I Can't Let You Go

Doctor

"Morning." Emilia caressed his face and she was smiling at him.
"What time is it?" Kit yawned and looked around.
"Only 8." Emilia took a deep breath. "I just wanted you to know that I go, but I'll be back in some hours."
"The gynecologist?" Kit sighed and pushed himself up on the bed.
"Yeah. Maybe I am not pregnant, but my period is still late. I ... want to know everything is alright." Em nodded.
"What if the test was wrong?" Kit frowned.
"Kit." Em rolled her eyes. "Do not start it again. We discussed it yesterday, it is..." she was a bit nervous.
"Hey." he placed his hand to her cheek. "I am not asking because I want it. I mean... I understand, why you feel that and you are right, it is not the right time, but ... there is still a chance, that the test ... was wrong." he was staring at her face. She wanted to answer, but she did not even think about that option. She did not want to think about that option. "I am just asking, what are we gonna do if the test was wrong?" he lowered his head.
"I hope it is not." Emilia stood up and walked to the counter, to put her rings to her fingers.
"Emilia I don't want to..." Kit got up from the bed and placed his hands to her shoulder from behind.
"Forget this topic, okay?" she turned to him ardently and escaped from his arms.
"Why the hell are you doing this?" Kit raised his voice and spread his arms. "I just asked an innocent question. I just want to help, and you immediately freak out." he rolled his eyes. "Like it or not, there is a chance, that test was wrong. I just wanted to ask do you want me to go with you or not. But you know what. Just forget it." He turned to the counter and grabbed his shirt. He picked it up, and left the room, stormed passed by her. He went to the kitchen and started to make a coffee. He tried to be patient, he did nothing wrong but she kept the distance from him, even at night. He couldn't believe. She escaped from his arms when he tried to hug her. Just hug her. He was sure, she did not want to have sex with him that night, and he was not there because of that. He just wanted to be with her. He knew she must be scared but that was nonsense. He did nothing else, just loved her. His mind was racing, while he was pouring the coffee for himself, and he also poured his hand with it. "Fuck" he cried out and opened the cold water and placed his hand below it.

"I... I have to go. Lola is here." Em told him quietly. Kit just nodded. "Will you... stay?"
"I have a meeting and I have to meet with Jack in the afternoon." he did not turn to her.
"Right." Em nodded and lowered her head. "I... you know I am going to leave in Berlin tomorrow, right?"
"And is there something you haven't cut to my head yet?" Kit was hostile and odious. He was tired, he had jetlag, and his hand hurt and he was hurt. Emilia was angry with him for the whole situation, it was clear for him, and he did not feel it rightful. The doorbell rang and Emilia did not feel she wanted to continue this conversation. She turned her back at him and walked out of her flat.
"Em." Kit turned to her direction but she was not there anymore. "Great." He told to himself and rolled his eyes.

"Okay, will you please finally tell me what the hell is wrong?" Lola asked her when they arrived at the doctor. Emilia's mood was unbearable. She just puffed and growled at everything. "I thought you... discussed it." she sighed and sat to the couch in the waiting room. Em took a deep breath and sat next to her. 
"It nothing."
"I know you better than this Milly. Did he say something wrong? Did he hurt you?" Lola tried to catch her eyes. "I mean with words"
"No. He... " Emilia sighed. "He just... he kept saying what if the test was wrong and he made me crazy with this question. The test was negative and I just want to be sure, that is just the stress. That is all, why we are here now." Emilia told her
"And he is right." Lola frowned. "Everyone knows that those tests are not 100% accurate. There is still a chance, low chance... but still a chance that you are pregnant." Lola shrugged her shoulder.
"Why the hell are you kept saying this?" Emilia raised her voice and everyone else in the waiting room turned to them. She noticed and lowered her head. "I am not pregnant."
"If you reacted that way for him too... I understand why he got nervous." Lola raised her brow. "He just wanted you to ... be prepared for everything. I am sure." she placed her hand to Emilia's hand. "That man is in love with you... since... I don't know when. Since he knows you. He wants the best for you. Do not be a hysterical idiot with him. I am sure he feels, that ... you think it is his fault."
"It is ridiculous." Em rolled her eyes.
"Is it?" Lola was looking at her face. Em opened her mouth for an answer, but deep in her heart, she knew her friend was right. 
"I don't blame him. I just... he had no idea how it feels. How scary it is." Emilia placed her face to her palms. 
"Every other woman would be happy. When a man hears a child is coming they want to escape as soon as possible. Meanwhile, you have a partner, who would do everything to ... make you happy. He would support you even in this, and you push him away." Lola was talking so quietly. "Are you sure the problem is not that... that you are afraid of commitment?" she asked her.
"No!" Emilia answered immediately "I am not... afraid... "
"You have always been afraid of it, Milly," Lola stated. "Remember, if we don't count Charlie, the other two quite serious relationships you had ended when they wanted to make it more serious."
"We were teens then, of course, I did not want to marry them or move together." Emilia shook her head and made a face "And it was a long time ago."
"If you say so." Lola sighed and leaned back on the couch. 
"Miss E. Isobelle Clarke," The nurse said her name, and invite her to the doctor's room. 

"It shows that you know nothing about women." Sara, Jack's girlfriend leaned back on the chair. They were in a coffee shop and Kit told them what happened earlier. "You react the worst way."
"Why?" Jack frowned. "He was so supportive." he pointed towards Kit. "He wanted her to know, he is next to her. Bro, I have no idea how I would have reacted to this news."
"Glad to know." Sara laughed at him. "He was supportive, but Emilia..." she was talking a bit too loud.
"Shhh." Kit looked around. 
"But E... you have no idea how it feels. I had a pregnancy scare a couple of years ago. You have no idea how it feels when you are not ready for it." Sara leaned forward in the table. "E... just got scared and she only needs time, and you... you to distract her attention from it. Not to... keep mentioning how you support her if she is pregnant. I mean... of course it is good to know, you don't want to run away, but her mind is continuously going around this topic and you just remind her what if it is true." she drank into her cup. "If you love her, then just go back to her flat, take her to dinner, or a romantic walk." 
"Will it work?" Kit raised his brow. "I thought when ... how you've called it pregnancy scare comes you want to know that you don't have to be afraid because we are not going anywhere." he sighed.
"I don't think it was a question for her since you are in love with her... since you knew her." Sara giggled. Kit raised his eyes at Jack but he shook his head. "You don't have to be a scientist to see it." Sara continued. "Don't be that surprised. It was not Jack who told me." 
"She did not even call me after the doctor." Kit checked his phone again. He was mad at himself but he was hurt too. 
"You... Haringtons are so difficult cases." Sara rolled her eyes and smiled. 

Emilia packed her bags, she was ready to leave in the morning. More or less. She was thinking a lot about the things that Lola said to her. She sat to the edge of the bed. She was not pregnant. At least this was good news for now. The doctor made it clear it was just the stress and the irregular meals.... she really should pay more attention to herself. She always does, but the past period was too much it seems. What if Lola was right? What if her real problem is... she is still really afraid of... make commitments? She sent Kit away, many times back then. Deep in her heart she always loved him but she was afraid to be with him. What if it is still... the case? That child... that pregnancy scared her more than she ever thought. She loved children, she was a real mom material, but imagine having her own child. It was different, but that did not mean she doesn't love him. "Fuck" she almost jumped up from the bed and grabbed her coat. She needed to talk with Kit. She can't leave Berlin without making things clear with him. She started to walk towards his flat in the street. They were living just a few blocks away. No... they were living together in the past few months, and she loved it. She loved waking up next to him, she loved going to bed with him. She loved life with him and she did not want to give it up for anything. She sinks in her thoughts, and she was halfway there, when she raised her head, and she spotted him. Walking towards her. She stopped and there was a little smile on her face. Kit noticed her a moment later, and he slowed down his steps too. 

"A little evening walk?" she took a deep breath and asked him when he stepped right in front of her. 
"I could ask the same." he smiled at her.
"Don't you wanna... take this walk together?" Emilia looked into his eyes. 
"Sure." he stepped next to her. "We just... we should decide which direction should we go." 
"Does it matter?" Emilia looked at him. 
"Not until I can be with you," he admitted and they started to walk towards her house. They were in silence for a couple of minutes, but they both knew there is nowhere else where they wanted to be. "Where did you... go? or was it a pointless walk? Without ...?" he asked her.
"I don't want to travel to ... Berlin... without... discuss this with you." she placed her arms around her body. 
"I did not want you to go in that way either." he sighed. 
"You don't even... ask what happened at the doctor?" Em glanced at him.
"No." Kit sighed. "You'll tell me if you want to. I don't want to force you to talk about it if you don't want to." 
"You were right," Emilia answered. "I should pay more attention to my eating habits. That was the first thing that the doctor asked. What kind of diet am I doing lately." she admitted. "Because that must be the main reason, that caused the late in my period." 
"I've told you." Kit smiled at her and they reached the gate of her house. They both stopped and turned to each other. 
"It's getting colder." Emilia sighed and hesitated for some moments "We should... go inside."
"I was afraid you never say this." Kit was staring at her.
"This is your home too. You can come inside whenever you want." Em turned to the gate and opened it, and Kit followed her.