Release

Floundering

I think back to that moment,
when I was dissolving in sunshine.
Melting into the Goliath of a stone below me, looking over an ocean's ravine two hundred metres below. The approaching clouds, but a grain of dust in the way of my photosynthesis. A gentle terror that eviscerated my beautiful sunshine by mistake; by fate.

The rain pouring heavily onto my empty vessel, the essence of perception wandered astray, into the abyss of a spiralling infinity.

The layers upon layers of deja vu that I awake from, a hologram flickering back and forth as I scramble back to what once was, but will never be again. To accept one's demise in the pillage of my own doing. The never ending panic that will only drown oneself, to save yourself.
You must surrender.
Always surrender.

The flush of blood that rushes to one's mind from a disturbed slumber, I awake from a dream that I once died in, a long time ago.

~

I was sitting in a classroom,
& one day I had an idea..
I decided to speak publicly in-front of all of my classmates about this idea. I spoke it aloud right after my last moment of peace, as if what was going to happen here today, was inevitable. All moments before me, led to this singularity of breath, where I was suspended in this moment, frozen for what seemed like forever, and only now, time began. After my short statement, all heads turned immediately. In their eyes, there was anger, or hatred, as if I said something so against their entirety, something unheard of. When I spoke, my emotions and bodily feeling warmed genuinely, and truthful. For a moment I felt good, I was proud and relieved awaiting an open armed response. Though, that sought of warmth quickly become a boiling confusion of being, "so absolutely different." In this moment I also felt as if I was holding onto these words since the day I was born. Excited to be accepted and understood, but to be met with the complete opposite. I was holding onto a secret, something that would save the future of humanity from their impending doom. As if I was the very first human to ever say anything out of the expected, and the expected was guided and controlled by our teachers. I felt young, somewhere around fourteen at the time, and with those piercing eyes, all focus was on me, and the reality of my world quickly became the subject of another's torment. Everyone become aggressive toward me, within limits though, and the words that came from everyone's mouths were completely misunderstood, I couldn't understand a single thing that they were saying, with their moving mouths, their empty words, that only expressed a passionate mutiny against my individual sovereignty, a grand betrayal of a once, "safe" environment, but with each word a feeling was prescribed to me. The feeling of pure hatred for my being, there was nothing I could do, nothing that I'd say would convince them otherwise, but in each of their eyes, there was no empathy, but a simple burning fire that blinded them to disregard me as a normal human being. An innocent & helpless animal, an unthreatening monster? They plucked and prodded at my skin to get a rise out of me, where I eventually ran off in a state of panic. I ran down the halls in search of someone I trusted, an "authority" someone to look up to; but even as I spoke to her/him an even more obscure look on their face appeared, though, they expected this moment to happen. They were waiting for my moment of release, to slam their disappointment upon me. Now, with my most trusted teacher, suddenly turned against me as well, all in search of me now, as word has gotten out, just as fast as I could run, the entire world knew of my awakening. The broken human that spoke the most shattering truthful that seemed like the greatest lie of all time to everyone else. With myself trying to reason with authority, but a response that reflected an even more convincing hate or disregard for what I said. I was to be outright banned/expelled from the facility, from the world I once knew. I planned to run to an even higher ranked superior in hopes that they would understand, but before I was able to reach them, I hesitated and decided to hop into a familiar vehicle, it wasn't mine, but the familiarity of its pale blue damaged appearance was enough to draw me in, I closed the door at my side, slumped over for a moment to hide and pondered where a multitude of thoughts occurred to me, "Nothing will ever be the same again.", "Everything I once believed in, was a lie." I began to drive off as fast as I possibly could. Either the tank of fuel was nearly depleted, or the fuel gage was broken running on empty. This didn't help my morale as I came to the sudden realization; I am being hunted.

I was to disappear,
they always disappear...