I Can't Let You Go

Torn

"Want more?" Emilia took some more spaghetti for herself and asked Oliver. 
"No. No. That is more than enough." he laughed and leaned back on the chair. Em sat back, but she was not eating at all. Just mole the plate with the fork. "I ... " Oliver leaned forward. "I am sorry. I know it was me who... screwed up your plans, and you stuck here with me..."
"It is not. Don't be silly." she tried to smile. 
"So... Kit, huh?" he raised a brow. "I did not know that... you are still... "
"I'd really appreciate it if you don't tell that to anyone. Not if... that is anything to tell... after today... probably he is madder at me than ever." she sighed. 
"Are you still... together together or..." Oliver tried to get some answers.
"We are still... close to each other. Or were... he... is... he probably hates me right now, and he has every right to be mad at me." she put the fork down and leaned back. "He put a lot of energy to ... escape me from the city. To keep me away from that pandemic thing. He thought... it would be safer in the countryside." she explained. 
"I can call him to explain..." Oliver offered.
"No. No. You don't have to. He just needs time to ... calm down, to talk with me ... " she swallowed. 
"Okay, I get it, but... why are you that worried? Is there anything else?" he was scanning her face.
"I ... don't think it will be good for him. To be there alone... separately. He... is not the type who loves to be alone for too long." she lowered her head. "I feel like... I cheated him." 
"Because of me. And because you are a good friend." Oliver took her hand. "He is going to understand it, I am sure."
"Yeah." she shrugged. "But let just hope he is going to understand without any ... self-destroying move." 
"What do you mean?"

Kit threw all the food that he made into the trash. He did not care about it. He did not care about anything. Yes, he was mad and angry. He felt betrayed... cheated. He ... wanted that time together. He wanted to keep her safe, and at that moment they have torn apart... alone, and he had no idea when he can go back to the city. He managed everything, they agreed on everything, but of course, someone had to destroy their plans. His plan. Maybe Emilia did not even want to leave. She was not sure about that move. It was so clear for him, all time long. She was not sure it is a good idea, to leave the city, leave her mother and family alone. Neither her friends. She always cared about everyone else but not herself. Right at that moment, he felt that she doesn't even care about him, or their relationship. He sat on the couch, which was opposite to the glass cabinet... and inside of it... there were many glasses. Whiskey, wine... best ones. Old ones. That is why Emilia did not force him to throw those out. Because those were expensive bottles, and right at that moment, those bottles were so tempting for him. 

The morning comes so slowly. She did not want to call him back the previous night. It would be a suicide mission for her. She needed to wait, she needed to give him time and space, even if that kills her inside. She was sure he is going to call her, sooner or later. He is just a bit hot-headed but that was all. At least they learned not to hurt each other too much if they have problems. She checked the clock. It was only 7 am, but it was time for Ted to a walk. She sat up on the bed, and she wondered about his whereabouts. She stood up and walked out of her room, but only a message waited for her at the table next to the door. "We are going to a walk, back soon" Oliver left that note for her. She smiled a bit and went to the kitchen to make some coffee for herself. 

She waited. For hours, when her phone finally vibrated. She helped Oliver with his artwork and tried to keep Teddy away from it, but she immediately jumped up when she heard her phone, but it was not Kit. 
"Jamie, hi" she picked it up but she was surprised. Ted ran after her, while she walked out of the room. "No. Is that... is that for sure?" she sounded worried. "Oh my God. But is she... is she alright?" she sat down at the table. "Yeah Jamie, I... " she lowered her head. "I... "

Kit was sitting next to a huge window in front of his laptop, and the cursor was flashed on his monitor screen. He had no idea how long he was sitting there. He decided to sink in his thoughts and write. He needed to distract his attention. He did not want to call her, he did not want to hurt her more. It was not just her fault. He knew that. It was some external effect. That kept them away from each other. His fingers were resting on the keyboard, and he turned to the window. The sun was shining brightly. He should have gone outside, and get some vitamin D from the sunbeams. He knocked the keyboard with his fingers. His phone brought him back from his thoughts. It was Emilia. Her name and her photo were on his phone screen and he hesitated. He smiled a bit, he was happy because that means she was missing him, but he should not tell her any bad things and hurtful things.  The situation was already hard for both of them. 
"Hi, babe. I am sorry I did not call earlier. But I ... did not want to..." Kit started.
"It doesn't matter now. I..." Emilia sighed. "I... Indria got the virus. She is positive, just as one of my other cast members from the play." she blurted. 
"What?" Kit jumped up from the seat. "But... are you... are you okay? Em?" 
"I... just wanted to... warn you... because... there is a chance I..." she hardly could talk. "We were together every day in the past period, and they say the virus has that latent period and..." Emilia swallowed. 
"Em, are you okay?" Kit asked her again.
"I don't know. I mean I feel fine, I am just... scared. But..." she wiped her hair back. "But... can you go to any doctor there or... at least pay more attention to yourself, because if I also caught it... there is a huge chance that you... " she started to cry. He did not have to see her know that. 
"Baby, I am okay, and you'll be okay too. Fuck, why the hell did I leave you behind. We should have come here together." he blamed himself. 

"That would be..." she sniffed " a dumb idea in several ways." she wiped her nose. "Jamie... try to manage to look after the possibilities, and try to get some test or what for me. He is going to call me back soon, and... to be honest, it was .... it is luckier that I stayed home. How the hell we would have explained that what I'm doing in Suffolk. You know." she sniffed again. 
"Who the hell cares?" Kit asked her back immediately and he sounded so edgy. 
"Do not shout with me." Emilia swallowed. 
"I am not... I am not shouting with you." Kit cleared his throat. "I just... the to be here alone." he sighed. "That is all. Especially now. When we... we should be together." 
"You know I want that too:" she answered so quietly and sat down. Wiped her hair back from her face. 
"If you feel any of the symptoms..." Kit started with some hesitation. "Just... ahm..."
"I'll call you I promise." she nodded.
"I go home." Kit was walking up and down in that huge house. 
"You can't" Em smiled because of his words. "I don't think you allowed to leave the countryside. As you said... it is lockdown everywhere." 
"You think some lockdown can stop me?" Kit tried to make her feel better a bit.
"No. I know you can do anything you want. You proved it many times." she took a deep breath.
"That is your effect, Clarke." Kit sat down on the couch. They remained in silence. There were no words that could describe how they were feeling at that moment. They both hated it, and they exactly knew what the other feels, so words only could hurt more. 

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"Hi babe!" she was walking in the streets and picked up her phone. They spoke several times at that period. Weeks passed since she got that horrible news about Indria, but that was a bit of luck she did not get the virus, either Kit or anyone else. At least yet, but things just getting worse, and there were more and more cases around the UK and around the world too. 
"Where the hell are you?" Kit asked her when he heard the street noises. 
"On my way home," she answered. 
"What are you doing in the streets? Em, you shouldn't..."
"Kit relax. I am wearing a mask, I have hand sanitizer, and ..."
"I thought you take it seriously." he sounded so stern.
"You know I do. You really called me to have a debate with me?" she raised a brow. 
"You shouldn't go anywhere. You should stay at home and order food and everything that you need." Kit sighed.
"And I usually do that. I just... needed some air, some... walk. Some eggs." 
"Eggs?" Kit surprised.
"Yeah. I ... I started baking cookies," she admitted. "I ... needed something that can distract me. I am getting better, your gonna love it." she giggled a bit. 
"I am glad you found a ... new hobby." Kit took a deep breath But if that causes you to walk on the streets in the middle of the pandemic...:"
"Kit! Would you please stop?" she sighed, and she reached her home. Started to search for her keys in her bag. She already heard how Ted was barking from inside. "I am already at home, so..." she held the phone with her shoulder. "You should worry less about me." the phone almost fell when she opened the door. "I... I'll call you later, okay?" she tried to end the call meanwhile she was walking towards the kitchen, but at the moment she glanced to the living room she stopped and froze. 

"You have a guest." Oliver laughed when spotted her. "It was good to see you Harington" he patted Kit's shoulder and after Ted did two circles around her mother, he jumped back to Kit's lap. 
"You could take better care of her, and do not let her out." Kit raised his eyes at Oliver. 
"Do you think she cares? You know her. When she wants something... there are no barriers." Oliver laughed. "So we got the eggs?" he turned to Emilia and took the bag from her. "I prepare the ingredients," he added and walked out of the room. She was standing there with mouth open, and speechless. 
"You don't look happy to see me here." Kit sighed meanwhile he was scraping Ted's ears. "Of course it would have been a bigger surprise if you were the one who opened the door for me, but... you needed those eggs. Right?" he continued. 
"How..." Em finally formed a word. 
"I phoned. I ... tried many ways to get home, and finally I succeed. Of course, I should not be here, I should be at my flat. Luck that we are living that close to each other." he smirked and raised up Ted from his lap and put him on the couch. 
"He should not be there alone. He is not allowed to ..." she pointed towards Ted, but before she could finish the sentence Kit was already standing right in front of her. 
"There are two options now. You go and take him off from the couch, or you finally give me a kiss." he smiled at her and leaned closer. 
"We can't." she glanced towards the kitchen. "We are not..."
"I have some suspicion... that he already knew that." he pulled her closer without any more hesitation and their lips finally met, after long weeks without each other.