and I am working on that. 

 Everyone talks about getting used for your body. Everyone talks about how they're pretty enough to fuck but, not date. Everyone talks about how their bodies are being taken advantage of. But no one, not a single soul has mentioned what it's like to be used for your empathy. 

 No one cares about the amount of effort you give to someone. 

 Do you not realize how draining it is? 

 It's annoying that my kindness is laid out there like a free American buffet and everyone is starving for it. 

 No one talks about the fact that people leave once they get the advice and comfort they wanted, but not needed.  

 No one talks about the fact that people leave you cold, stranded, empty, and homeless mentally, once they get the kindness they wanted from you. 

 I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I would rather have physical interaction and just walk out instead of my mind and feelings being taken advantage of.