I Can't Let You Go

After

"How long do you want to avoid me Clarke?" she looked on her phone, and saw the message from Kit. She did not want to avoid him. She just... had too much work. With filming, preparing for the Oscars, photo shoots. That was not true of course, but she wanted some time alone. Without Kit. Without anyone. She answered his messages, she talked with him in phone, but she always said she had too many things to do ... and avoid to meet with him. Sure, it was not the best thing what she should do, but she was confused and those things what happened... she felt herself in a bad horror movie. 
"I am not avoiding you" her answer was short and clear. Send. She pushed the button on her screen and sighed. 
"You are." his answer came quickly.

Why is she trying to lie. Who is she trying to lie. Kit knew her... too well and too long. Maybe she was just afraid to ... face the truth. She don't wanna hear his monologue about they're gonna solve everything. They are the ultimate lovers above all... cuz that moment she was totally not sure in this. She did not see the how. How they're gonna solve it. And she wanted to see things clear. 
"Can I come out? Tonight?" another message from Kit.
"I have to get up early in the morning. Maybe we can meet on Sunday."
"Em..." 
She knew. She knew she shouldn't do this with him, but for fuck sake, what Rose told to them. What Rose wanted. She was not ready for it. Not ready to assist to this freak show. Kit neither, she knew it. And she knew they don't have a choice. And Kit has to do this, because of her. That was ridiculous. That was nonsense. 
"Whoa, Emilia. Look up sometimes" Henry stopped her in the backstage. "What is wrong?"
"Nothing, sorry. My mind was somewhere else." 
"Like usually nowadays." Henry stated. "Drama in paradise?"
"You cannot even imagine." Em nodded with a smile. "But look at you. You are even more happier than usual." Em laughed.
"We had the most amazing Valentines day with my wife." 
Em mouth remained open. She totally forgot, sure she never had anyone at around Valentines day to make a big deal about it, but now it was different. She had... Kit. 
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I am so glad about you, what did you do?" Em tried to focus to Henry, meanwhile she couldn't forget how she screwed up. There were too many things. Rose was too much. Everything was too much. 

Saturday just rushed. Em had to meet with Lola, she needed to go for a lunch with her brother, she had to do an interview. She checked her calendar at the evening. GoT press day in London and Oscars also in this month. She rolled her eyes. At least they wrapped from Last Christmas. The wrap party was that night. She loved to work with Emma and Henry, and of course with Paul, but filming, and GoT press together would be too much. She was already too tired. And meanwhile there was that mess with Kit. At least she had no time to think too much about it. About Rose. 
"Tonight is a deal?" Kits message arrived. He did not give up. He never does. Em just smiled.
"Tomorrow. Tonight I have to wrap from my movie. IOU" she sighed. She did. She really did, and she started to miss him. She misses him so much. She maybe needed this feedback. From her heart. The miss of Kit. He did not answer, what was weird, but she did not have time to think about it. 

The wrap party was good. Em felt herself good around the crew. She really loved this crew and they really loved her. The team was amazing, the shooting was so fun and somehow it was sad it is over, but also she felt herself relieved. It was almost 2 am when she got off from the taxi, in front of her home. She was a bit drunk, but just a bit. She felt herself good and happy. 
"Thanks, have an amazing night" She told to the driver, and closed the door. She searched her keys in her beg while she was walking towards to the door. 
"Fuck I hate this bag." she was grumbling, and with her next move she accidentally drop her bag to the floor. "Shit. I can't believe." everything what is in her bag, was all around the sidewalk. She crouched to pack it back. 
"Do you really want to wake up all the neighborhood?" Kit was standing in the door and took a step closer. He picked up her glass and handed to her. 
"What are you doing here?" She asked him, and she cannot hide her smile. 
"You turned me off to many times this week. I just..."
"Wanted to see am I come alone home tonight?" Em asked.
"I was sure in that. I just missed you Clarke" his hands were in his pocket. Em knew this move. He always do this when he is embarrassed or worrying. 
"I missed you too." she held her half open bag on her arms and they were staring each other. 
They walked into the flat and Em poured a glass of water to herself. Kit was hesitated. He was standing next to her, but did not hug or kiss her. He had no idea where are they now or what he should do... or shouldn't what Emilia wants or not. 
"Em..." he whispered to her. She turned to him and placed her finger to his mouth. 
"Just hug me close, okay? We... We'll talk about it tomorrow." she almost begged him. She did not want anything else. Just a sleep. In the arms of the man who she loves more than anyone. Kit nodded and kissed her forehead. They went to the bedroom and huddled together. Kit was caressing her arms and she fall asleep so quickly. Kit couldn't tell the same. He was afraid. He was worried. He ... couldn't get out the thought from his head... what is he looses her, because of Rose. The past few days was horrible, but he did not want to be fierce. He wanted to give her the time, what she needed. Wanted to make her sure... he will be there, even if she makes things harder. But he couldn't wait any more longer. He needed to see her. See his Emilia. Rose was stalking around him in the theater the past few days. She even came with the idea to go for some romantic Valentine dinner. He refused. He decided to control the situation and won't let Rose to control every minute of his life, or every decision. He wanted to talk about it with Em, but it was already too much for her. 

14 FEBRUARY - THEATER

"I searched you everywhere" Rose stopped Kit by his arms in the corridor. 
"What are you doing here?" Kit rolled his eyes.
"Kindly sweetie. You are still my fiancé" she started to manage his collar. 
"Rose." he took a step back and removed her hands off of him.
"You are rude" Rose smirked. "Maybe I can help in that" 
"You can. Leave me alone." he answered firmly and made a face.
"No. I did not think about that. Maybe we should go to a romantic dinner. It is Valentines Day." in the minute she said it, Kit realized he totally forgot about it. He never paid too much attention to it. He did not want to show his feelings on an exact day. He wanted to show his feelings, when he wanted to. Especially to Emilia. She was his love. Not Rose. "Kit?"
"Go home." he answered without any emotion.
"I want to. With you." 
"What the fucking hell game are you playing?" he got pissed and turned to her.
"I told you." she looked into his eyes and smirked "And even your little slut agreed with it. Because her carrier and what people think about her is more important for her, than you'll ever will be."
"You did not gave us a choice."
"Oh, how sweet how you defend her. She will leave you, sooner or later, and that will be the best moment in my life. Do you really think, the famous and innocent Emilia Clarke will play that game for that long? Don't put any bet on it." 
"Fuck off before..."
"Before? If you insult me in front of everyone, in public... nah... that would not look good on you. Especially if I spread I was pregnant, and miscarried because of you... because you cheated me all the time." Rose added. 
"Why are you doing this?" Kit stared her, and he did not believe he was in love with her once. Yes, there were time when he loved her. And now, a woman stands in front of him, and she totally out of herself. 
Rose leaned closer to his ears. 
"You are mine Kit. Until I have advantages from you. Until this fucking show is over. Until your name worth it." 

----------------------------------

Em woke up earlier, than him. She was staring him and caressing his beard. Gently and softly. She agreed to do that shit with Rose. More or less, but she was already not sure she really able to do it. She did not want to loose him, but that game ... what Rose wanted... it was blackmailing. She cannot think about anything else, just the talk with Dan and David. She needed their help. She needed someone behind them who has power. HBO has the power to ... keep their names clear. Or at least she was hoping in it. 
"That tickles" Kit murmured and slowly opened his eyes.
"I did not want to wake you up. Sorry." 
"How do you sleep?" he smiled a bit.
"Better than the last few days." Em lowered her head.
"Em I..."
"I make coffee" she almost jumped up from the bed. She was not ready for that conversation. Maybe she will never be ready for that. Kit sighed and watched her leaving the room. He placed his hand to his forehead and tried to think. He felt how unsure she is. He felt how afraid she is. He knows her... and it scared him. He knows how her mind works. He went after her and hugged her from behind, while she turned on the coffee maker. 
"I know I am on late but..." he started "Happy Valentines Day." and gave a kiss to her face.
Emilia smiled and turned to him.
"It doesn't matter. I ... forgot it also. I mean... it is not important. Not you... " she tried to explain her feelings. "I mean not you what is not important I..."
"Em?" he touched her forehead with his. "I don't care about it at all. I don't wanna love you in one day in a year... " he grabbed her waist and pulled her body to his "I wanna love you every damn minute." 
Em clearly tried to held back her tears. She wished in herself ... she wouldn't be in that much in love with him. That would make everything easier. She looked the floor. 
"You should talk about it." Kit started, but he did not let her go.
"About what?" 
"You feelings. Everything what is in your mind. Even if it hurts. Maybe together..."
"We'll find a solution? For this? We always ... " she raised her voice then continued more quietly "say that and always realize it is not depends only on us." 
"You ... were the more confident in this decision not me."
"Did I have a choice?" Em looked up to his face. "I mean... If I don't agree to do this... I loose you. If I agree... it will kills me ... kills us slowly. Which is better? A loose loose situation for us. And she knows that. And she wants that. She exactly wants that."

Kit frowned. Emilia release herself from his arms, and turned back to the kitchen counter.
"And you wanna give her what she wants?" Kit asked her quietly.