Countryhumans & Cityhumans Oneshots

"I hope I die alone." | Another Vent/Rant |

⁂ Just another vent/rant because I'm in a really rough spot right now. ⁂ 

|South Korea⇾Transgender + Transsexual Male⇾he/him/his/hes/himself|

⇾ What I am writing here, and in the last chapter, we're the experiences I had gone/am going through. I had a rough day yesterday and it's set off a lot of personal experiences of mine. This is a vent to sort of relieve a bit of that.|

░▒▓█►─═ Third-Person POV ═─◄█▓▒░

Was there a reason Kyung-Soo never managed to fit in with everybody else? Was there a reason everybody else managed to fit the beauty standers their countries had set for them but he couldn't come close to it? Why couldn't he? Why was beauty so hard to follow? How could everybody else be flawless and he just looks like a clown. No matter what he did, he never fit between those lines of beauty standers.

Don't eat too much, you get bigger.

Have flawless skin.

Have the latest trends or nobody notices you.

Wear makeup, your fake, don't, you're ugly.

Show off your slim figure to gain more confidence but you get called a slut, don't show it off you're told you should.

Don't have people watch you eating, they'll comment on how you should stop or else you'll lose your slim figure.

Why must beauty be so hard to follow? 

But, if you're a star like him, people are always watching you, so how could you go a full day without eating a bite for the fear they'll comment on it. You suck it up and don't eat. Days on end Kyung has to suck up his hunger, act like he's alright, and wait for everybody to leave before he can even think about nibbling on something. He always claims he's full or had too much when really he was sick due to the fact he ate nothing.

Running towards the restroom at 2 am to throw up the food you hadn't eaten was a daily thing for him. Feeling as if you want to throw up but end up just gagging gave no relief to his aching throat. Did anybody know about this? Of course not, for they would think he was weak and dramatic. Everybody told him he was dramatic.  That cry for help when he had attempted an overdose was nothing but a figment in everybody's imaginations now. Everybody believes it was an accident. And if he did tell them he did it on purpose, they would scoff and say he was just being dramatic.

It was no accident he had performed that day. The day he shoved all his pills down his throat and hoped nobody would find him and let him die in peace. He has done it on purpose to escape reality for a while. Something he had done so maybe people would realize he needed help. But nobody did. It was no longer a cry for help to them. It was something they could tease him about. Something he would have forever haunt him. Nobody but Chosŏn had begun to dive deeper into what he was feeling and tey to help him. Nobody but her bothered to care. And he was thankful for that. But she wasn't enough. She had let him go after getting together with Australia. Of course, he was happy for her, but she had let go of the rope he was holding onto and gave it to somebody else. The one thing he needed, he had lost.

Maybe if he were as confident as America, he would be better. Maybe if he were as beautiful as Britain, he would be better. Maybe if he were as strong as Russia, he would be better. Maybe if he were as funny as France, he would be better. Maybe if he were as intelligent as Japan, he would be better.

But he wasn't any of those things. He was that pathetic, no-good, everybody could live without Type of person. Nobody needed him. They could function just fine without him. But he couldn't function just fine with them gone. How could somebody care so much about people who don't care about them? Russia could mentally abuse him for years but once she died he would sob for her loss and pretend she never did any of those things. China could manipulate him for decades, but she was his brother's wife so if anything were to happen to her, he would feel nothing but shame for not helping her heal and be alive. Why did he care so much about people he knows wouldn't care about him?

This. This was what Kyung-Soo had to live through every day. The constant fear of rejection and being forgotten. The fear you just aren't good enough. He doesn't want to die alone, but upon feeling the pill bottle tremble in his hands and having them all go down his throat with nobody else in the room but him, he honestly hoped he would be dying alone.