If only I could tell you how many times I'm told that my writing is beautiful and my mind holds such touching words. If only I could explain to you how many times I've been told that my stories or entries have made someone cry. I won't complain. The compliments are nice. Who doesn't love to be told that they have good writing skills? The same skill everyone has had since grade school. How.. unique right?
But, unfortunately.. I am jealous. I'm jealous of the fact that people believe the innocence I fake behind "I'm fine". I'm jealous of every person who doesn't have demons living rent free inside of their head. But, most of all, I'm jealous of those who touch me and how they are capable of pulling away.
I wish I could detach from my own skin like that.
I'm jealous because my mind is not so touching and its not very kind, even when I try to be. My mind is dark and cold and if you could have it for a day, I'm sure you would fold.
I'm jealous people believe "I'm fine" but really, I'm dying and the question is, "Am I dying on the inside just as slowly as I'm dying on the outside?" I'm jealous of every person who touches me and pulls away seconds later. The sweet release they get from this body angers me, as I wish I could leave, too.
The problem is me. I'm a danger to myself and I get why people don't want to be around me. I often wonder if they know how it makes me feel. I'm stuck in this body and I'm trapped in this mind and I am lonely. I know how depressing I am and I know it can take a toll on a relationship. Don't you think I want to leave me, too? I am stuck in a constant state of mind that terrifies me and it pains me to watch people leave so easily. As if they're putting me down for something new and better, and they know they will never come back for me.
They make it look so easy; Leaving.
But if I had a choice, I wouldn't stay either. I wouldn't choose myself.
My only thought now, is that death seems so sweet. At least then, I could finally be free.
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Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts
PoetryDive deep into my thoughts with me. A break up pushed me over the edge and it's time for a change. These are all of my late night thoughts, fears, and emotions. It gets real and raw and its not for the faint of heart. I hope this helps whoever it re...
