Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

Numb.

 TW: Suicide. 

 I've thought a lot today. 

 So many things I could possibly think of and the only thing that comes to mind is, suicide. 

 And before you get worried, hear me out. 

 I'm fine, most days. A lot of the time, my battles are often over by the end of the night and I sleep it off. But today, I woke up and everything inside of me is numb. I feel a big nothingness. A lot of you wouldn't know because I've been smiling, laughing, crying, talking, and joking. But none of that ever takes away the pain. You all know this. 

 So, before you start preaching about getting help or reaching out or messaging me to tell me you're here, but you're only here for two minutes until you get another message from a better friend or I think you're busy, listen to what I'm going to say. 

 This would've been the note I would have left. 

 "If you wake up one day and I'm not here, its okay. Don't be sad or disheartened. And don't feel like you lost me. Trust me, I don't regret it. I can explain. 

 I'm exactly where I want to be. If I'm dead, it means I'm finally happy. I'm finally free from my demons and I'm not being weighed down. I'm not crying anymore and I think that's a bonus. Don't mourn me. There's nothing sad here. If you're going to miss me, celebrate. Celebrate the fact I was in your life for a time. Celebrate being free. Celebrate life because, I hated mine. And you shouldn't feel like that. So celebrate. Celebrate our memories together because, you probably made me believe I could live another night or hang on a little longer. But, don't mourn me. 

 In my lifetime, I've had nothing but bad things happen to me starting from my childhood. I never got to experience a real love because, everyone leaves. I barely knew a decent friendship. I only had one or two  friends who stood by me, until now. My life was an absolute mess and I could never fix it. So, if I'm dead, I'm finally free. I no longer have to meet these standards that I tried so hard to live up to. I'm no longer disappointing people and in time, people will move on and continue living. So, why be sad? I don't want that for you. Celebrate life. Live on. Because trust me, if I could've lived life to the fullest... oh darling, I would have."

 - November 9th, 2020