I Can't Let You Go

Nothing matters

He did not talk with Rose. They were together in the house, but he ignored her. For days... for weeks. When he got back home from Emilia they had a loud debate. He wanted to pull an honest answer out from her, but she kept denying that she did a wrong move against him. She lied. It was clear. She kept lying, and in that way that was nonsense to continue that talk. Kit gave up. He needed to figure out what to do. He needed to find a way to finally solve his life. He can't get Emilia back before that. It was clear. If he ever can get her back. He believed in it. He believed in ... they still have a chance. Together. There must be a chance. He still couldn't understand how he screwed it that much. He tried to remember back, but he couldn't. That night... deleted from his mind. Somehow. There was a blackout. He only remembered that he refused the drink, and he went to his room... after that, his first memory was laying in the bed. Next to Rose. Naked. And the mess around in the room. He had no idea how it happened, but he will figure it out. He promised that to himself. 

"So how long do you want to live together in silence?" Rose entered the kitchen meanwhile he was preparing some dinner only for himself. He did not answer. He put some salad on his plate. "If you act like this I'll cover everything for the journalists." she tried to threaten him, but he still remained in silence and put back the salad dressing to the fridge. "So you chose this?" she rolled her eyes, but Kit just walked out of the kitchen and sat at the dining table. Started to read some scripts meanwhile he was eating his meal. "You are going to regret this behavior. I swear." she stepped in front of him and pulled the script away. Throw it to the other side of the room. Kit stayed calm and continued eating. "Do you think I wouldn't do it?" she pulled out her phone and started to dial someone. She kept her eyes on Kit, but he did not look at her. She put the phone to her ear. Kit put the last chaw to his mouth and stood up. Walked back to the kitchen and put the plate in the sink. Rose followed him, but the phone was not in her hand anymore. She stood in his way. 

"I thought you were on the phone." he sighed and wanted to step aside, but she blocked his way without a word. "Look." Kit narrowed his eyes. "There is nothing more that you can take away from me. Literally. You got what you wanted. I am here. With you. If you want to call them, go. Do it. I don't care." he shrugged. 
"I am sure she does not share your opinion about it," she smirked.
"Rose. Read my lips if you can't hear my words. I don't care." he was irritatingly calm and he placed his hands on her shoulders to move her away from his way. He pushed her a bit and walked out of the kitchen, back to his room. He knew she won't make a call. That would be an idiot move. It would hurt her reputation too. Not to mention it would destroy the perfect marriage picture. Only that mattered for her. He entered his room and sat on the edge of the bed. Scrolling his phone. He registered to Instagram. Of course not with his real name, but at least there he could saw her.  He bumped into a picture of Emilia quite quickly. She was smiling but he knew her more. That smile was just a mask. Her eyes were sad, and he could have sworn she is thinner than she was weeks earlier. He caressed the screen and he couldn't stop thinking about how much he misses her. Of course, she was right. He destroyed what they had. He... let Rose destroy everything. Especially when he spent the night with her... meanwhile he was not even sure he did that. That was too nonsense. He wanted to find some proof but... Rose was always there in the flat. Around him. It made it more difficult. His phone rang and it was Mariana. "Great." he sighed and pushed the green button. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

"It is ... so good that I can finally be here." Emilia hugged her mother. At least the covid situation became a bit better around summer. She finally could visit her mother, and talk with her. Face to face. Not just through webcam. 
"How are you?" Jenny caressed her cheek.
"Everything is fine." Emilia nodded with a smile. "The comic book will be ready soon and we have quite a lot of activists with Same You so ... you were right and... " she tried to act so soulfully. 
"You know I did not mean that." Jenny sighed and staring at her face.
"I still can't understand how he was able to do it with me. How... he could... drink and have sex with her." she shrugged. "Maybe he was not the man who I thought he is." she forced a smile. "So... I moved on." 
"You did not." Jenny shook her head. "I know you Milly." she pulled her daughter to her embrace and caressed her back. 
"I am fine, really," Emilia whispered but she squeezed the arm of her mother. Tightly. "He stepped back to his previous life, and I stepped forward to a new life. We... that was a mistake. Our ... relationship or whatever it was." she took a deep breath. 
"It was not." Jenny caressed her head. 
"How could you say this?" Emilia pushed herself up and staring at her mother questioningly. 
"Put your feelings aside a bit and try to think... as an outsider," Jenny answered.
"What for?" Emilia pulled a face.
"Do you really believe and think that he did that?"
"I was there and saw it with my own eyes. But... why do we even talk about this?" she became a bit nervous. 
"You saw him in the bed. Next to her. That is true. But you did not see when they were... "
"Do you really have to remind me of that?" she jumped up from the couch and rolled her eyes. 
"I don't think he did that."
"He did not deny it." Em raised her voice.
"You've said he did not remember anything. Isn't it possible that Rose... gave him something? Or ... "
"Sure." Emilia rolled her eyes "She drugged him and acted as if she had sex with him. Do you hear how ridiculous it sounds?" she crossed her arms. 
"Many things that she did against you... sounds ridiculous. She faked a pregnancy. She forced you to go to India with her. She asked you to act like her best friend." Jenny listed some of those unbelievable acts that Rose did against them. 
"Can't we... change the topic? I came here to plan that SameYou campaign... not to cry about Kit and what he did." Emilia sighed, but her mother's words made her think. No matter how nonsense it sounds... maybe that was the truth. 
"If you want this..." Jenny nodded and opened the folder on the table. 

----------------------------------------------------------

Days passed and she sank into work. She did that in the past few weeks or those were months. She did not really care about it. It was the best way to distract her attention. She went walking with Ted. Several times in a day. Finally, she could go out. Even if she had to wear a mask she loved to walk with Ted. 
"Come on boy." She put back the leash to the tiny puppy and stood up from the bench. "Mom needs to work." she crouched and caressed his ear a bit, then they started to walk towards home. She turned on the corner, and she bumped into him. Into the person who she wanted to meet at least. His mouth fell open and he couldn't believe his own eyes. They were staring at each other for a couple of seconds in silence, then Emilia felt how Ted was jerking the leash in her hand to go closer to the other dog. Kit's dog. She couldn't hide her surprise. 

"Some say a dog can... help to heal your soul." Kit stated before she could say anything. "It really does. I ... she is quite a good puppy." he slid his hand to his pocket, then he crouched down to Ted "Hello buddy." there was a sad smile on his face "I missed you." 
Emilia remained in silence, and just staring the love of her life. He was. No matter how she wanted to deny it. No matter how much he hurt her. She thought about her mother's words many times. What if she was right? What if... it doesn't matter. No matter what she wants. Rose was there, and until she was there ... it doesn't matter they want to be together or not. 
"You grew a lot." Kit told to Ted with a small laugh and the puppy was already on his back and let him pampering him. His dog was hiding behind his back and just watching the scene from a fair distance. 
"As I see she is a little shy." Emilia cleared her throat and crouched down too. Stretched her hand towards Kit's dog and let her sniffle her hand. The puppy made a step towards her, and she finally could caress her head. "She is ... an amazing breed." she swallowed then their eyes met for a moment. She quickly broke the minute and stood up. 

"How are you?" Kit stood up too. 
"That's a pretty stupid question, don' you think?" Emilia avoided looking at him.
"No, it is not." he sighed. "I really want to know." he kept his eyes on her.
"And... just like that alone?" she looked around and spread her arms. 
"See. Another good thing about having a dog. At least I have some free time, without... her." he shrugged. "First she always joined our walks but it seems she got tired of it." 
"I still couldn't understand how you ... " Emilia wanted to ask him, but she swallowed back the end of the sentence.
"We are living in the same flat. That is true. But... after the day... I went to you to ask... ahm... "he cleared his throat. "I did not even talk with her. He threatened me that she'll call the paps and the journalists but of course, she never did that. We are... living there like two strangers."
"I did not ask." Em bit her lower lip and she was clearly nervous. 
"No, you did not." Kit nodded and he couldn't take his eyes off of her. "But... I wanted you to know." he raised his eyes at the sky. "I know I have no right to say this and... probably you don't even care about it... but... " he took a deep breath "But I miss you, Clarke." 

"You look awful," Emilia told him instead of reacting to his words. Kit laughed sadly. Resignedly. 
"I feel awful," he admitted and nodded. "But that is not mutual I mean... "he tried to find the right words. "You don't look awful. You... you look good. Of course, that is not a surprise. You always look good." he was so embarrassed. He did not want to say a bad word. He understood her behavior. She had no reason to believe him. She had no reason to welcome him back into her life. He could be grateful that she was willing to exchange a few words with him, instead of going to the other side of the street. 
"We better... ahm..." Emilia swallowed "we better go before anyone... notices us."
"Sure." Kit nodded and force another smile. "Just... take care of yourself. Goodbye Milly." he wanted to hug her, he wanted to kiss her, he wanted to fall to his knees and ask her forgiveness, but he knew it does not make any sense. He took a step aside and started to walk away from her. 
"Kit." she turned after him. He stopped and looked at her above his shoulder. "I... "she wanted to say that she misses him too but she did not want to give him hope. "You better get rid of her. Before... she destroys you more." she quickly rethought her words. 
"She couldn't. I lost the most important thing." he shrugged "Maybe we'll run each other again. Meanwhile dog walking or something." he added quickly and he turned away and continued his walk. He felt he couldn't hold it back for too long. He felt how tears filled his eyes. Emilia wiped her cheek too.
"Come Teddy. We should go home."