Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

Note To Self.

 Note to whoever needs it... 

 It's a He for me but feel free to change the pronouns as you read. 

 He's not in your favorite movie. He's not in your favorite book. He is not in your favorite song that you dance to in the kitchen at two in the morning. He is not in the 70 matches you have on tinder. He is not in the brownies you made because you were seeking comfort food. But if you made it yourself, it's a little more healthier than store bought. He is not in the random guys you often talk to, to pass the time. He is not in your job. He's not even in the things you do as a hobby. 

 But even though he's not in any of these places, they are important, very intimate places that belong to you, and you alone. 

 He's everywhere in your mind. 

 He's everywhere in my mind. 

 He's this number that I text often to let him know that I am still here. Sometimes I get a little carried away with my emotions but, its not like he reads them anyway, right? Because, if he did, he would respond. He's in my mind. A constant reminder of what is not mine. 

 He had a thing for girls who wore knee high socks or stockings, as some of you call them. My thighs could never keep them up and socks feel weird on my feet. He thought dreadlocks were 'cool' ... I found them unflattering. He reminded me often that I made him think of his ex. 

 It's been so long now and I am starting to realize that the problem was never me. It's now clear that I was just never his type. 

 He was never mine because, he is not in my favorite movie. He is not in my favorite book. He is not in my favorite songs. He is not in any of them men on tinder. None of which deserved my feelings anyway. He is not in my comfort food. He is not in any of the people I meet or talk to. He is not in my job, though it would make me giggle for a minute if he was. He is not in the things I do as a hobby. 

 He is no where in my personal life anymore. 

 I am learning, still. It's okay to be alone. It's okay to put one toe in the dating pool and then pull it out when it doesn't feel right. I am learning that I am allowed to talk to multiple people because none of them care, anyway. 

 But, I am in my favorite movie. I am the girl in the movies that has clarity. I am in my favorite book. I am the character who still loves even after getting their heart ripped from their chest. I am in my favorite song. I am the girl you don't want to miss out on. 

 And more importantly, I know someday, all this time alone will be worth it because, someone is going to appreciate the fact they have all of me in one piece and not just the broken pieces I have left over to offer. 

 Be alone. It's worth it.