Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

Surrender.

  TW: Suicide. 

 November 18, 2013

 With everything I went through this week, today hit especially hard. 

 I had my first case of puppy love when I was 13 years old. 

 His name was James. He was my first boyfriend. 

 Today is the anniversary of his death. 

 I remember my friends and parents telling me that you have no idea what love is at such a young age, and sure, I can see how that's true. 

 I'm 21 and I still struggle with the concept of love. 

 I want to take a moment to remember James and what he brought into my life. 

 Meeting him was probably the first time my life was complicated when it comes to boys. The irony is that while he taught me the downfall of loving someone, he also taught me the lesson of loving someone too late. He taught me a lesson I wasn't ready for. 

 My first relationship ended after six months. 

 He committed suicide.  

 Our break up wasn't the cleanest and he had existing issues in his life that I didn't know about at the time. I still remember receiving the news and a note that changed my outlook on relationships. 

 I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone. It's the wondering that kills you the most. You wonder about what you could have done, what you two could have been or had together. You think about all the little fights that didn't matter. You want to take back all the spoken words you didn't mean and you wish you noticed the little things that had a big impact on their mental health. 

 I'm cautious now of what I get into and who I get into it with. I stray away from people who use the sentence "I'll kill myself." to manipulate others into getting that they want. Being someone who has lived through such an experience, I don't take it lightly. If I could go back, I would do everything differently. 

 I hope the lesson is clear. I'm not being very transparent. 

 If you're someone who uses suicide as a way to get what you want and you know you're doing it, intentionally, stop. Some of us have lived through it and its not fair to put that burden on someone else. 

 You're potentially ruining their future relationships. They shouldn't feel afraid of walking away from toxicity with blood on their hands. And if you are someone who has lived through this, I am so very deeply sorry for your loss. It has taken me all these years to be okay and I still struggle. I still remember. And I still wonder if there was anything I could've done.