Release

Don't Read This

PS, this might be the saddest, darkest, and most hopeless thing I've ever written. It's very real, but read it expecting your mind and soul to hurt afterwards.

Do bear with the first sentence, as that's not truly what this writing piece is about..

Is this a simulation?
This is a seed that a friend/coworker of mine planted in my mind. This is a question I've heard, time and time again. We'd never know if we were, the perfect simulation. But, to imagine if 100 years in Earth time, was the smallest fraction of a second, but how the simulation is programmed we perceive it in, "real time".

I broke time. I broke this consciousness. I received a hug from someone at work yesterday, due to all the death I've been facing, and she read my past piece of writing. At work I've lately been the one to find dead animals, all unfortunate deaths as they leave you wondering, "Why?" These animals were soon to be released. They were ready to go, but death was faster than their release. I need to do these animals justice, as I really did learn to love them, and I learned so much from them as they are fantastic teachers. Swans, quite daunting creatures, though very misunderstood. Maybe that's why they are so very daunting. They are large, and often hissing any anything that gets close to them. They are intelligent creatures though, as they have strong emotions, and simple but fascinating way of communicating. They communicate through hissing, honking, and body language. They are curious creatures, and when giving the opportunity, they will try to read you. As they tilt their heads and attempt to stare into your soul. A potential friend to be made, or simply not a foe. One of the jobs I have, is to refill their outdoor pool, and replenish their food. This is the beginning of my understanding of swans. I'm not really afraid of them at this point, as there are far more dangerous creatures than swans in the indoor enclosure. Also, I am well aware that they are all scared of us at first glance. So, generally all actions received from these animals, will be defensive. Giving that I'm not on the offence, hopefully one would realize that they don't need to be on the defence. Which, this one swan did. I formed a rather quick relationship with this swan. I've heard that they are intimate creatures, and strongly dedicated towards their instincts, so I wasn't so worried about habituating this swan. A small exchange of sentience. I would speak calmly, to set the tone of me not being a predator, so he doesn't become stressed or hurt himself further, as many animals will if induced with high amounts of stress. They could die, or flail themselves to their own deadly injury. Swans aren't known to be too stress oriented, but I'd rather not cause a panic. This swan loves his pool. He swims in it, he drinks from it always, and is quite content having a nap in his pool as he tucks his head under his wing fold. I emptied his pool with a pump, as he sat on a mound of snow a few metres away from me. Not too pleased, of course. However, as I cleaned it, and began to bring buckets back full of water, that were then dumped into his pool, his aura began to change. I receive honks of joy, and head bobs, as even before I had hardly begun, he dives into his pool, happily standing in his one inch deep puddle. I returned the favour, and bowed my head just the same. I went away, and returned with more buckets of water, one in each hand. Receiving a head bob upon my return. Filling up his pool, letting the wake of the water push against his body. I swatted for a moment, admiring this creature. Wondering, "Am I truly communicating with this swan?" I returned indoors, went onto my phone, and googled on what it means when a swan bobs it's head, and/or honks. To find that he truly is communicating with me, and nods of the head are a sign of gratitude, and a way of saying hello. Now, you can imagine my excitement. I return with more water, bowing and bobbing my own head like a maniac, excited to be communicating with a swan. This carried on in the future, as this swan never associated me with the other workers. I didn't handle him before this in any way. Even at one point, he trusted me enough, for what I believed, was him expressing his desire to escape. He walked to a wall, and as I knelt there after some previous head bobs, he began to honk and rub his beak on the wall, even flying upwards to one of the cracks on the wall. Now, I questioned if he was trying to escape from this mad human, or was he truly realizing that he was communicating with me, and he trusted that I'd understand his desire to escape, or to be released. The following days, our communication continued. For around 2 weeks, him and I had our chats, as I refilled his pool with fresh new water. He trusted me to set him free, but I never did, and soon I'd become the same as all the other monsters that I worked with. I had to capture him and bring him inside, I had to hold him down a few times, as I had my hand around his skull straitening his neck so he could be tube fed, as eventually he got a housemate, and this housemate was a total dick who always pooped in his pool, my swan's sacred place and sanctuary, was ruined. Soon this swan became ill. I'm hoping he does recover, but ever since I handled him, and used restricting force to have him tube fed, there have been no head bobs, or happiness from him. He just stares at me, he trust me enough to not stress, but he knows I'm one of those monsters, one of those humans. I do my best to give him the best care, and exactly what I'd think he'd like, that others don't seem to know. It frustrates me seeing his now indoor enclosure, as he isn't outside in his big pool anymore. He's a very big boy, and sometimes his enclosures inside aren't fit for his mass. I gave him a huge water bowl, so he can drink just as he did in his own pool, as that smaller one that someone left before did his previous joys no justice. I replaced a tiny comforter that he was to sit on, that was about a quarter of his bottom mass, which also angered me as he was resting his aching body on the solid ground. I replace this bed with a larger one, and he gladly sat on it as it was fit for a king. He's really beautiful, and I learned to love him just as he trusted me without hesitation as he could sleep in his pool as I gathered the ice that was bumping into his body. He trusted me, like a friend, and now he trusts me like you would another monster. Now, this isn't the swan I found dead, thank goodness. Though apparently he might have gotten some virus from another swan, which is why his health quickly diminished. He was doing really well, and in fact, he might have gotten this sickness from the swan that I found dead. They were two sibling swans, both young, most likely young teenagers with grey still in their feathers. I also found myself caring for these two, with the occasional head bob. One of the swans, very calm and lacklustre, and another very defensive, but far more scared than the calm swan. The illusion that this swan was actually angry and defensive, where in reality he was the scared individual out of the two. With his other sibling, totally vibing. Soft honking, as his other scared shitless sibling hissing would back up into the calm one's defence and comfort. After a short time of getting to know these two, one morning for their morning's replenishment I found the calm sibling dead in a corner. With blood spatters everywhere, and with his scared sibling stepping a frozen pool of blood, still backing up into his sibling's cold defence. The trauma, the sadness, of this terrified swan's hero, dead. I burst into tears, at the unimaginable sight, my sentient friends that I've come to love and understand. My following work day, I found an old raccoon's frozen body, that has been waiting to be released for over a month. It was just too cold for him to be released, but there he was. Frozen dead. It was presumed that the people who were on check the two days that I don't work, didn't actually check to see if he was okay or not, as his body was very solid. I found both of these, with less tears to give with the more death that I found. A significant human death as well occurred during this week, in addition with my own near demise weeks before. This is probably the worst month of my life, but knowledge all the same. One coworker gave me a hug of pity, and care. I'm just thankful she will listen to me, and read my content. Our conversations are mutual and curious. I'm often having these slightly out of body experiences, I don't actually know what to call it, where I feel this dark void, the terror that's all around me. The reality of death and how terrifying it is. To lose one's mind, to have no control over one's self. I pity these wild animals that I work with. Where the humans I work with, that directly work with these animals, that kill them out of good faith if they are nonfunctional, or the animals that die in this facility, simply because they are in this facility. To imagine if I was one of these animals, I would feel just as I felt during my overdose. Now of course I was experiencing a heavy load of psychosis, however, the lack of control is all the same. To be stuck in a nearly inescapable cage, unless a human makes an error, but most that escape, are inevitably caught. The darkness of working at a wildlife rehab centre. All they post on social media, is propaganda, is manipulation for more donations. They give the illusion of this place being a happy place for the animals, which some it can be, as the squirrels are fed pompous meals, and the opossums too. Many are even raised in this facility, raised in hell, one wouldn't know the difference, and giving their mental aptitude, many don't realize that they are in hell. They just feel fear, and aren't able to understand why. Maybe that is the fear, to never have a why, or a reason. To never understand. As they don't understand how close to death they are. These animals, are living half of the nightmare that I experienced. Lack of control, and trapped. Trapped potentially until their death, where there could be days that over ten animals get admitted to the facility, and ten animals get euthanized. What an awful unnatural way to die. They don't understand, but we've convinced ourselves that this is better for them. Sure, many animals do get released, and many of these injuries are from man's influence on the world, but to be desensitized, and to be okay with what goes on in this animal rehab centre, is rather disgusting and terrifying. To normalize death, when it comes for us all.