Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

Tell Me About You.

 A lot in my life affects me. Especially lately. 

 I haven't spoken about it to many people because, why would I? 

 We all have lives and we're all going through something. 

  A family member passing. A break up. Losing a job. Cutting ties with a friend. 

 We are all going through something. 

 Lately, I have been scraping the bottom of the barrel trying to find reasons to keep the happiness alive until I can feed it positive energy again. 

 I'll be honest, I am numb. 

 I am numb because, I have been told many things by people who I held close to my heart. 

 I am bitter or I am hateful. 

 Or so I'm told. So, today I took a moment to reflect on a time that didn't make my heart ache or my eyes water. 

 My mother, my only mother and I struggled to have the relationship we have today. And in that process, there was time when I was five years old. She had just came back into my life and was able to finally see me again. She lived with my father and I for awhile until she got back on her feet. 

 I was a miserable child. All you need to know, all I care for you to know is that daddy worked too much to see the abuse going on and mommy didn't love me enough to notice. 

 The only happy memory that comes to mind is that one day, while staring outside my broken bedroom window, my mother sat next to me. She noticed I had an eyelash on my cheek and she rubbed it off. It stuck to her finger and she looked at me. 

 "Make a wish." She said, with the sweetest smile I have ever seen from her. 

 "But, you don't make wishes on those. You wish on stars." I was convinced that stars would solve all of my problems. 

 But, I did it anyway. 

 It's memories like this that make me miss being a child. 

 Not particularly in that home with those people. But, I miss my light never going dim. I miss the constant energy I had. 

 I miss not having heartache.