Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

Strangers.

 Here's a scary thought. 

 I'm going on the third month of this crazy experience with the one who has my heart.  I could try again. I wouldn't mind it, at this point. I'm ready to let go and try again with someone new. I'm ready to let go of what's hurting me. Each day that slowly passes, it unfortunately feels like the right thing to do for myself. 

 Will I do it? 

 No, probably not. That's not what gets me. It's not the unknown that scares me.

 It's the possibilities. 

 Why would I end my suffering now only have a serotonin high for the next four months and then end up back at square one? Why would I make myself available to new toxicity? 

 I have officially been through it all. 

 My insecurities have gotten the best of all of my relationships. I could easily start a new spark, it would feel nice. But, do you know what follows? The sleepless nights, the fights, the crying, the drama.. and drama happens because, unfortunately my business is grade A gossip for some people. 

 And then there is the chance of getting ghosted. 

 Not ghosted as in we just started talking and the conversation is weird and awkward. Ghosted as in, we have been together for seven months and my girl best friend has convinced me she's better for my mental health than you, so instead of breaking up with you like a real man, I am ghosting you. 

 There's a chance that you will want to be in my space until it no longer satisfies you and then suddenly you will say that I want to be on the phone too much. 

You'll get tired of me. 

 It's scary. I want that love but, I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that maybe I am just not worth it. Maybe I am better off alone. Or maybe I am better off in the place that I am currently stuck in. 

 I wouldn't mind taking a leap of faith for someone. 

 But, I am not ready for the hurt that is bound to follow. Unfortunately, there is no way you could possibly get me to trust that you wouldn't hurt me, right now. 

 If someone who has been in my life for years did it so easily, could you imagine how simple it would be for someone new? 

 And just like that, I am comfortable with hurting in silence because, fuck that.