Release

Four - Always Living in The Past

June 21st, 2019 - 7:29 PM

I recently just watched all of my GoPro footage, from my adventures in Thailand, and with Gill as well. I watched them all. Half way of watching the recordings, I told myself that I should probably stop, and that it's going to hurt. I kept going if course. We have such beautiful memories. I'm still puzzled as to why she threw them all away. We rocked together, or at least I thought we did. All because I called her an idiot, and that she could have asked me for help when she over turned the shower's handle. I then went ahead and told her, "I'll have to tell my grandmother." Assuming that I wouldn't be able to fix it. What a fucking cunt I was to say such a thing. I was a fucking idiot. I fixed the problem in like 30 seconds, or less. I'm sure. Why the fuck did I react that way? I was still a coward. After all the pain, adventuring, self searching, in that moment I acted incredibly cowardly. In fear of my grandmother. Why do I fear her? I could fucking obliterate her, if I wanted to, and I have wanted to countless times. To just be the cause of her breath to stop. For he unbearable weight to be lifted from my back. Her fucking hate that has moved over to me. Is it wrong for me to blame her? What I did to Gill was my fault. It's the only bad incident that Gill and I had. Of course it broke it off entirely. I made her scared. I feel so shameful that this is how I made her feel. I remember trying to hold her afterwards, trying to mend the emotional wounds that I caused, but I fucked up. I was a coward. I should never be a coward. Controlled by these demons, these fears, this one fear. It still lingers in me. I don't know why. It's probably just because she's alive. Still. I always try to do the right thing, but it's never right. Ever. The infinite and unknown pressure is fucking killing me, still. I want a family. Families talk, they share, she never listens to me. I try to share something, but she doesn't listen. She may acknowledge it, but she doesn't hear me. What I'm truly saying. She doesn't understand what I'm trying to say either. I want someone I can talk to. I want love. Why do these have to be a problem for me. It hurts so much. I'm 22 years old. What the fuck am I afraid of? Maybe I'm still afraid of everything. The uncertainty of it all? Am I not even real? Am I just numb? Have I numbed myself entirely? Where I can say, "Oh, I'm not really afraid of anything." Aside from being alone, is what I would say. Maybe it's her existence that makes me feel alone. Maybe it's her constant lies. Her constant hate. Her constant aggression. She's a fucking terrible person, who thinks she's the best thing that lives on this earth. Where everything she does is the right way. Where what she thinks is the correct way of thinking. She has so many alibis. She goes to church, and helps out with the elderly. It's the most fucking bull shit alibi to have, going to church. People will instantly think that you're a better person if you do. Where it's completely not true. Most people that go to church don't even understand what God's message is. I doubt it. They have an idea, but to really understand. Nah, the world would be different if this was true. No one fucking listens to what they already think they know. When most of us are wrong, I'm sure, about many things. What's the right way to live? Is there a right way to live? I find that there's a trending excuse these days, for people live, in what I think is a shitty way. This is what it is, "Don't tell me how to live my life." This is paraphrasing, but you'll see a variety of these kinds of examples relating to this statement. It's true, of course. Why should anyone be told how to live, but just seeing people, that I think are just wrong. They aren't doing it right, in my opinion. Which means what? I struggle more, socially. I suppose. An outcast. I also pushed so many good people away. Just one example, Bethany White, we talked during High School, and recently too. I never made the move, I could have. We were close, emotionally. I had the opportunity so many damn times. But, I never made the fucking move. She's now probably one of the most, if not the most amazing people I know. Her life did a full 180°, she's healthy, and so beautiful, like wow. Is this more evidence of being cowardly? I don't think so. I think this is just me being numb, not giving a fuck about me. I find it so hard to care about myself. There are many times where I just don't eat. I don't move. I just think. That's all I do. Analyzing everything. Everything that's happened in my past, and thinking about the future. Where I'm more than often so hopeful for the future, but when I don't do anything in the present, what am I doing? What is this illusion that I've created for myself? What is wrong with me? I'm so emotional. Again, those recordings of Gill and I, mostly during our road trip. I kept watching. I kept falling deeper into memories, where I become those memories. Where my emotions are so fixed on those memories, that I'm there again. Reliving those memories like they are happening in this exact moment. Feeling happiness. I find that when I'm most happy, I act so ridiculous. It's actually so funny. It's like I become a comedian, but also slightly mentally handicap. No desensitization to people with those actual issues, but that's legit how I'd act. Feeling euphoric. It's a weird thing for me. It's like my body doesn't know what to do when it's happy, where most of the time it's rejected, but when I'm truly living through life where I'm happy, I turn into someone, maybe better? Maybe I become weak? Maybe when I'm happy, I have a higher tendency to let these demons control me. Where if I'm in misery, where I am most of the time, I'm incredibly strong. I'm in thought. My thoughts are so strong. I think they are righteous. But, I'm happiness, maybe my guard comes down. Not just physically, but also my emotional guard comes down, where my demons can just crawl through the cracks. I have to fix this. This can't happen again. Don't let it happen again. We cannot be a coward. We have to stop being numb. I'm so numb. I can't fee anything for myself. Most of the time. I feel the past like it's present, and my present self feels almost nothing. I live in thought. Just this past year, I've been teaching myself about love. Not physically, but emotional love. Like, really appreciating someone. I'm trying to teach myself this. I wish it would come naturally. Over the years, I've tested myself with other people. Trying different things, different ideas, how to act, how to be. I don't just want to love one person. It doesn't feel fair, but it's what everyone wants. It's what I want, I want one person to love me entirely and devote their entire life to me. But, for me to give all of my love to that significant other. I think that would be difficult for me. I just see so many people that need to be appreciated. They need love. They need to be seen. I would love everyone if I could. That seems wrong. People desire intimacy. I know I do. I love the idea and the interaction of being intimate with someone. It's all I've really cared about. One on one conversations, talk to me, tell me everything. I want that from people. I want to help people. I want people to trust me, and to feel special. How can I do that? Where I'd be making many people feel special. That's not very special at all. I want to help people. I really do. Why do I think that I could help anyone though? Giving my condition. I can hardly help myself. I take my advice all of the time. I'm the only person I listen to. Truly. I'll consider others words, and learn from them of course. But, I never let anyone tell me how to live, even if it could benefit me. For example. Lisa, my cousin's wife. She told me that I should go to College/University, and afterward I'd have the opportunity to work for my cousin. Who is becoming exponentially successful every single year, it seems. On top of his wonderful home on one of the most expensive streets in the most famous city in all of Canada, Toronto, being a CEO of a huge global investment/pension company, he just bought a wonderful home in Florida, and he's planning to buy a McLaren for fuck sakes. That's insane. Imagine being connected to that. What I could become. Money. That's all it is. Why have I turned myself against money? Money is opportunity. It gives you the possibility to do absolutely anything you could ever want to do. Sure, it doesn't buy happiness. But, it could buy everything else, and who knows, maybe you'd be happier. I could take this path, so easily. It would just take time, and then boom! I'm there. I could have money. I appreciated her words, of course, because that's what the world tells everyone. Go to school. Go to school. Go to school. I'm so fixed on finding my own way. Just so I can say, "Suck it!" to everyone who told me how to live, or what I need to be successful. My odds are that I'll fail, trying to do this. I'll fail, and continue to be a failure until I die. That could be my story. Very easily. Maybe I'd like to tell the story. Maybe that's my reason of doing anything. Always to tell a story. I've already done some very incredible things for my age, that many people would never see themselves doing. That's cool to me, but I'm not satisfied. I need more. I want more. So much more. I will either die a failure, or find my way and be successful. Whatever my version of success may be.