Release

My first 3

November 22nd, 2021, 9:00 PM

Let's try, and the demons I once yearned for, die.
A tropical storm cutting through my mind, eviscerating, separation, anxiety that holds me back, heart beat, heart attack. I'm trying to breathe, to learn how to breathe, for I don't know if I ever have before. Inhale, inhale, inhale, without an exhale, where did the life go? Where did my life go? Did it seep through the mask I wear. I want love, strange interactions, reactions, all buttons pressed, should I have taken more, to further my test. To be lost forever, in my own maze. A dream, or a nightmare, but never as worse as I had experienced in the past. That boy is dead. Very dead. He's gone, and has been gone for a while now. The orphan Kol, is no longer here. The monster inside me has swallowed him whole. One can only survive on so much oxygen, without breathing again. In a space so dark, and suffocating.

Who am I?

The name Kol, was given to me by my mother, but was I ever my mother's child?
Was I anyone's child?
Was I just a victim?
To others, and to myself.
I remember the dark, the deep darkness that I once lived. I became so fond of it, that I forgot how to flinch. It still covers my eyes, death is with me, always. It's true. I've been here all on my own, maybe since birth, it was meant to be. Perfect in creation, I was born to suffer, to feel intense emptiness and lonesome. To hunger for a home, to hope to be loved, to die for the dream. The dream. What is the dream, but a distant memory now. An empty cup that once held water evaporated by the god in the sky. The bringer of life, where my light never came.
I had to imagine.
I walk through the darkness with a fire in my soul.
A never ending journey through the dark.
It's too late.
But, I like it.
I love the dark.
Darkness.
The darkness of the forest.
To be prey in the deepest dark, of isolated emptiness, to be crushed by the air in infinite space. To be hunted by the beasts that wait for the vulnerable. Here I am. In the darkness, alone. Cold, but with a heart burning hellfire.
Why wasn't I taken by the darkness?
Why didn't the beasts, the monsters, the wicked, the demons, take me away? Why am I destined to live here, breathless, without life? What is it that I am waiting for? Waiting. Waiting.
I'm sure I'd wait forever if I could.
A million years in the dark, to experience the joy and purity of light, even just for a moment, to be truly alive.
Life.
But, again I ask myself, why wasn't I taken away by the darkness?
Why did it welcome me with it's empty embrace?
I feel safe in the darkness.
I could lay anywhere in empty darkness, and feel safe. It's true.
I love the darkness, it took me in.
It kept me safe behind shattering walls.
The darkness hid my eyes from the demons that surrounded me. Tempting me to come closer, but I  never did. I cried in my blanket of darkness. I found my home, anywhere is my home if my eyes can't tell the difference. I feel the same in all darkness. I feel safe. Even if the footsteps of monsters are nearby. I'm covered, by darkness. They can't see me, as their eyes too, are the same as mine. Blinded by darkness. They fear the dark, the unknown, when I feel at peace, at peace with you, empty darkness, filled my eyes with your illusion. Your false sense of safety, was and is all I need. The closest thing to love I've ever felt. I hold your hands, and you hold me entirely. I'm yours. I trust you to take care of me. Darkness, blind my enemies. My true enemies. Not those that are terrifying, not those with sharp claws, or needles for teeth. The ones that present illusion. The liars, the untrustworthy, all of them. For only the furry beasts that also fear the shouting man, the creature of mass destruction. I understand now, why they fear me too. I look like one, I am one, I wear one. I have their hair, their hands of creation and destruction all at will, the mouth that can make minds love, but also make ears bleed. I have everything, that I fear the most. I see it now, the fear in their eyes, they don't trust us. As they shouldn't, and the ones that do fall to trust, usually die shortly after.
DON'T FEED THE ANIMALS.
They say.
Don't feel me your love, to just take it away.
I'll die without it.
The orphan at birth.
Wandering forever in the darkness.
Avoiding the monsters who left me in the dark.
I was left to fight and fend for myself. It's all I know, all I feel.
I was left like an animal,
an animal who became friends with the darkness, as they all do. It's home, it's safety. The monsters cannot find us here. Don't let them in.